Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Edna and Jim
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry."
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
These notes were written by real doctors on real patients' charts:
The operation was a success, but the patient died.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
The operation was a success, but the patient died.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
sounds like me
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny ! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!!!!
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny ! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!!!!
Last edited:
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties
You make the bed.............................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....................0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....................................................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty......................................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....................-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom......-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night ................................................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.....................................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..............................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................................................+10
It's her father.........................................................................................-10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party........................................................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.........................................................................................-2
Named Tiffany..........................................................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer....................................................................................-6
Tiffany has implants.................................................................................-8
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner........................................................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ..............................+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.............................................................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....................................................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team..............................................................-10
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely..........................................................-20
You forget your anniversary....................................................................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station............................................-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey..............................................................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............................................-60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ......................................................................................-5
And the pal is happily married ..................................................................-4
Or frighteningly single ..............................................................................-7
And he drives a Mustang........................................................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ......................................-15
You have a few beers...............................................................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour....................................................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call.......................................-20
You get home at 3 am.............................................................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ....................-40
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.........................................................................................................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home
real late..................................................................................................+10
You wait up.............................................................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed......+20
A Night Out
You take her to a movie............................................................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................................................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ............................................................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3................................................................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .............................-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected............................................. 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it .........................+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ........................+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..............................................................-25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly............................................................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it................+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......................................................................-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".....................-800
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical...................................-5
Something she can't use..........................................................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane.........................................................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday.........................................-40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip..................................................................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost........................................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .........................................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal............................................................................................-25
You know them.........................................................................................-60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..........................................................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.......................................................................-10
You reply, "Where?"..................................................................................-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression......................................0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...........................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV................+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......................................-20
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties
You make the bed.............................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....................0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....................................................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty......................................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....................-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom......-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night ................................................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.....................................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..............................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................................................+10
It's her father.........................................................................................-10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party........................................................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.........................................................................................-2
Named Tiffany..........................................................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer....................................................................................-6
Tiffany has implants.................................................................................-8
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner........................................................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ..............................+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.............................................................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....................................................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team..............................................................-10
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely..........................................................-20
You forget your anniversary....................................................................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station............................................-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey..............................................................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............................................-60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ......................................................................................-5
And the pal is happily married ..................................................................-4
Or frighteningly single ..............................................................................-7
And he drives a Mustang........................................................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ......................................-15
You have a few beers...............................................................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour....................................................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call.......................................-20
You get home at 3 am.............................................................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ....................-40
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.........................................................................................................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home
real late..................................................................................................+10
You wait up.............................................................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed......+20
A Night Out
You take her to a movie............................................................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................................................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ............................................................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3................................................................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .............................-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected............................................. 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it .........................+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ........................+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..............................................................-25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly............................................................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it................+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......................................................................-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".....................-800
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical...................................-5
Something she can't use..........................................................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane.........................................................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday.........................................-40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip..................................................................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost........................................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .........................................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal............................................................................................-25
You know them.........................................................................................-60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..........................................................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.......................................................................-10
You reply, "Where?"..................................................................................-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression......................................0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...........................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV................+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......................................-20
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
Hypnotist in the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the senior center and
the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around
to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front
of the
meeting room he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who
invite two or
three people up here to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience".
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each
to keep your eye
on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's
been in my
family
for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..." The
crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs
of eyes followed
the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
It was entertainment night at the senior center and
the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around
to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front
of the
meeting room he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who
invite two or
three people up here to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience".
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each
to keep your eye
on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's
been in my
family
for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..." The
crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs
of eyes followed
the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool
and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things......
One: The bartender is a blonde woman
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in
karate and I have a very bad attitude.
Now, think about it seriously mister, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks about it for a few seconds, then shakes his head and
says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things......
One: The bartender is a blonde woman
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in
karate and I have a very bad attitude.
Now, think about it seriously mister, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks about it for a few seconds, then shakes his head and
says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
New Law:
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Here is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Here is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Well it's Saturday night! 
Time for Bubba and Junior!
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we
don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We
ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the
reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.
Time for Bubba and Junior!Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we
don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We
ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the
reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
LMAO!copperbutterfly said:Well it's Saturday night!
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we
don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We
ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the
reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
rozezwild said:
LMAOROFF That's the funniest thing I've read all day!
- Status
