Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
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Almost nearly not quite hardly yet done ready!pleaz_me said:Hehehehe..........he's definitely delusional! Poor thing!
All ready for your trip darlin?
Just a few more things to cram in the car and I'm off like a herd of turtles. See you in about 12 days.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Shipwreck (hope no repost)
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by as the result of a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman. 2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
- One month later on these same absolutely stunning islands, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her better than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by as the result of a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman. 2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
- One month later on these same absolutely stunning islands, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her better than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
What Shakespeare Really Meant
Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson video?
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.
Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson video?
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.
Lonely Knight
Cancer Survivor
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2005
- Posts
- 1,326
For Immediate Action
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a " DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID & GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a " DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID & GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
The Lesson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Gators
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near
Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one
and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much
bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size
as kids. I just don't get it.
Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by
the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on
the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time
you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there
ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near
Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one
and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much
bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size
as kids. I just don't get it.
Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by
the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on
the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time
you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there
ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.
Archangel_5607
Persistant Fooker
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2005
- Posts
- 1,756
Proving that Democrats are more hostile than Republicans?
One day three boys were were fishing under a bridge when George Bush came jogging by and slipped and fell off and into the water.
The three boys saved him.
George Bush said that he would give them anything they wanted.
The first boy said that he wanted a trip to Disneyland. George Bush said, "OK, I will take care of that when I get back."
The second boy said, "I want my dad to have a new car." George Bush said, "OK, I will take care of that when I get back."
The third boy said, "I want an electric wheelchair."
President Bush said, "But, why son? You're not handicapped. Why would you need that?"
The boy replied, "I will be after my dad finds out who I saved from drowning
One day three boys were were fishing under a bridge when George Bush came jogging by and slipped and fell off and into the water.
The three boys saved him.
George Bush said that he would give them anything they wanted.
The first boy said that he wanted a trip to Disneyland. George Bush said, "OK, I will take care of that when I get back."
The second boy said, "I want my dad to have a new car." George Bush said, "OK, I will take care of that when I get back."
The third boy said, "I want an electric wheelchair."
President Bush said, "But, why son? You're not handicapped. Why would you need that?"
The boy replied, "I will be after my dad finds out who I saved from drowning
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
Dear Dad,
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
"Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read
the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so
nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her
piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is
so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad she's
pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it
with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy
we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15,
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to
visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
"Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read
the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so
nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her
piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is
so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad she's
pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it
with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy
we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15,
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to
visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously ery unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
" Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
" Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
pleaz_me said:
LMAOROFF
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A Touching Story...
A Child Labor Story.......
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you
believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our
time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day
a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot.
The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing
the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more
or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this
home
to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the F***ING DRYWALL..."
A Child Labor Story.......
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you
believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our
time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day
a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot.
The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing
the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more
or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this
home
to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the F***ING DRYWALL..."
Hellfire75
Seraphim Sucker
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2006
- Posts
- 2,442
There was a cat and a rooster wondering by a lake. Both were famished, looking for any food they could find, but to no avail. Later on, the rooster finds himself focusing upon a worm, inching its way nearby. The rooster then proceeds to chase and then pounce on the worm, eating it quickly. Resting after his meal, he rubs his belly in pure satisfaction.
The cat looks at the rooster and thinks to himself, "Well, if he can do it, I can do it." Not long after the rooster eats his worm, the cat spots a mouse scurrying nearby the lake. The cat raises its tail, arches its back, and with all its might, attempts to pounce on the mouse, only to end up in the lake.
What is the moral of the story?
Where there is a satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy...
The cat looks at the rooster and thinks to himself, "Well, if he can do it, I can do it." Not long after the rooster eats his worm, the cat spots a mouse scurrying nearby the lake. The cat raises its tail, arches its back, and with all its might, attempts to pounce on the mouse, only to end up in the lake.
What is the moral of the story?
Where there is a satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy...
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
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- Oct 30, 2004
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- 30,188
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have. "The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
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