Laughter is Contagious

[AbsintheFather]

A barber I knew used to sweep up all the hair clippings and burn them out back of his shop.

Two blondes were power walking down the street as some of the smoke blew across their path.

"Smell that?" asked one, "Smells like burning hair."

"Yes," said the other, "I think we'd better slow down."

 

[AbsintheFather]

Three old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge, and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat, and exposes himself to the three old ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak, couldn't reach that far.

 

[AbsintheFather]

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Oh God," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window." The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then stopped. "Are you crazy," he said, "we're on the 13th floor." "Shit," cried the young lady in exasperation, "do you think that this is the right fucking time to be superstitious?"

 

[AbsintheFather]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. "Blimey," the bus driver said, "that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathised and said, "He's a public servant! He shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

 

[AbsintheFather]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

[AbsintheFather]

Man goes to the doctor because he is very concerned his penis is turning orange. The doctor gives the man a thorough examination and finds nothing wrong. He starts asking the man questions " What do you do for a living? " " I'm unemployed " " Well what do you do all day? " " I mostly sit around reading Literotica and eating Cheetos."

 

[AbsintheFather]

http://1.media.tumblr.com/fzo2tSa5hojmqwbm9scG4DaBo1_400.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

Hooked on Phonics!

We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny!

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher:

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...

"African Elephant"

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.

 

[ga400us]

Good morning {{{{ga}}}} ~ I'm not sure. Hope you find one. And thank you for rooting for my team.

C'mon Packers!

I hope I find one too, and soon! LOL {{{{{kayte}}}}}

 

[ga400us]

Man goes to the doctor because he is very concerned his penis is turning orange. The doctor gives the man a thorough examination and finds nothing wrong. He starts asking the man questions " What do you do for a living? " " I'm unemployed " " Well what do you do all day? " " I mostly sit around reading Literotica and eating Cheetos."

That's why I no longer eat Cheetos!

Thanks for the laughs AbsintheFather!!

 

[ga400us]

In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated
four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit
cheats lived on the first floor...
all six tragically perished in the fire.


A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country,
lived on the second floor...
they too all perished.


Six Albanian gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and
living off the state occupied the 3rd floor...
they too died.


But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor
miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights
activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council
were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.


Why was just the British white couple saved?
It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still
existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the
House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within
hours it was national and indeed international news.


Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it
would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire
Service had completed their report.
He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be
available within the next 36 hours -
so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and
report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way
as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out
of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!


A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together
with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting
with the local chief fire officer.
They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been
briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of
journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.


On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black
Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple
lived.

One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ......





"Because they were both at work."

 

[kayte]

A barber I knew used to sweep up all the hair clippings and burn them out back of his shop.

Two blondes were power walking down the street as some of the smoke blew across their path.

"Smell that?" asked one, "Smells like burning hair."

"Yes," said the other, "I think we'd better slow down."

Three old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge, and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat, and exposes himself to the three old ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak, couldn't reach that far.

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Oh God," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window." The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then stopped. "Are you crazy," he said, "we're on the 13th floor." "Shit," cried the young lady in exasperation, "do you think that this is the right fucking time to be superstitious?"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. "Blimey," the bus driver said, "that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathised and said, "He's a public servant! He shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Man goes to the doctor because he is very concerned his penis is turning orange. The doctor gives the man a thorough examination and finds nothing wrong. He starts asking the man questions " What do you do for a living? " " I'm unemployed " " Well what do you do all day? " " I mostly sit around reading Literotica and eating Cheetos."

http://1.media.tumblr.com/fzo2tSa5hojmqwbm9scG4DaBo1_400.jpg

These are great! Thank you so much {{{{Abs}}}} Hope you are having a Super weekend.

 

[kayte]

Hooked on Phonics!

We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny!

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher:

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...

"African Elephant"

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.

Hi {{{{{{DGO}}}}}}

Now that is hysterical! Have a mavelous Sunday. I do have to pass that one on.

 

[kayte]

C'mon Packers!

I hope I find one too, and soon! LOL {{{{{kayte}}}}}

In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated
four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit
cheats lived on the first floor...
all six tragically perished in the fire.


A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country,
lived on the second floor...
they too all perished.


Six Albanian gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and
living off the state occupied the 3rd floor...
they too died.


But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor
miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights
activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council
were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.


Why was just the British white couple saved?
It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still
existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the
House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within
hours it was national and indeed international news.


Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it
would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire
Service had completed their report.
He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be
available within the next 36 hours -
so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and
report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way
as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out
of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!


A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together
with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting
with the local chief fire officer.
They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been
briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of
journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.


On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black
Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple
lived.

One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ......





"Because they were both at work."

Good morning {{{{ga}}}}} Yes! Go Packers!

I think your "funny" says it all. Have a Super Sunday!

 

[kayte]

The Sisters of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway one night when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, 10 Miles". He thinks it is a figment of his imagination and continues driving.

Soon, he sees another sign, which reads: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, 5 Miles". He begins to think that the signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign, reading: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, Next Right". His curiosity gets the best of him so he takes the next right and ends up in the parking lot of a stone building. A sign next to the door reads: "Sisters of St. Francis."

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long, black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business," he says.

"Very well, my son," the nun replies. "Please follow me." She leads him through many winding passages and he is soon a bit disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does and another nun, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun quietly instructs him: "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wood door at the end of this hallway," gesturing to her left.

He puts $100 in the cup then, beginning to get exicited with anticipation, trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As he hears the door lock, he looks around and finds he is back in the parking lot, facing another small sign, that reads: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of St. Francis. Serves you right, you sinner!"

 

[PolyLvr]

The Sisters of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway one night when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, 10 Miles". He thinks it is a figment of his imagination and continues driving.

Soon, he sees another sign, which reads: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, 5 Miles". He begins to think that the signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign, reading: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, Next Right". His curiosity gets the best of him so he takes the next right and ends up in the parking lot of a stone building. A sign next to the door reads: "Sisters of St. Francis."

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long, black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business," he says.

"Very well, my son," the nun replies. "Please follow me." She leads him through many winding passages and he is soon a bit disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does and another nun, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun quietly instructs him: "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wood door at the end of this hallway," gesturing to her left.

He puts $100 in the cup then, beginning to get exicited with anticipation, trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As he hears the door lock, he looks around and finds he is back in the parking lot, facing another small sign, that reads: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of St. Francis. Serves you right, you sinner!"

LOL. Good one.

 

[kayte]

LOL. Good one.

Glad you like it PL ~ Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

 

[PolyLvr]

Glad you like it PL ~ Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

Pretty good, although I'm sick with a cold, still.
It's -3 here. We had close to 50 cm of snow in the last 4 days. And I'm BBQing chicken and sausage for supper.

I hope your weekend was well.

 

[settledseas]

This is alarming...

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

 

[Kitkat103]

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfuo4rfKEu1qa1saxo1_400.png

 

[Kitkat103]

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lg53ky6x1M1qaevvdo1_500.png

 

[Kitkat103]

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfumjyQHLV1qa1saxo1_400.jpg

 

[Kitkat103]

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfg8quw5oa1qa1saxo1_400.jpg

 

[Kitkat103]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lf68clxw431qevqdzo1_500.jpg

 

[Kitkat103]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfbm0heTzy1qajvego1_500.png