Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

 

[done_got_old]

Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, “How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, “Well Ray, old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” he asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

 

[neakman]

What should you do if your wife starts smoking?

“Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.”

 

[done_got_old]

Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.

Clean Funny Jokes about Aging
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had windows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.

 

[done_got_old]

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus", exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

 

[done_got_old]

“A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: ‘Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. ‘

“God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman… He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.

“Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

“At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

“The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: – Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!’

“The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: ‘My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you’ll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night’.”

 

[settledseas]

https://66.media.tumblr.com/99e7f87ddb4f163e59e64c402e7f4fd1/tumblr_pqpbp0k2wt1vopybk_540.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

https://oi468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/b_zpshqqyabca.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examination room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrive, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed”, she replied.

“Well strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said. “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.

 

[done_got_old]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[done_got_old]

Nominated as the world’s best short joke.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. “Mom” he asked. “Are these my brains?”

“Not yet”, she replied.

 

[phantom4533]

Hickory, dickory, dock,
Two mice ran up her sock.
One stopped at her garter,
The other was smarter,
Hickory, dickory, dock.

 

[MagnumOpus1976]

Three old women were sitting on a park bench, when a man in a trench coat ran up and exposed a very erect penis from beneath his coat. The lady on one end, and the lady in the middle both had a stroke.

..the other lady couldn't quite reach.

 

[done_got_old]

Married Four Times

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it...)


She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[done_got_old]

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?..."
"Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

 

[ga400us]

Some Humor

Another story from my life

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
................................................

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be opened when your girlfriend brings it to you.

..................................................

Old man takes his wife to the doctor

Old guy tells the doctor, " I've been reading online and my wife either has AIDS or Alzheimers "

The Doctor pauses and say's, " I'll tell you what, we could run a battery of tests that get very expensive so here's what you do"

"Take her out on a back road on your way home and kick her out of the car ....if she makes it home don't have sex with her"

...............................................

Drunk walks into a bar

Drunk screams, "BARTENDER GET ME A DAMN BEER!"

Bartender walks over and tells the guy, " No way you're already drunk I won't serve you"

Drunk leaves and 5 minutes later comes in the side door and screams, "BARTENDER GET ME A DAMN BEER!"

Once again she explains that he's drunk and needs to leave so he staggers out the side door.

5 minutes later he comes in the back door and screams, ""BARTENDER GET ME A DAMN BEER!"

Bartender screams" GOD DAMMIT I TOLD YOU NO I'M CALLING THE POLICE!"

Drunk gets a strange look on his face and say's, " How many damn bars do you work in?"

................................................

Sam

Sam walks into his boss’s office.

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”

“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.

 

[ga400us]

Government Notice

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegal's) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. Be sure to send this notice to your relatives and friends, so they'll know what happened to you.

I started to cry when I thought of you.

Then it dawned on me; I'll see you on the bus.

 

[ga400us]

Canned Milk - your laugh for the day

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family's dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all...'

She thought to herself, 'I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!'
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a big black car pulled up in front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am, the president of Carnation Milk absolutely LOVED your entry.....so much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000--even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!

The president did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall at headquarters...."

(Here it is: )
https://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e213/ho_taint/Carnation_zpshpsynfxx.jpg

True story!

 

[done_got_old]

WARNING: If you get a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

Plaese warm yu frends

 

[done_got_old]

John is having a bad day.

He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off.

He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.

He went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.

Now he’s afraid to pee.

 

[done_got_old]

My friend finally agreed to marry his long-time significant other.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've been thinking - now that we are married we should spend more time together. I think it's time you quit playing golf. Maybe you could sell your golf clubs."

My friend was startled, a horrified look was on his face.

She said, "Oh, darling, what's wrong?"

He said, "For a minute there you sounded just like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, I didn't know you'd been married before!"

He replied, "I haven't!"

 

[A_Hockey_Guy]

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

 

[done_got_old]

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

 

[done_got_old]

Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

 

[done_got_old]

An elderly Italian woman went to her parish priest and asked if he would hear her confession.

"Of course, my child," said the priest, who was decades younger than her.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War II, a handsome man knocked on my door and asked me to hide him from the Germans; I hid him in my attic, and they never found him."

"Wow! That's a charitable and wonderful thing you did, my daughter, and nothing that you need confess," said the priest.

"It gets worse, Father," groaned the old woman.

"I was weak, and told him that he had to pay for renting the attic with...ah...romantic favors," she continued, embarrassed. "You see my fiancé had died in the war some years ago, and I was lonely."

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding him; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest, thoughtfully, to put the old woman's soul at ease.

"Thank you so much, Father," said the old woman, relieved. "That's a load off my mind. Can I ask one more question?"

"Of course, my child," said the priest.


"Do I need to tell him that the war is over?"