Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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techsan
...just chugging along
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Want to be a nanny?
The Top 15 Signs You're Not Nanny Material
15. Your "license" is from the Nevada State Athletic Commission.
14. When prospective employers ask what your thoughts are on discipline, you simply point to your 5-inch stiletto heels.
13. Your bedtime story to the kids consists of telling them that the Sandman will rip their faces off if they don't go right to sleep.
12. No more free evenings since you became "Trevor, pantsless defender of the night!"
11. Your solution to every problem: Your homemade "Kiddie Nunchuck"
10. Your only experience with children involves the baby doll dress and Shirley Temple wig the escort agency made you wear.
9. Your version of Rock-A-Bye-Baby involves an actual tree top.
8. You always seem to choose "Sex with boyfriend" over "Dinner for kids."
7. You bring over some dingoes to watch the baby while you're out.
6. "Spoonful of sugar" may work for Mary Poppins, but nothing beats a shot of Nyquil and leather restraints for *real* child control.
5. Tendency to check tyke's temperature with a meat thermometer.
4. Your brilliant new concept: Garbage bag cinched at baby's waist = 10-day diaper
3. You're Super-cali-fragil-istic-expi-ali-psycho.
2. Burping the baby involves a sixer of Bud and a Beefy Tostada.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Not Nanny Material...
1. "Hey! Simon didn't say, 'Breathe!'"
The Top 15 Signs You're Not Nanny Material
15. Your "license" is from the Nevada State Athletic Commission.
14. When prospective employers ask what your thoughts are on discipline, you simply point to your 5-inch stiletto heels.
13. Your bedtime story to the kids consists of telling them that the Sandman will rip their faces off if they don't go right to sleep.
12. No more free evenings since you became "Trevor, pantsless defender of the night!"
11. Your solution to every problem: Your homemade "Kiddie Nunchuck"
10. Your only experience with children involves the baby doll dress and Shirley Temple wig the escort agency made you wear.
9. Your version of Rock-A-Bye-Baby involves an actual tree top.
8. You always seem to choose "Sex with boyfriend" over "Dinner for kids."
7. You bring over some dingoes to watch the baby while you're out.
6. "Spoonful of sugar" may work for Mary Poppins, but nothing beats a shot of Nyquil and leather restraints for *real* child control.
5. Tendency to check tyke's temperature with a meat thermometer.
4. Your brilliant new concept: Garbage bag cinched at baby's waist = 10-day diaper
3. You're Super-cali-fragil-istic-expi-ali-psycho.
2. Burping the baby involves a sixer of Bud and a Beefy Tostada.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Not Nanny Material...
1. "Hey! Simon didn't say, 'Breathe!'"
Last edited:
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
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- Oct 30, 2004
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- 30,188
This was sent to me today, via email. I know he won't mind me posting this.
A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO WAVES AT HIM AND SAYS HELLO.
HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER. SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?"
TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY
CHILDREN."
NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND
SAYS...
"ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I HAD ON THE
POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY
BUTT WITH WET CELERY?"
SUDDENLY LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH
TEACHER."
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I love it!!!!!!!!!
A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO WAVES AT HIM AND SAYS HELLO.
HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER. SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?"
TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY
CHILDREN."
NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND
SAYS...
"ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I HAD ON THE
POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY
BUTT WITH WET CELERY?"
SUDDENLY LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH
TEACHER."
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I love it!!!!!!!!!
KnightWing
Trouble...
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- Nov 3, 2001
- Posts
- 17,018
Now that's funny Ms. Jail.
virgin_not
Literotica Guru
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- Nov 13, 2005
- Posts
- 50,785
Yet another tax
The IRS is about to tax your penis.
This is due to the fact that:
40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off and
10% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Effective January 1, 2006 , penises will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-10" Pole Tax
5"-8" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
-Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
-Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
-Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
The IRS is about to tax your penis.
This is due to the fact that:
40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off and
10% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Effective January 1, 2006 , penises will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-10" Pole Tax
5"-8" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
-Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
-Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
-Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
The classically-minded among us may have noted a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. While the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis." This translates to "The damned and accursed are convicted to the flames of hell."
Good to know that Microsoft has done its research.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. While the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis." This translates to "The damned and accursed are convicted to the flames of hell."
Good to know that Microsoft has done its research.
virgin_not
Literotica Guru
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- Nov 13, 2005
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- 50,785
hahaha..glad you like ithttp://bestsmileys.com/wink/2.giftechsan said:
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
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- 6,165
For all you guys and girls out there thinking about becoming a parent, here's a newspaper classified ad for the ol' parenting job. May not be hilarious but there is some humor there somewhere:
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
Repent Now!
A priest and a pastor from one of the local churches were standing by the ide of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now! Before it's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled "Leave us alone, you religious fanatics!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turned to the priest and asked "Do you think the sign should just say Bridge Is Out?"
A priest and a pastor from one of the local churches were standing by the ide of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now! Before it's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled "Leave us alone, you religious fanatics!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turned to the priest and asked "Do you think the sign should just say Bridge Is Out?"
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
Marriage
----- For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, She said, "Good trade."
----- For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, She said, "Good trade."
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