Laughter is Contagious

[rozezwild]

From dee957 ...

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/koala01.jpg

when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/koala02.jpg

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/koala03.jpg

So the koala looks down at him and says:

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/koala04.jpg

"Damn..... dude ... how much water did you drink?!!" ​

OH FUCKING HELL tears eyes weeping outta

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008

Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have ! the best solution: It is probably time we h ave a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.

PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment ...


MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Maxine17.jpg

Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I
recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in
the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Maxine18.jpg

~~~~~
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.


If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.


The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Maxine19.jpg

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.


To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.


Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?


Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.


Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.


After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Maxine20.jpg

 

[copperbutterfly]

Ohhhh can't see.....tears....and my tummy hurts....

Now it's my turn to share!



Dark in here...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy an the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now".

 

[rozezwild]

Ohhhh can't see.....tears....and my tummy hurts....

Now it's my turn to share!



Dark in here...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy an the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now".

Our Father who art in heaven -- hallowed be thy name --thy kingdom come -- thy will be done -- on earth as it is in heaven--







OH screw it i cant stop laughing -- that one is tooo fucking good -- i am sending it to a buncha people

 

[done_got_old]

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork,
pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"

 

[techsan]

When ...
pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"

LMFAO! Been there, done that!

DGO, as for you being part of the Crew of the Booty Hunter ... I suspect you just might be the Booty Hunted...!!!

 

[done_got_old]

LMFAO! Been there, done that!

DGO, as for you being part of the Crew of the Booty Hunter ... I suspect you just might be the Booty Hunted...!!!

ya think?


One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher."

 

[wally2450]

Garden spiders

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled
as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears
formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.


"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied

"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

 

[techsan]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled
...

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

LMAO!

 

[wally2450]

I'm surrounded

 

[copperbutterfly]

LMAO!

Every time I come here I hurt myself! ...This is the best thread Techsan!!!

Here's a little something from me!




Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,

"Mary, Mary"

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

 

[copperbutterfly]

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

ROFLMAO

 

[techsan]

Every time I come here I hurt myself! ...This is the best thread Techsan!!!

Here's a little something from me!
...
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO

 

[done_got_old]

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

 

[pleaz_me]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh shit! Catching up on this thread....... my sides are killing me!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[truecelt2]

Gynecologist...

Attractive 40 year old blonde is at her gynecologist's. During her exam, a sensitive issue came up so he attempts to explain involuntary muscle contractions to her.

She's not getting it, and she IS rather attractive, so he tries a more colorful explanation.

"Not to be crude but what do you think your asshole is doing while you climax?"

"Playing golf."

 

[pleaz_me]

Attractive 40 year old blonde is at her gynecologist's. During her exam, a sensitive issue came up so he attempts to explain involuntary muscle contractions to her.

She's not getting it, and she IS rather attractive, so he tries a more colorful explanation.

"Not to be crude but what do you think your asshole is doing while you climax?"

"Playing golf."

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back (((((Truecelt))))

 

[kayte]

This thread is so funny!


Thank you so much for starting it {{{{{{{techsan}}}}}

 

[wally2450]

Gold digger

 

[techsan]

Husband : Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

 

[limiwa]

I don't say it enough! Thank you all for making me laugh.

 

[pleaz_me]

Husband : Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Spew!!!!!!!!
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not what I was thinking!!!!!!!!!

 

[wally2450]

True story?

This is supposedly a true story, told to me by a second source.

An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting,

"How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?" to which he replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?" to which she replied,

"That's what happens when you're old and rich!"

 

[wally2450]

Stewardess

"My professional and my personal lives have become way
too intertwined." the stewardess told her fellow stew.

"Last night my husband nudged me awake, and began to
make love. Without giving it a thought, I said,
'Welcome Aboard'."

 

[techsan]

This is supposedly a true story, told to me by a second source.

An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting,

"How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?" to which he replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?" to which she replied,

"That's what happens when you're old and rich!"

ROTL ... I love it...!!!