Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

Good evening everybody....tonight is weird stuff! Enjoy!


HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY:

FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a
hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her
armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control
was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.....

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with
lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in
her privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I
would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it
was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony
mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling
around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the
mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The
concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and
pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's
rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy - we live sheltered
lives!)

BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of
severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they
would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to
help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor
examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in
at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my
gosh!!!)

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State
emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his
hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They
eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for
a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the
table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the
act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the
man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation,
the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!! I'm still laughing!!!!

Friendship is like peeing your pants.......
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's true warmth

ROFL...it is absolutely amazing what some people will do!!!

 

[techsan]

Little Davie

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

**************

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
***************

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this?

Little Davie said, "Well.. every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

****************
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
***************

Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
***************

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[techsan]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses.

 

[vfrman]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses.

Damn thats funny!! And what is worse is I can just hear hm saying it!!

 

[BlackWolf65]

Damn thats funny!! And what is worse is I can just hear hm saying it!!

Being the father of two boys, so can I... ROFL!

 

[FantasySlut]

Not sure if this is a repost....but, here goes.....

The only way for the Jane and John Smith to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed .. "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later,

"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later,

'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments,

"The Coopers are having sex !!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed !!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

 

[BlackWolf65]

Not sure if this is a repost....but, here goes.....

The only way for the Jane and John Smith to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed .. "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later,

"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later,

'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments,

"The Coopers are having sex !!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed !!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

ROFL....

 

[pleaz_me]

Little Davie

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
<<<<<>>>>>>
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby.
<<<<<<>>>>>>
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses.

OMG!!!!!! Leave it good 'ole Johnny boy!

 

[techsan]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ... ?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

 

[pleaz_me]

When a man talks sexual to a woman, it's called sexual harassment...........







When a woman talks sexual to a woman, it's $3.95 a minute!

 

[techsan]

When a man talks sexual to a woman, it's called sexual harassment...........







When a woman talks sexual to a woman, it's $3.95 a minute!

ROTFLMFAO! ... how true, how true!

 

[pleaz_me]

ROTFLMFAO! ... how true, how true!

Are you shocked that this was told to me by a truck driver?

 

[techsan]

Are you shocked that this was told to me by a truck driver?

LOL ... no! Sounds like something one of them would come up with! Now every time I see a trucker on his cell phone, I'll wonder...!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

LOL ... no! Sounds like something one of them would come up with! Now every time I see a trucker on his cell phone, I'll wonder...!!!

Nope, that isn't his wife he's calling!

 

[Tom Collins]

Thanks for posting on my thread, techsan.
Here's my contribution to yours.

 

[techsan]

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club".

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?".

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

 

[wally2450]

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 

[techsan]

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

...

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

LMAO ... append to #15 ... as long as there is not a backup of players waiting to play through.

 

[Hellfire75]

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club".

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?".

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

LMAO

 

[Hellfire75]

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house

 

[techsan]

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house

LMAO!

 

[Hellfire75]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the bloke. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

 

[techsan]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the bloke. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

ROFL ... I've heard this one before but it's still funny!

 

[Hellfire75]

A tall woman met a midget at a party.

The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there