Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked. "I bought it with the quarter you gave me." "The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School." "I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying. Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam -- are you up there? Did you make it okay?" There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"

~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:
"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:
My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments. Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this commandment meant. With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."

~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:
"King David used to be a hero of mine, but not anymore," little Brodie told his mother after church one Sunday. "Why not, son?" "I learned today that he killed the Jolly Green Giant."

~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:
A Sunday School teacher asked, "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he with just two worms?"

 

[pleaz_me]

My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments. Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this commandment meant. With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."

Why, oh, why didn't I follow this one!

 

[omahaman2]

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said 'SIT'! Now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare and I can't do a thing with it!"

 

[techsan]

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said 'SIT'! Now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare and I can't do a thing with it!"

Another super-groaner, OMAN...LMAO

 

[copperbutterfly]

Porcupines.........

Adds a new dimension to "love hurts"!

 

[copperbutterfly]

I want one of these!!!!!!!!!!

When you find it....let me know!!!!!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Evening all! Here is my contribution of fun for the night! Enjoy!!!!!


What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass-kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's theBullshit and Ass-kissing that will put you over the top !!!!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's theBullshit and Ass-kissing that will put you over the top !!!!!!

Lol.......THAT's what I'm not doing! Guess I'll have to start tomorrow!

 

[techsan]

Evening all! Here is my contribution of fun for the night! Enjoy!!!!!


What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
...

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's theBullshit and Ass-kissing that will put you over the top !!!!!!

Copper!
ROTFLMAO!

What is the old saying? Figures can lie and liars can figure!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Thank you darlin! I saved it the minute I read it!!!!

How about a simple one?



LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

A teacher asked her class to make a sentence using the word "fascinate".

Molly put up her hand up and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten-eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[techsan]

Thank you darlin! I saved it the minute I read it!!!!

How about a simple one?



LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

A teacher asked her class to make a sentence using the word "fascinate".

Molly put up her hand up and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten-eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

oh, wow! I knew it was cumming but just not how! Now my side hurts from laughing...

 

[rozezwild]

Beer Belly........

These were all great ---BUT this one was my favorite

 

[Abner Devereaux]

If you are going to be kissing more than one Blarney Stone this St. Patrick's Day . . . . Make sure you wear a Leppercaundom !

 

[techsan]

More Bumper Stickers

Could you drive any better if ....
I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
***
Some people are only alive because
it is illegal to shoot them.
***
All Men Are Animals,
Some Just Make Better Pets
***
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up
Your Soccer Mom
***
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
***
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE,
PLANT A MAN!
***
Forget world peace.
Visualize using your turn signal.
***
Save Your Breath ...
You'll need it to blow up your date!
***
Don't drink and drive...
You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
***
You are depriving some poor village
… of its IDIOT
***
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
***
JESUS SAVES..Then Passes it
To Gretzky..He Shoots..He..Scores!
***​

​

​

 

[pleaz_me]

Hi Y'all.....

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word
SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City &County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service ." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service " a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

 

[techsan]

Hi Y'all.....

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word
SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City &County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service ." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service " a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

LMAO ... can you say "screw-by dooby doo?"

 

[techsan]

There goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth ... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"

 

[pleaz_me]

There goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth ... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

 

[techsan]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

 

[techsan]

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job more than four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?
Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, so act like it.

 

[pleaz_me]

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job more than four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?
Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, so act like it.

That is ABSOLUTELY too funny Tech!!!!

 

[techsan]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren,and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

 

[steelady]

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, so act like it.

I didn't expect that! LOLOL!

 

[techsan]

Don't know if you can relate to any of these...

---I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

---THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

 

[copperbutterfly]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

LMAO....and !!!!!!


A dedicated union auto worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.

"The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

" That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she's next."