Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there wasnothing that they could do. Like it or not he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus never made any friends.

One day a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window bearing in it's mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when he woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off.

 

[kayte]

Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there wasnothing that they could do. Like it or not he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus never made any friends.

One day a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window bearing in it's mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when he woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off.

Good evening {{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}} Thank you! That is hysterical!

 

[Highsided]

Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there wasnothing that they could do. Like it or not he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus never made any friends.

One day a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window bearing in it's mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when he woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off.

LMAO, you did it again DGO

 

[techsan]

Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly
...
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off.

LMAO ... well, most of us could do with less butt ... but think of the constipation!

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

He said .... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said .... You wear pants don't you?
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe01.gif

He said .... .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the
sofa.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe02.gif

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe03.gif

On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it ... " I do not!"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe04.gif

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe10.gif

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe05.gif

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ... (cont'd)


Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe06.gif

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe07.gif

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know, It has never happened.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe08.gif

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A.. A widow.


Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe09.gif

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe11.gif

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeShe12.gif

 

[techsan]

Why most men are Republican ...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Republican.jpg

Any questions ... ???

 

[techsan]

This is kinda cute and worth a couple of minutes. Be sure to listen to the sound too.

sweettaters

 

[done_got_old]

Why most men are Republican ...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Republican.jpg

Any questions ... ???

ROFLMAO

 

[done_got_old]

This is kinda cute and worth a couple of minutes. Be sure to listen to the sound too.


http://www3.telus.net/public/a7a55952/sweettaters.htm

The link didn't work, but I'm sure it's the one I had posted in my classroom the past few years............the kids loved the dick taters.

 

[techsan]

The link didn't work, but I'm sure it's the one I had posted in my classroom the past few years............the kids loved the dick taters.

I think it works now, DGO...it sounds like the same one

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/Images/3rules330.gif

 

[Highsided]

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/Images/3rules330.gif

LMAO, where do you get these from, they are fantastic

 

[done_got_old]

LMAO, where do you get these from, they are fantastic

I'm a surf junkie. One day I'll look for the ones I've been saving for the past ten years.

 

[Highsided]

I'm a surf junkie. One day I'll look for the ones I've been saving for the past ten years.

all I ask is you keep doing it, you bring laughter to so many of us, thankyou

 

[wally2450]

Flat tire

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his
parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got
a flat tire. Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got
out, and assessed the damage. Luckily a four-wheel-
drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind
the crippled vehicle.
The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful
hunk of a man. "Good afternoon, Father," greeted the
stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I
have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."
"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it." And without
skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one
hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the
other. "Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"
"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father
Harris. The priest rolled the spare around to the strong- man who
casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and
proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.
"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a
nun's snatch."
"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."

 

[techsan]

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/Images/3rules330.gif

LMFAO LMFAO
LMFAO LMFAO

 

[techsan]

Sam

Sam returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Sam asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Sam, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Sam, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."

 

[techsan]

Confession # 1

A religious young woman went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seventimes."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and T hen drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will that cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face!"



CONFESSION #2

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"



Brothel trip:

An elderly man walked into a brothel and asked the madam for a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm
90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "How much do I owe you?"



Caller question:

A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking question when a caller asked,
"Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."



BEAUTIFUL

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his bed. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."

Then fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?

The man replied, "the drugs are wearing off."

 

[techsan]

Spelling to get into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

 

[done_got_old]

Poor Burglar

"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs."

One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???"

The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was *me* coming home drunk!!"

 

[techsan]

Poor Burglar

"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs."

One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???"

The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was *me* coming home drunk!!"

LMFAO!!! Now what would he have gotten if she had really known what he was doing there?

 

[techsan]

Comments made in the year 1955:


"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unfortunately I can still remember those days...?!?

 

[done_got_old]

Do you remember when mail came twice a day during the week but only once on Saturday?

 

[techsan]

Do you remember when mail came twice a day during the week but only once on Saturday?

To the best of my knowledge, we never had twice a day deliver in Texas (where I was born and raised). If we did, it escapes me.

I remember 19 cent gasoline, $1500 new Chevies, 10 cent hamburgers (and even nickle hamburgers when they had a special), 2 cent first class stamps. I remember Grandpa buying ice in 50 pound blocks delivered every other day (when a refrigerator really was an "ice box"). I remember nickle Cokes in 6 ounce bottles and you had to pull them out of the ice water with your hand - oh, that was cold! I remember milk and other dairy products being delivered right to your door. I remember when anybody would bend over to pick up a penny instead of just kicking it away like now.