Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Lol, I wonder if she ever got a discount.
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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Lol, I wonder if she ever got a discount.
Golden_Silence
We moon when its sunny
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- Jun 20, 2006
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The art of negotiating
The beautiful Mexican maid asks for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decides to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
......
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban deed."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No, the gardener deed"
(Long pause ...)
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
The beautiful Mexican maid asks for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decides to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
......
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban deed."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No, the gardener deed"
(Long pause ...)
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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mulehead61
Ever the mulette's mule..
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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
mulehead61
Ever the mulette's mule..
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3 men walk into a bar.
After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.
The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.
The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.
Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.
The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".
As they're walking away the first guy says to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."
After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.
The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.
The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.
Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.
The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".
As they're walking away the first guy says to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."
settledseas
Literotica Guru
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Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
settledseas
Literotica Guru
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tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, got off his bike and said, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she said.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
____________________________________________________________
The leader, a big burly man, got off his bike and said, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she said.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
____________________________________________________________
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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jeff_is_smiling
Mentally Controlling
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WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY :
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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- Oct 18, 2009
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AbsintheFather
Passing some time
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- Dec 10, 2009
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How many drugs do you suppose Charlie Sheen has used????
I'd say enough to kill 2 & a half men,,,,
I'd say enough to kill 2 & a half men,,,,
AbsintheFather
Passing some time
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- Dec 10, 2009
- Posts
- 42,571
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little PO'd, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his
mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any
milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna
tell him or should I?
asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little PO'd, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his
mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any
milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna
tell him or should I?
AbsintheFather
Passing some time
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2009
- Posts
- 42,571
A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, “Uh, yes, Officer”?
The trooper asks: ‘What are you doing’?
The young man says: ‘Well, Sir, I’m reading a magazine’.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: ‘And her in the back, what is she doing’?
The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails’.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover’s lane … and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: ‘What’s your age, young man’?
The young man says: ‘I’m 22, sir’. The trooper asks: ‘And her … what’s her age’?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: ‘She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes…
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, “Uh, yes, Officer”?
The trooper asks: ‘What are you doing’?
The young man says: ‘Well, Sir, I’m reading a magazine’.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: ‘And her in the back, what is she doing’?
The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails’.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover’s lane … and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: ‘What’s your age, young man’?
The young man says: ‘I’m 22, sir’. The trooper asks: ‘And her … what’s her age’?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: ‘She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes…
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
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- 135,693
No Fear
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
settledseas
Literotica Guru
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- Aug 9, 2008
- Posts
- 58,931
Having Boys
HAVING BOYS
NOTE: Do not attempt No.8 indoors!
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies .
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Parents will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
HAVING BOYS
NOTE: Do not attempt No.8 indoors!
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies .
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Parents will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2009
- Posts
- 24,514
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk, "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk, "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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SweetMystery
Always his...
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- Aug 10, 2009
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Why the bedroom door needs a lock...
- Status
