Latest submission

[cheesy80s]

I'm not one to beg....oh hell, who am I kidding.
Of course I'm one to beg.....

PLEEEEZE read my first chapter of a new novella idea I'm working on. Ch.2 is forthcoming, but I need some encouragement and/or critiques.....

index :Sci-Fi & Fantasy : Katana's Battle Hymn Ch. 01

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=160662

 

[cheesy80s]

i'm going to bump myself.....which actually is a pretty typical sex life for me.

 

[Goldie Munro]

Hey - I really loved this! The opening description is powerful and catches you straight away. I also liked the tension you build between the couple and what is going on inside!

And of course I want to know more now!

 

[cheesy80s]

thanks!

Thank you, Goldie:

And fair's fair, so I plan to read your Molly and Micca stories.

I will have more shortly. But thanks for taking the time; feedback (yes, even negative) is important to me.

Cheesy80s

 

[vargas111]

Looks interesting. I hope it will not be too long.

Sounds like there should be a lot of pregnancies in the finale.

 

[GingerV]

I can pay no higher compliment than to tell you I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

I think you've got a winner here, I like the story idea and the foreshadowing. The meteor showers in the background were a good idea, well executed. If you really are hoping to develop this into a novel, I'd have spent slightly more time on the setting...the textures and colours of their immediate surroundings. I had a good image of them, and of the sky outside, but not a lot else. It read a bit like a precise for an anime, with the visual details left to the cartoonist. But that's seriously a minor flaw.

The writing itself if generally very good, but a little rough in places. There are some repetitve word choices, and some sentences that are more complex than they need to be (something I'm sensitive to as I just spent quality time editing that sort of thing out of a story of my own). I think if you took one more pass through it, tried to get rid of some of the overly complex phrasing (another of my own sins), I'd have no room to complain.

Oh, one teeny tiny little thing. I don't know of a mountain chain called the Sierra Madras. Is it possible you meant the Sierra Madres? It won't bug most people, I'm really just curious myself.

G

 

[cheesy80s]

I can pay no higher compliment than to tell you I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

I think you've got a winner here, I like the story idea and the foreshadowing. The meteor showers in the background were a good idea, well executed. If you really are hoping to develop this into a novel, I'd have spent slightly more time on the setting...the textures and colours of their immediate surroundings. I had a good image of them, and of the sky outside, but not a lot else. It read a bit like a precise for an anime, with the visual details left to the cartoonist. But that's seriously a minor flaw.

The writing itself if generally very good, but a little rough in places. There are some repetitve word choices, and some sentences that are more complex than they need to be (something I'm sensitive to as I just spent quality time editing that sort of thing out of a story of my own). I think if you took one more pass through it, tried to get rid of some of the overly complex phrasing (another of my own sins), I'd have no room to complain.

Oh, one teeny tiny little thing. I don't know of a mountain chain called the Sierra Madras. Is it possible you meant the Sierra Madres? It won't bug most people, I'm really just curious myself.

G

Thank you very much for your critique. Embarassingly, it is Madres....those 2 a.m. typos will get you every time.
As for discription, you're right. I need to play a little more in my world than I do.

 

[lyricalcandy]

It is definately an intruiging start. Any comment I could make would be purely opinion based. The story is written in third person, but mainly from Katana's point of view. She is a very complex person in her thought pattern, but when it comes to the sexual moments her language becomes very simplistic. It may be meant to convey animal passion, which it sometimes does, but other moments it just doesn't seem to fit.

“I need to fuck. I need to feel you cum inside me, Hermie,” she said.

“We have to hurry,” he said weakly, his eyes showered in the blaze from outside.

“My pussy is hungry,” Katana purred, bending over in front of the scientist, her hands flush against the cool glass. From the distance, a boom erupted from the heavens, the glass shuddering slightly; sonic boom, the pieces of Cara’s Shower growing in size and intensity.

I'm not sure if its just me, but I found the contrast between "My pussy is hungry" and the description of the events outside to be grating to the point of distraction .... but as I said that is purely my opinion. Look over the dialogue, if you decide to take my little opinion with a grain of salt, I won't hold it against you!

Overall its a good start, one that sparks curiosity and arousal.

 

[Varian P]

Sir, or hey mister,

Off the bat your story cried out “I’m different!” Lovely, poetic image at the starting line.

Love the name of your protagonist, too—that wonderful combination of unique (or rare), lyrical, and mentally pronounceable.

Little typo:
The star fall became noticeable more intense

Your setup is nice—a prologue that doesn’t feel like you’re not yet in the story, waiting for it to begin.

Personally I felt that this came right out of nowhere:

In the shifting of light and shadow, Katana felt her sex grow moist. She pulled her legs to her breasts on the cushioned window seat, tucking her arms around her knees, feeling her lips splay apart and mash against the fabric of her jumpsuit. Holding the position, she rocked slightly, urging on her sexual appetite as the world around her waited to die.

and it was a bit jarring. I see that you’re trying to show that she is aroused in a strange situation because she’s been bred that way, but as a reader the lack of transition threw me off just a bit.

I found this line awkward:
Somewhere to the distant west, beyond where her own horizon line could glimpse

Love this:

Danapolis’ hips moved urgently, the doctor no longer acting demure or professional, but needy and animalistic. She drew that out of him, with each suck, each playful nip or massaging stroke of her tongue, Katana drove Danapolis further down a darkened tunnel of sexual pleasure.

I love the co-occurrence of their orgasms and the crash of the big meteor-which signals death and destruction, and, I dunno, I skipped every science class I could, but also, sometimes creates life?

I’m certainly intrigued, interested in reading more—a genetically engineered nympho sealed up for years with a bunch of scientists and others who she views as a big steel bin of sex toys? Sounds good to me!

I’ve been getting this a lot re: my writing, and I think it’s important so I’ll pass it along to you—I feel Katana is an interesting character, but so far she seems a little distant. I get some of her thoughts and feelings, but I want a little more depth and texture. When she’s seducing Hermes, does she think, “well, I’m fucking up his relationship with his wife, and gosh, I feel bad about that, but my hand just won’t do it, I need cock and I need it now or I’m going to be in real agony.” Does she not really care one way or another about the lives of those she’s going to live with, but only care about sexual satiation?

Your writing stands out, and I look forward to reading more.

Hope this was helpful!

-Varian

 

[cheesy80s]

Varian

Varian,

Thank you as well for such a lucid, constructive critique of the first chapter.

Much of what you pointed out I will definitely work into a second draft, although I tend to like to keep many of my characters ambiguous, revealing personality through dialogue and action rather than internal monologue.

Unfortunately, that can sometimes distance a reader.

In need of a transition, you are absolutely correct. I need to blend the two tones more seamless than simply hey, here's a girl watching the end of the world, and by the way, she's horny.

I'm confident that more of what Katana is about and her purpose will be revealed in forthcoming chapters.

 

[cheesy80s]

Thanks again everyone.


By the way, does anyone know if you can edit/revise stories already posted on the system?

 

[lyricalcandy]

Yup .... you submit it with the same name and - EDITED VERSION or some such thing in the title line. It will take a few days to get approved just like a regular submission, but once its done it will replace the old one but none of your votes or views will be lost. (I found that somewhere in the FAQs)

 

[cheesy80s]

Thanks