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Laughter is Contagious

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techsan said:
From limiwa ...

Well, he didn't say what to change it to...!?!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs11.jpg

Why not? Nobody else wants to be around 'em!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs12.jpg

Say what???
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs13.jpg

Let's see ... I'm illiterate but I can write ... who is illiterate?
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs14.jpg

Of course it is! What else would it be?
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs15.jpg
Click to expand...


OMFG we all need some serious help here :D
 
Lil Johnny

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old son:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Little Johnny: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Little Johnny: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little Johnny looked up at his mother and replied, "Bud."
 
Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods,of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
 
Funny story

I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelt's opponent in the 1936 election) had died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to tell.

There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?"

The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."

"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."

"Young man," he said, "the son of a bitch I'm looking for will be on the front page."
 
techsan said:
Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods,of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Click to expand...

*mumble mumble* damn things need swep alerts ;)
 
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns
and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of
sight. The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.


It says...


(Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)



(This is bad!)


(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)



(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)



(You can still delete it)



(You know you're gonna be sorry)



(Last chance)



(OK, here it is)




It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
 
From limiwa ...

Look at the black patch under the U.S. flag... You gotta love their humor!!!

This SHOULD be on the front cover of Time, Newsweek, etc. But it won't be.

The flags are France, Germany, and Russia, in case you don't know. Sure would like one of those stickers
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Colors01.jpg

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA , AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Colors02.jpg
 
 
 
From limiwa ...


MAXINE AND HER 5 NEW BOYFRIENDS!

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Maxine14.gif


Then I go to see John.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Maxine15.gif

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time
and attention.

When he leaves, Art Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!

Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Maxine16.gif
 
1972: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2004: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2004: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2004: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage

1972: Killer weed
2004: Weed Killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2004: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2004: Depends
 
techsan said:
Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods,of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Click to expand...
Lmao!
 
Funnies

A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may
I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover
that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could
carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes
perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:
I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to
the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be
used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,
Father." Next!

=========

While visiting with my parents this last week my Mom
started nagging me about getting married. My Dad came
to my rescue, "Oh, leave her alone," he said. "Let her
wait until the right man comes along."

"Why wait?" my Mom snapped. "I didn't."
 
wally2450 said:
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may
...
"Why wait?" my Mom snapped. "I didn't."
Click to expand...
"... and that's no lie!" ROTFL
 
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
 
From limiwa ...

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew

I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do.​


 
Nursing Home Humor

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was totally unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

Yes," he said, "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale
 
WalMart Greeter

A very unattractive, mean looking woman walks into Walmart with her two kids.

The Walmart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
"Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice."
 
A letter was left on the dining room table:

My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
 
Butt Measurements


A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
 
bumper stickers to give you a chuckle . .


Jesus loves you .. but everyone else thinks you are an ass


Impotence ... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."


The proctologist called ... they found your head


Everyone has a photographic memory
... some just don't have any film.


Save your breath .. You'll need it to blow up your date


Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted


I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


Guys ... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one


Some people just don't know how to drive ...
I call these people "Everybody But Me."


Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends


Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.


If you can read this..I can slam on my brakes and sue you.


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


Try not to let your mind wander..It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.


Hang up and drive!!


Welcome to America ... now speak English
​
 
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