Laughter is Contagious

[pleaz_me]

This is supposedly a true story, told to me by a second source.

An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting,

"How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?" to which he replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?" to which she replied,

"That's what happens when you're old and rich!"

 

[pleaz_me]

"My professional and my personal lives have become way
too intertwined." the stewardess told her fellow stew.

"Last night my husband nudged me awake, and began to
make love. Without giving it a thought, I said,
'Welcome Aboard'."

 

[done_got_old]

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.

After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

 

[pleaz_me]

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.

After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[rozezwild]

A college class was told to write a short story in as few words as possible. The story had to contain the following three things:

1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:
........................





"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."



( wonder if we coould get away with that now adays??)

 

[techsan]

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.

After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

LMAO!!! Yeppers, that'd do it!

 

[techsan]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

 

[techsan]

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

 

[techsan]

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbour's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and enquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

 

[techsan]

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged old man were sitting.

The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips.

So the boyfriend kisses her lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck.

So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"

 

[techsan]

Two men were driving through Georgia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Georgia, son," the trooper answered.

"When we pull you over in Georgia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What"d you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the Trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

 

[limiwa]

Two men were driving through Georgia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.


"Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

Ha Ha, very close to home in my heart. You are just full of the funny!

 

[techsan]

From rozezwild ...

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....





But .... Wait a minute....



http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/Wifes_Night_Out.jpg

 

[techsan]

Rose

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose.

I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate
milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet.

I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose."

She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give.

 

[microbiology311]

This has to be one of the funniest and most god awful scenarios I have ever
heard of...bless this woman.
-------------------------------------------------------
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner,
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the
medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those
cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press
it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am
mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase
haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight
and pull.

OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body
hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak
back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line,
covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my
butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.

RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the
strip.

SHIT!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP.

Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to
normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt,
that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot
still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on
the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. SHIT. I run my fingers over the
most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted
hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still
propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot
down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina?

Sealed shut.

Butt??

Sealed shut.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off.

Right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether businesses glued together
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In
scalding
hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck
to the bottom of the tub!!

God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the
bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking
surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to
the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret
trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located on my bottom. "Are we talking cheeks or hole or
what?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various
solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax
off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I
slip into glazed donut land.

My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really
have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids, and scared the dickens out of my friend,
but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!! It works!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair..................................

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................

ALL OF IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.

 

[copperbutterfly]

Husband : Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

LMAOROFF

tooooooo funny....

 

[Mr Duncan 001]

This is what I think.

 

[rozezwild]

This has to be one of the funniest and most god awful scenarios I have ever
heard of...bless this woman.
-------------------------------------------------------
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................

ALL OF IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.

OH FUCKING hell -- now you all know why i use that new VEET stuff

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

I have seen parents eat the food that their children have not finished. This is one good reason not to do that...



http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food.jpg

 

[techsan]

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day.

Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again.

This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. . . WHAT THE HELL IS A PINATA?"

 

[pleaz_me]

A college class was told to write a short story in as few words as possible. The story had to contain the following three things:

1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:
........................





"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."



( wonder if we coould get away with that now adays??)

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My side hurts from that one!

 

[pleaz_me]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

*Giggles* I can see you thinking that fast (((((((((((Tech))))))))))

 

[pleaz_me]

Rose

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give.

*Sniffle* That was soooo sweet... and SUCH a good lesson for all of us!

 

[pleaz_me]

This is what I think.

Amen to that!

 

[pleaz_me]

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day.

Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again.

This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. . . WHAT THE HELL IS A PINATA?"

Oh hell! My eyes are watering and my side REALLY hurts now! Toooooooooooooooo funny!