Laughter is Contagious
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techsan
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The Druggist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
techsan
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Good morning, sweet lady. Glad you liked it. Here's another:pleaz_me said:
Getting Old
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
techsan
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Getting Old
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
techsan
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I'm either having a great morning ... or I'm still asleep and don't know it!pleaz_me said:Lol...........I hope that's not just cuz of getting old!
Hope you're having a great morning {{{{{Tech}}}}}!
Try this one:
Getting Old
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
Machiavellix
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An elderly couple was sitting on a porch reminiscing. Out of the blue the wife asks the husband if, in their 50 years of marriage, did he ever cheat on her. Sheepishly, he replies once, many years ago.
They become silent for several seconds. Eventually, the husband gets around to asking her the same thing. She goes inside to the house and comes back out with a shoebox.
Inside the shoebox is 6 kernels of corn and 20,000 dollars in cash.
When asked what it was for, she replies that each time she cheated on him she threw in a kernel of corn.
When asked what the money was for, she says, "each time I get a bushel I sell it."
They become silent for several seconds. Eventually, the husband gets around to asking her the same thing. She goes inside to the house and comes back out with a shoebox.
Inside the shoebox is 6 kernels of corn and 20,000 dollars in cash.
When asked what it was for, she replies that each time she cheated on him she threw in a kernel of corn.
When asked what the money was for, she says, "each time I get a bushel I sell it."
pleaz_me
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Oh, my sides hurt!!!!!!!!!techsan said:I'm either having a great morning ... or I'm still asleep and don't know it!
Try this one:
Getting Old
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
Maybe you're having a good morning and don't want to admit it
techsan
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Getting Old
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said,"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said,"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Machiavellix
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techsan said:
Nah, I think the word for that is cashcow. lol
techsan
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Getting old
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
(mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
(mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Machiavellix
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Positive things about Alzheimers:
No more summer repeats...
You can arrange your own scavenger hunts...
Have your first kiss over and over again...
Who wouldn't want to forget their in-laws?
No more summer repeats...
You can arrange your own scavenger hunts...
Have your first kiss over and over again...
Who wouldn't want to forget their in-laws?
techsan
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Grave Side Service
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service for a derelict man who had died while traveling through the area with no family or friends. This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this new cemetery in the country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I soon became lost. Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew and backhoe, but the hearse was no where in sight.
The workmen were eating lunch.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, who looked puzzled. I stepped to the side of the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.
As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen,. Praise the Lord and Glory, ( they must have been Baptist). I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I began from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I preached for two hours and 45 minutes. It was a long and lengthy service. I closed in prayer and it was finished.
As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat I overheard one of the workers saying to another, " I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like this before....."
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service for a derelict man who had died while traveling through the area with no family or friends. This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this new cemetery in the country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I soon became lost. Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew and backhoe, but the hearse was no where in sight.
The workmen were eating lunch.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, who looked puzzled. I stepped to the side of the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.
As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen,. Praise the Lord and Glory, ( they must have been Baptist). I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I began from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I preached for two hours and 45 minutes. It was a long and lengthy service. I closed in prayer and it was finished.
As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat I overheard one of the workers saying to another, " I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like this before....."
copperbutterfly
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Good evening funny people! I hope the day went well!!!
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass."
Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and eat dinner there!"
"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass."
Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and eat dinner there!"
"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
noodle_knocker
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Hey - what do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Homeless.
techsan
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ROTFLMAO! Had to be a lawyer, huh, Copper?copperbutterfly said:Good evening funny people! I hope the day went well!!!
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
...
Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
noodle_knocker
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techsan said:
Lol - no, I have a job.
The chicken and the egg are lyng in bed. The chicken is smiling and smoking a cigarette, but the egg is upset. She mutters to herself, "Well I guess we answered that question."
techsan
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The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. (You won't hear our answer anyway!)
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. (You won't hear our answer anyway!)
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
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