Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
es and 
s for ya Tech......it is going to take me FOREVER to catch up on this thread!
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Sorry, this is a kind of long one but maybe you'll think it is worth it...?!?
Cat Lover --- or Not
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ... and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Cat Lover --- or Not
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ... and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
copperbutterfly said:One more for the night and I'm off to bed!
Peanuts!
In the middle of trying to throw up a peanut and catch it in his mouth, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
Oh hell wheres my shotgun????
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
techsan said:
oHHHH this hurtssssssssssssss. laughing....crying......holding my tummy...you have to have experienced the 'needle like claws'.....to understand........ohhhh more laughing...
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
Men Strike Back
Ok it is a guy thing but hell i was rolling from it
------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can 't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------!
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
A woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Ok it is a guy thing but hell i was rolling from it
------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can 't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------!
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
A woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
ROTFLMAOrozezwild said:Ok it is a guy thing but hell i was rolling from it
...
------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
rozezwild said:Ok it is a guy thing but hell i was rolling from it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
AMEN!!
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and e at lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and e at lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
You grew up in the 80's IF....................
>>
>> 1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE."
>>
>> 2. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and can
>>do the "Carlton."
>>
>> 3. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly
>>sexy.
>>
>> 4. Two words: Hammer Pants. actually owned a few pair and wore them with pride lol
>> 5. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
>>
>> 6. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your
>>shirt in a knot on the side.
>>
>> 7. You wore stone washed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of
>>it.
>>
>> 8. L.A.Gear....need I say more?
>>
>> 9. You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing"and all
>>the Ramona Quimby books.
>>
>> 10. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF."
>>
>> 11. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (Some of
>>us...head-to-toe).
>>
>> 12. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his
>> nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
>>
>> 13. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence. i actually do LOL
>>
>> 14. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes (and probably in neon
>>colors,too).
>>
>> 15. After you saw "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" you kept saying "I
>>know
>>you are, but what am I? i did and still do sometimes say "i meant to do that!"
>>
>> 16. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up."
>>
>> 17. You remember going to the skating rink before there were
>>inline skates. (If you could skate backwards....you were in!!) (You did the "slow skate" with your boyfriend)
>>
>> 18. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
>>
>> 19. You have played with a Skip-It. yep
>>
>> 20. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
>>
>> 21. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement. guilty
>>
>> 22. "Don't worry, be happy."
>>
>> 23. You wore, like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high
>>top Reeboks.
>>
>> 24. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do). always
>>
>> 25. You remember boom boxes. still have it
>>
>> 26. You remember Alf, the li'l furry brown alien from Melmac. and he ate pussies (lucky bastage)
>>
>> 27. You remember NKOTB-- New Kids on the Block when they were cool. i never did like them
>>
>> 28. You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "SHOT THROUGH THE
>>HEART."
>>
>> 29. (You just sang those words to yourself.) guilty
>>
>> 30. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. Oh yeah............it
>>will
>>never be that good again or NASCAR looking like real stock cars
>>
>> 31. Homemade Levi shorts... (The shorter the better.)
>>
>> 32. You remember when mullets were cool!
>>
>> 33. You had a mullet! . .......... yep
>> 34. You still sing "We are the World."
>>
>> 35. You tight rolled your jeans. yep
>> 36. You owned a banana clip.
>>
>> 37. You remember "Where's the Beef?
>>
>> 38. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin'
>>'bout
>>Willis?"
>>
>> 39. You had BIG hair and you knew how to use it.(Can I say Rave hairspray!!!!) yes i had long hair then but not big hair
>>
>> You're still singing "Shot through the Heart" in your head,
>>aren't you???/!!! yep LOL
>>
>> PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN THE 80s!!
>>
>> ROCK ON!!
>>
>> 1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE."
>>
>> 2. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and can
>>do the "Carlton."
>>
>> 3. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly
>>sexy.
>>
>> 4. Two words: Hammer Pants. actually owned a few pair and wore them with pride lol
>> 5. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
>>
>> 6. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your
>>shirt in a knot on the side.
>>
>> 7. You wore stone washed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of
>>it.
>>
>> 8. L.A.Gear....need I say more?
>>
>> 9. You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing"and all
>>the Ramona Quimby books.
>>
>> 10. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF."
>>
>> 11. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (Some of
>>us...head-to-toe).
>>
>> 12. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his
>> nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
>>
>> 13. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence. i actually do LOL
>>
>> 14. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes (and probably in neon
>>colors,too).
>>
>> 15. After you saw "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" you kept saying "I
>>know
>>you are, but what am I? i did and still do sometimes say "i meant to do that!"
>>
>> 16. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up."
>>
>> 17. You remember going to the skating rink before there were
>>inline skates. (If you could skate backwards....you were in!!) (You did the "slow skate" with your boyfriend)
>>
>> 18. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
>>
>> 19. You have played with a Skip-It. yep
>>
>> 20. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
>>
>> 21. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement. guilty
>>
>> 22. "Don't worry, be happy."
>>
>> 23. You wore, like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high
>>top Reeboks.
>>
>> 24. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do). always
>>
>> 25. You remember boom boxes. still have it
>>
>> 26. You remember Alf, the li'l furry brown alien from Melmac. and he ate pussies (lucky bastage)
>>
>> 27. You remember NKOTB-- New Kids on the Block when they were cool. i never did like them
>>
>> 28. You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "SHOT THROUGH THE
>>HEART."
>>
>> 29. (You just sang those words to yourself.) guilty
>>
>> 30. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. Oh yeah............it
>>will
>>never be that good again or NASCAR looking like real stock cars
>>
>> 31. Homemade Levi shorts... (The shorter the better.)
>>
>> 32. You remember when mullets were cool!
>>
>> 33. You had a mullet! . .......... yep
>> 34. You still sing "We are the World."
>>
>> 35. You tight rolled your jeans. yep
>> 36. You owned a banana clip.
>>
>> 37. You remember "Where's the Beef?
>>
>> 38. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin'
>>'bout
>>Willis?"
>>
>> 39. You had BIG hair and you knew how to use it.(Can I say Rave hairspray!!!!) yes i had long hair then but not big hair
>>
>> You're still singing "Shot through the Heart" in your head,
>>aren't you???/!!! yep LOL
>>
>> PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN THE 80s!!
>>
>> ROCK ON!!
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
New Rules
From Bill Maher
New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over your laundry. If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static rattling around in your head, I'd read your blog.
New Rule: Powerball Jackpot winners must stop saying they're not sure if they're going to quit their jobs. Of course you're going to quit your job. And I have news for you. Your co-workers want you to quit your job. Nobody wants to be on the pork-processing line next to the unbearable ass in the Gucci smock.
New Rule: Boy George must now be called Man George. Come on! You're no longer a hot British chick. You're Uncle Fester. And, by the way, over the weekend, Boy George got busted for cocaine possession. And now everyone is saying the same thing: "He had money for coke?"
New Rule: If your people are so desperate mannequins make them horny, there's something wrong with your religion. This week, police in Iran confiscated 65 mannequins for being too sexy. Guys, I'm sorry, but it's the mannequins that are supposed to have the sticks up their asses. In the free West, we don't have impure thoughts about inert hunks of tit-shaped plastic. We have Britney Spears.
New Rule: Words printed on a coffee cup will not turn you gay. A Baylor University dining contractor has banned Starbucks cups that have a quote from a gay author. Listen, breeders, you can't get AIDS from a Styrofoam container. And besides, if you're holding a double half-caf, vanilla mocha latte, extra foam sprinkled with nutmeg, you're already gay!
New Rule: If your razor has five blades, it's not a razor, it's a weed-whacker. With the new Gillette Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble; the second severs the hair follicle; the third slices your skin; the fourth scrapes bone marrow; and the fifth was used by O.J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back.
New Rule: Just because we have an obligation to rebuild New Orleans doesn't mean we have to put it back in the same place. For $200 billion, we could put the French Quarter on the moon. Why don't we put it someplace it can stay out of harm and do some good? After all, New Orleans is the Big Easy, and a lot of America is uptight. Which is why I say we put New Orleans in Kansas.
New Rule: The fortunes in fortune cookies have to be fortunes. "You surround yourself with good friends" is not a prediction. It's a compliment. Quit kissing my ass, cookie! If I'm going to sit through a plate of MSG-laden, twice-cooked kitty-cat, I want a real fortune like, "That meal you just ate is going to give you cancer."
New Rule: There aren't "101 Sex Tricks." In fact, ladies, there is only one. It's called the blowjob. Do it 101 times.
And finally, New Rule: When a woman over 60 has a baby, it's not a miracle from God. It's a miracle from genetic engineers, fertility experts and the good people at Merck. Here in California last week, a 62-year-old woman with 11 children, 20 grandchildren and three great grandchildren, gave birth again. To a 40-year-old man who walked out. At an age when most women are content to putter around the garden or perform the opening number at the Grammys -- Janise Wulf, age 62, told the press at a news conference, "Age is a number. Every time you revolutionize something, there's going to be naysayers." To which the reporters replied, "We're over here!" And, lady, let me tell you something. You're not a revolutionary. You're a vagina with no off switch. Twelve kids? Let me guess. You're either a Catholic or a hamster. Look, I don't want to be the one to say that this lady is too old and she's already had enough children. But, this lady is too old and she's already had enough children! Hey, when you're 62 and you want children, you have two choices: a) in vitro fertilization, or b) luring them into a house made out of candy. But, in vitro fertilization is not for 62-year-old grandmothers. It's for 35-year-old lesbians. I know a little about this subject, because I recently patented a vibrating turkey-baster—ribbed for her enjoyment. And to everybody who came to my last Thanksgiving, I'm very sorry about the mix-up.
From Bill Maher
New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over your laundry. If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static rattling around in your head, I'd read your blog.
New Rule: Powerball Jackpot winners must stop saying they're not sure if they're going to quit their jobs. Of course you're going to quit your job. And I have news for you. Your co-workers want you to quit your job. Nobody wants to be on the pork-processing line next to the unbearable ass in the Gucci smock.
New Rule: Boy George must now be called Man George. Come on! You're no longer a hot British chick. You're Uncle Fester. And, by the way, over the weekend, Boy George got busted for cocaine possession. And now everyone is saying the same thing: "He had money for coke?"
New Rule: If your people are so desperate mannequins make them horny, there's something wrong with your religion. This week, police in Iran confiscated 65 mannequins for being too sexy. Guys, I'm sorry, but it's the mannequins that are supposed to have the sticks up their asses. In the free West, we don't have impure thoughts about inert hunks of tit-shaped plastic. We have Britney Spears.
New Rule: Words printed on a coffee cup will not turn you gay. A Baylor University dining contractor has banned Starbucks cups that have a quote from a gay author. Listen, breeders, you can't get AIDS from a Styrofoam container. And besides, if you're holding a double half-caf, vanilla mocha latte, extra foam sprinkled with nutmeg, you're already gay!
New Rule: If your razor has five blades, it's not a razor, it's a weed-whacker. With the new Gillette Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble; the second severs the hair follicle; the third slices your skin; the fourth scrapes bone marrow; and the fifth was used by O.J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back.
New Rule: Just because we have an obligation to rebuild New Orleans doesn't mean we have to put it back in the same place. For $200 billion, we could put the French Quarter on the moon. Why don't we put it someplace it can stay out of harm and do some good? After all, New Orleans is the Big Easy, and a lot of America is uptight. Which is why I say we put New Orleans in Kansas.
New Rule: The fortunes in fortune cookies have to be fortunes. "You surround yourself with good friends" is not a prediction. It's a compliment. Quit kissing my ass, cookie! If I'm going to sit through a plate of MSG-laden, twice-cooked kitty-cat, I want a real fortune like, "That meal you just ate is going to give you cancer."
New Rule: There aren't "101 Sex Tricks." In fact, ladies, there is only one. It's called the blowjob. Do it 101 times.
And finally, New Rule: When a woman over 60 has a baby, it's not a miracle from God. It's a miracle from genetic engineers, fertility experts and the good people at Merck. Here in California last week, a 62-year-old woman with 11 children, 20 grandchildren and three great grandchildren, gave birth again. To a 40-year-old man who walked out. At an age when most women are content to putter around the garden or perform the opening number at the Grammys -- Janise Wulf, age 62, told the press at a news conference, "Age is a number. Every time you revolutionize something, there's going to be naysayers." To which the reporters replied, "We're over here!" And, lady, let me tell you something. You're not a revolutionary. You're a vagina with no off switch. Twelve kids? Let me guess. You're either a Catholic or a hamster. Look, I don't want to be the one to say that this lady is too old and she's already had enough children. But, this lady is too old and she's already had enough children! Hey, when you're 62 and you want children, you have two choices: a) in vitro fertilization, or b) luring them into a house made out of candy. But, in vitro fertilization is not for 62-year-old grandmothers. It's for 35-year-old lesbians. I know a little about this subject, because I recently patented a vibrating turkey-baster—ribbed for her enjoyment. And to everybody who came to my last Thanksgiving, I'm very sorry about the mix-up.
- Status
