Laughter is Contagious
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pleaz_me
Icing Queen
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- Dec 2, 2005
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Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone
And last, but not least:
7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone
And last, but not least:
7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
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- Dec 2, 2005
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- 47,698
A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of
a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window
and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you
have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
"Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone,
and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls
up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility
in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email
on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and
the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally,
he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves,"says the cowboy. He watches the young man select
one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man
stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell
you exactly what your business is, will you give me back
my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the
cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You
showed up here even though nobody called you;
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked. You tried to show me
how much smarter than me you are;and you don't
know a damn thing about cows........
Now give me back my dog."
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of
a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window
and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you
have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
"Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone,
and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls
up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility
in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email
on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and
the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally,
he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves,"says the cowboy. He watches the young man select
one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man
stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell
you exactly what your business is, will you give me back
my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the
cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You
showed up here even though nobody called you;
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked. You tried to show me
how much smarter than me you are;and you don't
know a damn thing about cows........
Now give me back my dog."
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
: Original Computer
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy.
. you just hoped nobody ever found out
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy.
. you just hoped nobody ever found out
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
hahaha, very observant priest!higherlevel4u said:An attractive young woman tries to enter her local church, topless ....
The priest stops her at the door. "You can't come in here dressed like that, Miss" he says.
She says "But I have a divine right!"
The priest, looking down at her ample breasts, says "And you've got an equally divine left, my dear, but you still can't come in here like that!"
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Excited about his new project concept, a movie producer had called together several big name draws to kick some ideas around. The project, an action docu-drama about famous composers featured Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwartzenegger in leading roles.The producers really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."
Things were going well; the producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."
Things were going well; the producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
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- 6,165
A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman. The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both. The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both. Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both. The boy then asks 'Father, is Michael Jackson God??'
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
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- 6,165
PRISON LIFE VS FULL-TIME JOB
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Young fella
A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner. "Mom,
I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."
So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.
About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again
asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to
question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him
leave happy.
Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of
cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her
curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing
why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son
sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.
"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks.
"Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a
prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner. "Mom,
I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."
So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.
About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again
asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to
question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him
leave happy.
Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of
cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her
curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing
why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son
sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.
"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks.
"Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a
prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
LovelyOnes
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 589
Web Addresses That Should Have Had More Thought Put Into Them
1) Who Represents? - a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com
2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
Advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net
4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com
5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk
7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line
with PowerGen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com
1) Who Represents? - a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com
2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
Advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net
4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com
5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk
7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line
with PowerGen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
A man picks up his golf-ignorant girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?"
"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving."
"Oh, well. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer."
"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving."
"Oh, well. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Having a Bad Day?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday janitor, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day??
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil Spill in Alaska was $80,000 At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day???
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a Bad Day??
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day???
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Are you now feeling better?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday janitor, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day??
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil Spill in Alaska was $80,000 At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day???
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a Bad Day??
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day???
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Are you now feeling better?
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