Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Lawyer and the Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."
Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.
"Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated!
He wakes the blonde again and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."
Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.
"Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated!
He wakes the blonde again and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Oh, boy! One of these days I'll get myself in trouble over ethnic jokes but ...
HOW THE JEWS GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said,
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments"
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested.
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
HOW THE JEWS GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said,
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments"
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested.
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
~ sent to me by Sprinkles~
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a
fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that
evening and, three days later, she became his
stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men...
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a
fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that
evening and, three days later, she became his
stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men...
One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-mart." That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he =20 mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results. He =20 deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer lights up, and ten =20 seconds later prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart
Lonely Knight
Cancer Survivor
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2005
- Posts
- 1,326
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
ROTFLMAOgimo33 said:One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-mart." That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he =20 mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results. He =20 deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer lights up, and ten =20 seconds later prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart
Lonely Knight
Cancer Survivor
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2005
- Posts
- 1,326
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute, and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no! He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.
6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cursing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Ive read these jokes on other forums, thought I'd share with you guys.
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Ive read these jokes on other forums, thought I'd share with you guys.
Last edited:
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Wedding Night
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's
lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him
severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared,
"just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his
rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.
"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's
lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him
severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared,
"just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his
rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.
"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."
- Status
