Laughter is Contagious

[rozezwild]

Southern Charms

These are so true....

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."
_______

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request
for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little
bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can
be 1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between
a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do
"queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to
everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee
are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;
and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart" and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your
Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and
call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads:

"I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

 

[BlackWolf65]

These are so true....

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."
_______

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request
for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little
bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can
be 1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between
a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do
"queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to
everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee
are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;
and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart" and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your
Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and
call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads:

"I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

Rozez, if I may so bold, where do you hail from???

 

[cymbline]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 15 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "11 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15 pounds the day he was born!

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised.

 

[pleaz_me]

These are so true....

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

"I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

Are ya'll fixing ta have that there "southerness" class yonder just down the road?

 

[pleaz_me]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 15 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "11 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15 pounds the day he was born!

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised.

LMAO!!!!!

 

[wally2450]

College course's we'd like to see (women)

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

Parties: Going Without New Outfits

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet, Too

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His

Communication Skills I: Tears, the Last Resort, Not the First

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share

Telephone Skills: How to Stop Talking and Hang Up

Introduction to Parking

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor

Water Retention: Fact or Fat

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

TV Remotes: For Men Only

Emotions: Men Have Them, Too

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

Ballet: For Women Only

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges

 

[wally2450]

College course's we'd like to see (men)

Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!

If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II



Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore

Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels

Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper

Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

Retro or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware

Romance: More Than a Cable Channel

Bathroom Accuracy 101

Strange But True: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category

Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

Be the First Man to Say These Three Words: "I Don't Know"

Changing Your Underwear—It Really Works

The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty Means Empty

Directions: It's Still Okay to Ask for Them

Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

PMS: Learning to Keep Your Mouth Shut

Understanding the Female Response to Coming in Drunk at 4:00 A.M.

Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception

Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

How to Stay Awake After Sex

Garbage: Getting It to the Curb

Helpful Posture Hints for the Couch Potato

How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children

 

[rozezwild]

Rozez, if I may so bold, where do you hail from???

Michigan Born and Bred My dear

Southern by the grace of God

 

[techsan]

These are so true....

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
...
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads:

"I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

SO ABSO-DAMN-LUTELY TRUE! And if readers cain't appreciate ever one of these, they just need to try a spell of Southerness!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

Are gas prices really too high?

 

[techsan]

From rozezwild ...

Why is it important to learn English when you live in the United States?

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/English.jpg

 

[techsan]

Are gas prices really too high?

LMAO...good one, p_m

 

[rozezwild]

Are gas prices really too high?

Good one PM and can i follow those straps they look like they go some interesting places

 

[pleaz_me]

From rozezwild ...

Why is it important to learn English when you live in the United States?

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/English.jpg

Hehe.... maybe we should replace all toothpastes for the ones that don't believe they need to learn English to be in America!

ok, sorry... maybe that wasn't appropriate, but it's my opinion!

 

[pleaz_me]

Good one PM and can i follow those straps they look like they go some interesting places

Now if I only had that BODY!

 

[techsan]

Now if I only had that BODY!

Awwww, p_m, you don't need that body...I'd love to explore the one you've got, no changes required!

 

[pleaz_me]

Awwww, p_m, you don't need that body...I'd love to explore the one you've got, no changes required!

((((((((((Tech))))))))) you're too sweet!

Lots of Friday morning es and s to ya!
Having a good morning?

 

[techsan]

Taste Test

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

 

[techsan]

((((((((((Tech))))))))) you're too sweet!

Lots of Friday morning es and s to ya!
Having a good morning?

Morning, p_m. No, I'm not even having a good month. I've been housebound for the last 13 days with no relief in sight. Not what I'd prefer to be doing. Tho' I DO like talking to you...!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

Taste Test

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

Morning, p_m. No, I'm not even having a good month. I've been housebound for the last 13 days with no relief in sight. Not what I'd prefer to be doing. Tho' I DO like talking to you...!!!

Why housebound??? I think I'd go stir-crazy Especially after the nice long trip you just took!

 

[techsan]

Freudian Slip

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.

"Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh."

The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You ruined my life, bitch!'"

 

[pleaz_me]

Freudian Slip

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.

"Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh."

The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You ruined my life, bitch!'"

Oh hell..... he's toooooooo subtle!

 

[done_got_old]

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase some peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk.

 

[pleaz_me]

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase some peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!