Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that 1her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Hey, LK, I loved all of these but especially these two. Great laughs!

 

[techsan]

Bob is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to a Native American medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."

Bob rushes home, eager to try! out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he

gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

Oooooh, no, another year! LMAO

 

[Kowboy]

Lonely Knight,

Thank very much for posting the laughs yesterday. I was laughing so hard that tears were coming out.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

 

[techsan]

...

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

But then you knew you were playing with fire, didn't you? LMAO

 

[Archangel_5607]

And WHO says men aren't clever!?


A woman standing naked in front of a bedroom mirror says to her husband, “Honey, I look fat, ugly, and pale. Give me a compliment to cheer me up.”

The husband thinks for a second and replies, “At least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight..."

 

[Archangel_5607]

*sighs*

A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator.

It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says,

“Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”
The blonde then responds, “How do you give shoulders?”

 

[Archangel_5607]

This is for all us Oldies...cough cough Tech cough cough

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I'm getting at.”

 

[Archangel_5607]

A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

 

[Archangel_5607]

A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean.
Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asks.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."

 

[wally2450]

Pickup Putdowns

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the STD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

 

[Jail]

http://69.56.133.71/funny_pictures/funny_pictures_111.jpg

 

[Jail]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[Jail]

http://www.lifeisajoke.com/Men_Women/cold-tit.jpg

 

[Jail]

http://www.lifeisajoke.com/Signs/virgin_airlines.jpg

 

[Tom Collins]

Hot Dogs for Homophobes
Need I say more...

 

[Jail]

self-expanatory

http://www.lifeisajoke.com/Sport/bulls_revenge.JPG

 

[techsan]

*sighs*

A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator.

It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says,

“Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”
The blonde then responds, “How do you give shoulders?”

ROTFLMAO! I'll take the Head~~~

 

[techsan]

This is for all us Oldies...cough cough Tech cough cough

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I'm getting at.”

Well...easy cum, easy go! Guess she was just counting the heirs on his head!

 

[techsan]

A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

ROTF ... who says justice is blind?

 

[techsan]

A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean.
Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asks.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."

But ... what a way to pass the time on a dull ferry!

 

[techsan]

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the STD Clinic."
...
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Ah, classic lines all! Never worked and never will...LMAO

 

[techsan]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

...

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

ROTFLMAO

 

[techsan]

self-expanatory

ROTFLMAO ... all three are outstanding pictures, Jaily!

 

[techsan]

Why was the taxi driver found dead?

One rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Garden Street ," answered the woman.

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"

"Well, ma'am," replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller ?"

 

[Jail]

Someone was really wanking hard sheeeeeeeeeeesh

http://www.perils-of-pleasure.com/Beginning/BrokenDick.jpg