Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
Archangel_5607
Persistant Fooker
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2005
- Posts
- 1,756
Those conspiring bastards
i knew there was something going on behind the scenes!!!!
and i got the photos to prove it
http://www.doheth.co.uk/funny/misc/Saddam_And_Bush.jpg
i knew there was something going on behind the scenes!!!!
and i got the photos to prove it
http://www.doheth.co.uk/funny/misc/Saddam_And_Bush.jpg
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
Archangel_5607
Persistant Fooker
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2005
- Posts
- 1,756
techsan said:
LOL. i guess its like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs....
Whistle while you work?
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
***pick up*** "Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy,"... "Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Unc'a Frank." After
a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy,
right now!" "Uh, Okay, then......here's what I want you do. Put down
the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the
house." "Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went
flying out the front window and now she's all dead".
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?" "He jumped
out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.....but he must
have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it,
so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead
too".
***long pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?" hahahahaha
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy,"... "Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Unc'a Frank." After
a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy,
right now!" "Uh, Okay, then......here's what I want you do. Put down
the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the
house." "Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went
flying out the front window and now she's all dead".
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?" "He jumped
out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.....but he must
have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it,
so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead
too".
***long pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?" hahahahaha
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Snappy Answer #5
The "Teacher" Snappy Answer Of The Year!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Snappy Answer #5
The "Teacher" Snappy Answer Of The Year!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Archangel_5607
Persistant Fooker
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2005
- Posts
- 1,756
Archangel_5607
Persistant Fooker
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2005
- Posts
- 1,756
Archangel_5607
Persistant Fooker
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2005
- Posts
- 1,756
Archangel_5607
Persistant Fooker
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2005
- Posts
- 1,756
Ok this was just wrong, but i couldn't resist
Night All
http://www.doheth.co.uk/funny/misc/New_Urinal.jpg
Night All
http://www.doheth.co.uk/funny/misc/New_Urinal.jpg
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Michigan lefts
1. Single lane both directions. Turn Left or No Left turn
2. median on road you are going to turn left. Get it right lane turn rt. cross over to furthest lane. Make a left then another left.
3. median in direction your going and median in the direction you want to go. Get in left lane go past your intersection to turnaround, make a left turn, Get into far right lane and make a rt turn. There now you made your Michigan left turn.
There are more then one type of Michigan lefts.kayte said:Sure seems like they learned how to do left turns from NJ!! Remembering that and that there is no self serve gas there. They pump it for you!
1. Single lane both directions. Turn Left or No Left turn
2. median on road you are going to turn left. Get it right lane turn rt. cross over to furthest lane. Make a left then another left.
3. median in direction your going and median in the direction you want to go. Get in left lane go past your intersection to turnaround, make a left turn, Get into far right lane and make a rt turn. There now you made your Michigan left turn.
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Techsan, you have outdone yourself! Thank you for the great thread....
It is always good to laugh with you!
It is always good to laugh with you!
omahaman2
Here's your sign
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2001
- Posts
- 18,171
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it -- this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it -- this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Accident Report
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Sincerely,
P.
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Sincerely,
P.
- Status
