Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterwards the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

 

[Hellfire75]

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterwards the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

LMAO

 

[Hellfire75]

A man takes his wife to the doctor and after a few days the doctors office calls to say there was a problem with the results of tests and they ask him to come in to discuss it.

The doctor says "your wifes lab tests were mixed up and were not sure whether she has aids or alzheimers". The man says, "what should I do, how can I find out", to which the doctor says: "Take her to the mall parking lot and drop her off and drive home - if she makes it back home - don't fuck her"

 

[techsan]

A man takes his wife to the doctor and after a few days the
...
if she makes it back home - don't fuck her"

OOOOOOOOOOoooooooo, that engenders confidence in our medical processes, doesn't it!

 

[Archangel_5607]

its that special time of year.....

Q. Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?


A. He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens.

Is that wrong to anyone else in here?!?! *points n' shit*

 

[Archangel_5607]

For all those God-Fearing People out there, dont steal!!!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replied, "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

 

[techsan]

Winner of the 2005 World's Smallest Swimsuit award ...

(some of you won't like these: beware!)

Note that the pieces are held in place by clear fishing line. The funniest part is in the third panel...not the older guy to the right of her hand? He could care less ... he's already getting his!!!

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Smallestswimsuit4.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Smallestswimsuit3.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Smallestswimsuit2.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Smallestswimsuit1.jpg

 

[techsan]

For all those God-Fearing People out there, dont steal!!!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replied, "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

ROTFLMAO ... I love it, Arch

 

[Archangel_5607]

For all us Oldies...you know who you are
*hobbles around with his cane n' shit, yelling whipper snapper!!*


Q: Why are old men in nursing homes given Viagra?

A: So they don’t roll out of bed.

 

[techsan]

For all us Oldies...you know who you are
*hobbles around with his cane n' shit, yelling whipper snapper!!*


Q: Why are old men in nursing homes given Viagra?

A: So they don’t roll out of bed.

HEYYYYYYYY!!! I resemble that remark! LMAO

 

[Archangel_5607]

Has this happened to anybody before?
I know it has to me....thats the last damn dentist i visit i'll tell you that right now!!! And to boot, he still didnt fix my damn tooth!!!!

A woman visiting her doctor’s office suddenly blurts out, “Doctor, kiss me!” The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.

About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, “Doctor, please, kiss me just once!” Again he refuses apologetically but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.

Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the exasperated woman pleads with the doctor, “Doctor, doctor, please kiss me just once!”

“Look,” says the doctor. “I am sorry. I just can’t kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be fucking you.”

 

[Jail]

Has this happened to anybody before?
I know it has to me....thats the last damn dentist i visit i'll tell you that right now!!! And to boot, he still didnt fix my damn tooth!!!!

A woman visiting her doctor’s office suddenly blurts out, “Doctor, kiss me!” The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.

About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, “Doctor, please, kiss me just once!” Again he refuses apologetically but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.

Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the exasperated woman pleads with the doctor, “Doctor, doctor, please kiss me just once!”

“Look,” says the doctor. “I am sorry. I just can’t kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be fucking you.”

ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[Archangel_5607]

For the Aspiring Cooks...yeah i know its a bad joke, thats why we're becomming cooks, duh! * n' shit*


A waiter asks a patron, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, how exactly do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

 

[Archangel_5607]

I Love the priorities on this one....i'd be pissed about the same thing too....*shifty eyes*....er....wait a minute.....


One morning a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course. He finds her attractive, and he asks her if she’d like to play with him. So they play a round, and she wins by five strokes. Sensing the guy’s embarrassment, the woman offers to accompany him to the parking lot and give him a blow job in her car to make him feel better.

For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by five or six strokes each time, then gives the guy a blow job in the parking lot. That weekend he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner.

She arrives and blurts out, “I must confess something to you. I’m a transvestite. I’m really a man.”

“You son of a bitch!” the guy replies. “You’ve been hitting off the women’s tee all week!”

 

[Archangel_5607]

Ever get shut down in the sack due to health problems....i think this might be a bit extreme for not getting some from the night before....


A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. “Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him,” says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

“Now tell HIM you have a headache.”

 

[Archangel_5607]

This Here is some serious Internal Office Hatred.....i felt good for the guy, but bad for the wife, i know we all have that boss we've hated, but.....

A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband. "I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday." The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.

By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?" "Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

 

[Archangel_5607]

HAHA, I love quick wit!!


A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks her what she’s doing and she replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old.”

The husband asks, “What did he say about your 50-year-old ass?”

“Frankly, dear, your name didn’t come up.”

 

[Archangel_5607]

better than the face.....



One night, looking to have a good time, a man decides to go to the Foxy Lady. While he is sitting enjoying the show, a man seated right behind him screams loudly, “Take it off!”

The man in front turns around and says, “Can you please quiet down, I’m trying to enjoy the show.”

The man in the back says, “I’m sorry, it’s just my enthusiasm.”

The stripper begins to take off her dress. So the guy in back yells, “Take it off!!!” The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet. The guy in back again says that it was just his enthusiasm. The stripper then proceeds to remove her bra. The guy in back again yells, “Take it off!!!”

The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet again getting the same response from the guy in back.

Then the stripper removes her g-string, and everyone in the club gets on their feet and cheers and yells, all except for the guy in the back.

The guy in front turn’s around and says, “Where’s your enthusiasm now, pal?”

The guy in back just smiles and says, “All over your back, pal.”

 

[Archangel_5607]

Good Luck finding a Witness, i'll tell you that.....

A blonde visits a police precinct looking for a job, so the officer asks her a few questions.
“What’s two plus two?” he asks.

“Umm…four,” the blonde replies.
“And the square root of 100?”
“It’s 10.”

“OK. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the blonde.
“Go home and come back when you know the answer,” says the cop.

The blonde goes home and calls one of her friends, who asks if she got the job.
“Not only did I get it,” answers the blonde, “but I’m already working on a murder case!”

 

[techsan]

I Love the priorities on this one....i'd be pissed about the same thing too....*shifty eyes*....er....wait a minute.....


One morning a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course. He finds her attractive, and he asks her if she’d like to play with him. So they play a round, and she wins by five strokes. Sensing the guy’s embarrassment, the woman offers to accompany him to the parking lot and give him a blow job in her car to make him feel better.

For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by five or six strokes each time, then gives the guy a blow job in the parking lot. That weekend he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner.

She arrives and blurts out, “I must confess something to you. I’m a transvestite. I’m really a man.”

“You son of a bitch!” the guy replies. “You’ve been hitting off the women’s tee all week!”

LOL ... struggling ... to ... catch ... my ... breath! Yeppers, priorities!

 

[techsan]

Ever get shut down in the sack due to health problems....i think this might be a bit extreme for not getting some from the night before....


A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. “Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him,” says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

“Now tell HIM you have a headache.”

"quick, hon, bring me the aspirin!"

 

[copperbutterfly]

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club".

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?".

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

OMG!!!! LMAO

 

[techsan]

Hi, copper. Hey, have you seen my picture of the biker and his babe?
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http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/BikerandBabe.jpg

 

[copperbutterfly]

Hi, copper. Hey, have you seen my picture of the biker and his babe?
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http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/BikerandBabe.jpg

You are such a smart ass! You visited my thread lately? New pics!!!! Thank you for the laughter....Arch is a hoot!

 

[techsan]

You are such a smart ass! You visited my thread lately? New pics!!!! Thank you for the laughter....Arch is a hoot!

Been keeping tabs...see post #1957 on your thread!

Yep, Arch brings chuckles wherever he goes and that ain't all bad, in spite of his "bad penny" rep.