Laughter is Contagious

[Jail]

The Creation of a Pussy:

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a c*nt.

 

[Jail]

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

 

[Jail]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

 

[wally2450]

Marine on a train...

The train was quite crowded, so a U S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked,

"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the
wrong bitch out the window."

 

[carrie-on]

A Priest was about to leave his Mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a "rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest really is getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike!"

 

[carrie-on]

Three third graders, including a Rednek kid are
in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new
game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The first kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the second kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of
inches longer.
Not to be outdone, the Rednek kid whips his out. It is by far the
biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Rednek kid's mother asks him
what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a
math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my
friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the
biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Rednek. Is that true,
Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

 

[carrie-on]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're
hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked brunette woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked brunette woman, face up, gorgeous body and breasts and totally unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes, she was alive.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know ... screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?!!"

 

[carrie-on]

The police arrested a 22-year-old male,
in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
He will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the local courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, he apparently failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until an officer approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said the officer . "I walked up and he's...just working away at this pumpkin. " went on to describe what happened when SHE approached him . "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
looked me straight in the face and said, ... "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

 

[Mr Duncan 001]

A sign of the times

What's next?

 

[pleaz_me]

What's next?

I sooooooooooo need to apply there after this past weekend!!!!!!!!!!

 

[copperbutterfly]

A little something to help keep up! I miss Techie...


A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.

BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN.
HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD!
IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED"; THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD. A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.

SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.

THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!"

THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."

SO THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF!"

"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS.”


Come back soon , Techsan!

 

[ObsidianRose]

The chicken and the egg are lying in bed together....

The chicken is reclining in bed looking relaxed and happy with a self-satisfied smile on his face; left talon supporting his head, a cigarrette clutched in his right talon. He looks over at the egg with a lazy smile.

The egg does not return the smile. Clearly, she is not happy. In fact, she's looking rather pissed. Without warning, she throws back the bed covers and saunters naked toward the bathroom door.

As she reaches the door she throws an evil look over her shoulder at the chicken and says, "Hmph, well I guess we just answered THAT question." She slams the door.


Think about it...it sometimes takes a minute to absorb the punchline.

 

[pleaz_me]

A little something to help keep up! I miss Techie...

...........

Come back soon , Techsan!

*Ditto*


LMAO Copper.........GOOD one!

 

[pleaz_me]

The chicken and the egg are lying in bed together....

The chicken is reclining in bed looking relaxed and happy with a self-satisfied smile on his face; left talon supporting his head, a cigarrette clutched in his right talon. He looks over at the egg with a lazy smile.

The egg does not return the small. Clearly, she is not happy. In fact, she's looking rather pissed. Without warning, she throws back the bed covers and saunters naked toward the bathroom door.

As she reaches the door she throws an evil look over her shoulder at the chicken and says, "Hmph, well I guess we just answered THAT question." She slams the door.


Think about it...it sometimes takes a minute to absorb the punchline.

Oh geesh! I really DID have to think about that one!!!!!!!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!

 

[ObsidianRose]

Oh geesh! I really DID have to think about that one!!!!!!!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!

Don't worry about it. It took me a WEEK to get it. I was on a CONFERENCE CALL when I finally did. Needless to say, I made a complete fool of myself.

Just found a typo and corrected it. That may have confused you, too.

 

[pleaz_me]

Don't worry about it. It took me a WEEK to get it. I was on a CONFERENCE CALL when I finally did. Needless to say, I made a complete fool of myself.

Just found a typo and corrected it. That may have confused you, too.

Lol.......I do that at work all of the time! I have GOT to stop reading these while I'm at work!

No worries with the typo I figured it out earlier!

 

[Archangel_5607]

OOO MMMMM GGGGGG!!!

*in tears from laughter*
ROFLMFAO!!!!

*stumbles away in laughter*

i love it, awesome jokes!!!

 

[wally2450]

Two women...

A blonde and her brunette friend were walking in the park one Sunday morning. The brunette said, " Look at the dead bird!" The blonde looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" Later, after they had brunch at a cafe downtown and left the cafe, the blond nudged her brunette friend and pointed to the florist accross the street and said, " Hey, isn't that your husband going in there?" To which the replied, " Yes, my beloved husband. No man could treat me better. But now I will have to be on my back for the next three days with my legs up in the air." The blonde was aghast and said, " What,s the matter, don't you have a vase?"

 

[ObsidianRose]

OOO MMMMM GGGGGG!!!

*in tears from laughter*
ROFLMFAO!!!!

*stumbles away in laughter*

i love it, awesome jokes!!!

Geez, Archangel...you alright, baby? LOL Glad you enjoyed it...if, in fact, it was the chicken & egg joke you're laughing about. LOL

 

[ObsidianRose]

A blonde and her brunette friend were walking in the park one Sunday morning. The brunette said, " Look at the dead bird!" The blonde looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" Later, after they had brunch at a cafe downtown and left the cafe, the blond nudged her brunette friend and pointed to the florist accross the street and said, " Hey, isn't that your husband going in there?" To which the replied, " Yes, my beloved husband. No man could treat me better. But now I will have to be on my back for the next three days with my legs up in the air." The blonde was aghast and said, " What,s the matter, don't you have a vase?"

Oh shit!!! LOL Good one!

 

[pleaz_me]

NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee.Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13. When you roll down the window ask for " a hamburger and a shake to go".

 

[KnightWing]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult
four hour,surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give
him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles
in

the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

 

[pleaz_me]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult
four hour,surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give
him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles
in

the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

ROFLMAO!!!!!
This one gets me every time!

 

[kayte]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.


Naturally, the guys all agreed.


Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing


shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."


With that, the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down


the middle, right in front of the green.


The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.


The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little."


After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the


ball within five feet of the hole. She was closest to the pin.


The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."


The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.


Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway.


For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year-old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."


The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green,carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."


The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to he right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."


The old gray haired grandfather walked up to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"



Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and skill every time.

 

[kayte]

Almost nearly not quite hardly yet done ready!

Just a few more things to cram in the car and I'm off like a herd of turtles. See you in about 12 days.

{{{{{{{{{Techsan}}}}}}}}}

You are missed. Hope you are having a fine time.