Laughter is Contagious

[Lyrical Fool]

Loved the cartoons !

My contribution:

Boudreax, Thibodeaux, and Bubba were accused of heinous crimes in backwoods Lousiana. They had been gone a while, and were not aware that the parish had instituted the use of the guillotine in an effort to get "back to their roots" and be more French.

The executioner said, "Boudreaux. You stand accused of rapin' and murderin' and stealin'. All horrible things. How do you plead?"

Boudreaux thought a minute and said "Not guilty."

"Too bad," the executioner told him. "You cannot prove your innocence, therefore, you are sentenced to die." The executioner put Boudreaux's head on the block and let loose the cord, but the blade stopped half an inch from Boudreaux's neck.

"Divine Intervention!" the executioner cried. "It's your lucky day, Boudreax. Since we can't try to kill you more than once, you're free to go."

The executioner then approached Thibodeaux, and went through the whole spiel again.

"Not guilty," Thibodeaux replied.

"Too bad." And he let loose the rope again.

Once more the blade stopped very close to Thibodeaux's neck.
"Praise God! Divine Intervention twice in one day!" The executioner cried, happy not to be punishing innocent men. He told Thibodeaux he was free to go as well.

He approaches Bubba, and Bubba says, "Uh uh. Ain't no way I'm putting my neck down there til you get that damn thing fixed."

 

[truecelt2]

I want to complain!

Guy walks into the pharmacy at 10 am Monday morning.

"Hey! the box of condoms you sold me -
it said a gross but there were only 143 in there!"

Pharmacist: "Sorry if I ruined your weekend."

 

[techsan]

Loved the cartoons !

My contribution:

Boudreax, Thibodeaux, and Bubba were accused of heinous crimes in backwoods

...

He approaches Bubba, and Bubba says, "Uh uh. Ain't no way I'm putting my neck down there til you get that damn thing fixed."

LMAO

Bubba musta been blonde!

 

[techsan]

The Tiger

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I bought this killer jigsaw puzzle, but I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place to help her out. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.
Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

 

[Lyrical Fool]

Techsan,

Glad you liked it. You've had plenty of stuff that's made me giggle.

Happy to return the favor.

Now, if I could just find some more of those Boudreaux jokes. I love 'em.

 

[phoenix67]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

OMG I almost pee'd myself laughing at those Chuck Norris things.MY boss printed it out for me.I gained a whole new respect for him,well,Until he started staring at my tits again as he talked to me.

 

[techsan]

Techsan,

Glad you liked it. You've had plenty of stuff that's made me giggle.

Happy to return the favor.

Now, if I could just find some more of those Boudreaux jokes. I love 'em.

Just call my ol' friend Justin Wilson...he's got a ton of 'em.

 

[Kitten39]

LOLOL .. I almost choke on my drink.

Ok ...I did just choke on my nice glass of wine I was having.....very funny thread...I knew I should have visited the Playground a long time ago.
Love the thread my dear!

 

[techsan]

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45
seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a
lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

 

[Kitten39]

See ...he smells better...now wasn't it worth it?

 

[techsan]

See ...he smells better...now wasn't it worth it?

I'm not sure ... let me get out of uniform and check how many claw marks I have! Hmmm, four there, four yonder, three on my back ... well, damn, how'd I get those down there?

 

[techsan]

Janet Folan's Condition

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Janet Folan in Room 302."

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I would like to know the condition of Janet Folan in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Folan is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic ... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly, I'm Janet Folan in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"

 

[kayte]

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Janet Folan in Room 302."

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I would like to know the condition of Janet Folan in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Folan is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic ... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly, I'm Janet Folan in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"

LMAO!!!

Priceless and so scary too!!!

 

[kayte]

Giggles

A Priest's Job Promotion

A Catholic priest and a rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotions.

"What do you have to look forward to in terms of being promoted?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, next I can become a bishop."

"Yes, and then?"

"If I work real hard and do a good job as bishop, it's possible for me to become an archbishop.""OK, then what?"

Exasperated, the priest replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a cardinal."

"And then?"

Growing angry, the priest responded, "Well, with lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work, if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?"

"Good grief!" shouted the priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," responded the rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

 

[techsan]

A Priest's Job Promotion

A Catholic priest and a rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotions.
...
"Well," responded the rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

LMAO
Good one, kayte!

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

A Priest's Job Promotion

A Catholic priest and a rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotions.

"What do you have to look forward to in terms of being promoted?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, next I can become a bishop."

"Yes, and then?"

"If I work real hard and do a good job as bishop, it's possible for me to become an archbishop.""OK, then what?"

Exasperated, the priest replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a cardinal."

"And then?"

Growing angry, the priest responded, "Well, with lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work, if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?"

"Good grief!" shouted the priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," responded the rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

LMAO!!!

 

[techsan]

How to wash a man's brain...!?!

 

[kayte]

LMAO
Good one, kayte!

Things definitely depend on which side you see it from!

 

[kayte]

How to wash a man's brain...!?!

OMG {{{{{{techie}}}}}}} Now I am LMAO!!!!

 

[omahaman2]

THE NEXT HIT SONG AND VIDEO

 

[omahaman2]

Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference fee includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

 

[omahaman2]

A man and women who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, hate to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea" she replied, "just for tonight, let's pretend we are married."

"Wow, that's a great idea," he exclaimed.

"Good" she replied, "get your own blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[techsan]

Redneck Bra

 

[techsan]

When calling someone names is not cussing ...