Laughter is Contagious

[wally2450]

Late at night

A guy comes home to his wife at 2AM smelling of alcohol and sporting a dishevelled appearance. The wife asks, "What have you been doing at this hour?" "Birdwatching, " said the man. "Right", says the woman. "Just what kind of bird is out at this time of the night?" The man replied, "A red headed, doublebreasted mattress thrasher!"

 

[wally2450]

Blonde Science Teacher

:d :d

 

[pleaz_me]

:d :d

LMAO! That's cute!

 

[KnightWing]

Dear Makers of Tide Detergent:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

[carrie-on]

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
Normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing
Mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have
Poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in
The middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!
The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's
Wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I
Had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship
With God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
And poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when
he's done, poof! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the
Refrigerator again!"

 

[pleaz_me]

Dear Makers of Tide Detergent:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!​

 

[wally2450]

Home Depot

 

[pleaz_me]

Oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh...........WHERE do we find him????? I need one of those mouth thingies

 

[copperbutterfly]

Good eveing everyone! I've been slacking! Ok...I haven't gotten any funny stuff lately! Except for NOW!!!!!

I probably should have gone back another couple of pages but basically it's Friday night and I'm lazy...I hope this hasen't posted!!!!

Need a good laugh? A first grade teacher had 25 students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known saying and asked them to come up with the remainder of it. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses..................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.........................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.........Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ........ termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ...... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that .............. looks dirty.
7. No news is.....................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a................ . Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ......... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ..................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs
13. An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's .............. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is .....................not much.
17. Two's company, three's ........... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry...... and you have to
blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ..............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ................ get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ....... see in the picture
on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ............... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than ..................pregnant

 

[Jail]

http://www.headlinehumor.com/images/signs/s11.gif

 

[Jail]

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

 

[Jail]

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."

 

[Jail]

These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?" "Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."

 

[pleaz_me]

Good eveing everyone! I've been slacking! Ok...I haven't gotten any funny stuff lately! Except for NOW!!!!!

6. Don't bite the hand that .............. looks dirty.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ..................................... me.
15. Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is .....................not much.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry...... and you have to
blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ..............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ................ get new batteries.
25. Better late than ..................pregnant

LMAO Copper! These are my favorites.........tooooooooooooo precious "out of the mouths of babes"

 

[pleaz_me]

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!​

 

[pleaz_me]

These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?" "Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! (((((((Jail))))))

 

[limiwa]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in Upstate NY one evening when an old cow walked in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The old cow was hit and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray and his face was smeared with lipstick. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand and an expensive Cuban cigar in the other. He was smiling happily from cheek to cheek

"What happened?" demanded Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" insisted Hillary.

The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow. Things kinda got confused after that."

 

[Jail]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! (((((((Jail))))))

*giggles* (((((((((((((((((pleaz)))))))))))))))))))

I gotta few more, I just gotta download 'em first from my email

 

[pleaz_me]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in Upstate NY one evening when an old cow walked in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The old cow was hit and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray and his face was smeared with lipstick. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand and an expensive Cuban cigar in the other. He was smiling happily from cheek to cheek

"What happened?" demanded Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" insisted Hillary.

The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow. Things kinda got confused after that."

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

 

[pleaz_me]

*giggles* (((((((((((((((((pleaz)))))))))))))))))))

I gotta few more, I just gotta download 'em first from my email

(((((((((((((((Jail)))))))))))))))) Don't post 'em all too fast, I've got 2 cakes to bake and decorate today I won't be able to keep up!

 

[Jail]

(((((((((((((((Jail)))))))))))))))) Don't post 'em all too fast, I've got 2 cakes to bake and decorate today I won't be able to keep up!

LOL ok, pleaz, I'll slow down................a bit

what kinda cakes?

 

[pleaz_me]

LOL ok, pleaz, I'll slow down................a bit

what kinda cakes?

One is for a first communion....just finished making the grapes and leaves and the chalise(?) Still have to bake the cake though and put it all together. Hoping it turns out the way I want!

The second is a man's birthday cake .... have to wait till the little one goes to bed to make that one... *giggles*

 

[Jail]

One is for a first communion....just finished making the grapes and leaves and the chalise(?) Still have to bake the cake though and put it all together. Hoping it turns out the way I want!

The second is a man's birthday cake .... have to wait till the little one goes to bed to make that one... *giggles*

ahhhhhh right, communion time is here now. How soon I forget that since mine did her's 12 years ago. The cake sounds beautiful.

As for the other cake....................LMFAOOOOOOOOOO *as she visualizes what it will be*

 

[pleaz_me]

ahhhhhh right, communion time is here now. How soon I forget that since mine did her's 12 years ago. The cake sounds beautiful.

As for the other cake....................LMFAOOOOOOOOOO *as she visualizes what it will be*

Hehe.....I have so much fun coming up with ideas for *fun* cakes! Too many ideas running through my mind for this one though!

 

[Jail]

the perfect day
The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless).
Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation.
Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo,
Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed,
hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep