Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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techsan said:
I'm worried now.
limiwa
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A man walked up to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave. Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned. Sure enough, the next day, the man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?" "Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to stay the hell away from my wife!"
limiwa
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he definitely was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And you don't want me to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. They knew not to underestimate the word of a Texan, especially one who had a few too many beers.
The man finished off a few more beers and walked outside where his horse had been returned.
He saddled up, and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar, and saw the man stumbling to get on his horse.
"Say, partner," he said, "before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
When he finished his drink, he found his horse stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And you don't want me to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. They knew not to underestimate the word of a Texan, especially one who had a few too many beers.
The man finished off a few more beers and walked outside where his horse had been returned.
He saddled up, and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar, and saw the man stumbling to get on his horse.
"Say, partner," he said, "before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
limiwa
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A woman from New Jersey and another woman were seated side-by-side on an
airplane.
The woman from New Jersey, being friendly and all, said, "So, where are
you from?"
The other woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a
preposition at the end of a sentence."
The woman from New Jersey sat quietly for a moment and then replied, "So,
where are you from, bitch?"
airplane.
The woman from New Jersey, being friendly and all, said, "So, where are
you from?"
The other woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a
preposition at the end of a sentence."
The woman from New Jersey sat quietly for a moment and then replied, "So,
where are you from, bitch?"
limiwa
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Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars," she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".
"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".
limiwa
Something new every day
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Men
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging
violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across
in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed,
"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able
to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river.
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred
yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging
violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across
in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed,
"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able
to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river.
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred
yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
limiwa
Something new every day
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- Apr 25, 2005
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OMG, I know several couples just like this one!
An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
limiwa
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School Humor
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently
faced with a unique problem. A number of 13-year-old girls were beginning
to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them
back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all
the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took
out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the
mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY....
There are teachers, and then there are Educators.
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently
faced with a unique problem. A number of 13-year-old girls were beginning
to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them
back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all
the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took
out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the
mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY....
There are teachers, and then there are Educators.
limiwa
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Ah...the literate man
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The f*cking Funeral Director would be my guess"
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The f*cking Funeral Director would be my guess"
limiwa
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God bless 'em, every one
The marine's train ride
The train was quite crowded, so the tired US Marine walked the train's length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "You Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, but you are also terribly arrogant!"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown The wrong bitch out the window."
The marine's train ride
The train was quite crowded, so the tired US Marine walked the train's length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "You Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, but you are also terribly arrogant!"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown The wrong bitch out the window."
limiwa
Something new every day
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- Apr 25, 2005
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Maybe the wrong place to post, but what the heck.
Three Good Thoughts-Ain't it the truth!
(1) Zero Gravity When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
(2) Our Constitution "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years.. And, we're not using it anymore."
(3) Ten Commandments The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians .. It creates a hostile work environment
Three Good Thoughts-Ain't it the truth!
(1) Zero Gravity When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
(2) Our Constitution "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years.. And, we're not using it anymore."
(3) Ten Commandments The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians .. It creates a hostile work environment
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly
a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many
cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored.
He then accesses ! a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives
a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks
about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........
Now give me back my dog."
a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many
cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored.
He then accesses ! a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives
a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks
about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........
Now give me back my dog."
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Zen Wisdom
1 - Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. As a matter of fact, just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2 - The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
-or-
2b - The journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
3 - It's always darkest before the dawn. So, if you're going to steal your next door neighbor's newspaper, then is the time to do it.
4 - Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5 - Always remember that you are unique...just like everybody else.
6 - Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7 - If you think that nobody cares that you are alive...try missing a couple of car payments.
8 - Before you criticize someone, you should first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away...and you have their shoes.
9 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10 - Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish...and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11 - If you lend someone twenty dollars and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12 - If you tell the truth...you don't have to remember anything.
13 - Accept the fact that some days you are the bug...and some days you are the windshield.
14 - Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15 - The quickest way to double your money is fold it in half and stick it back into your pocket.
16 - A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17 - Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
18 - There are two theories on how to argue with women. Neither one works.
19 - Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20 - Experience is something you don't get until right after you needed it.
21 - Never miss a good chance to shut up.
1 - Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. As a matter of fact, just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2 - The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
-or-
2b - The journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
3 - It's always darkest before the dawn. So, if you're going to steal your next door neighbor's newspaper, then is the time to do it.
4 - Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5 - Always remember that you are unique...just like everybody else.
6 - Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7 - If you think that nobody cares that you are alive...try missing a couple of car payments.
8 - Before you criticize someone, you should first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away...and you have their shoes.
9 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10 - Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish...and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11 - If you lend someone twenty dollars and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12 - If you tell the truth...you don't have to remember anything.
13 - Accept the fact that some days you are the bug...and some days you are the windshield.
14 - Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15 - The quickest way to double your money is fold it in half and stick it back into your pocket.
16 - A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17 - Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
18 - There are two theories on how to argue with women. Neither one works.
19 - Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20 - Experience is something you don't get until right after you needed it.
21 - Never miss a good chance to shut up.
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Snoring Solution
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The other guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said,"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "That Daryl shakes the roof. I sat & watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly ex-football player; a man's man The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed, with a cheerful "Good Morning!" They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight..... He sat up and watched me all night."
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The other guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said,"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "That Daryl shakes the roof. I sat & watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly ex-football player; a man's man The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed, with a cheerful "Good Morning!" They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight..... He sat up and watched me all night."
limiwa
Something new every day
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- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
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The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of A new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) .
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be Dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the Following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don 't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday .
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be Dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the Following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don 't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday .
- Status
