Ladies I need your help!

[Spenser41]

I have a special someone in my life and we are having some problems. She is very shy and has a hard time being sexual. She is not one to be very sensual and when it comes to sex, I am always the one to start things. She says I am the only man that has ever made her feel that sex is not dirty but loving and caring. She rarely comes on to me and when I try to be sexual to her and playful, sometimes she is very embarrassed by it, which makes me feel like I did something wrong, so I back off. She is also turned off by sexual words and says they are a turn off for her. So dirty talking is out. And another thing is that it seems the only way I can get her to climax is orally, which I do not mind, I love. But intercourse does nothing for her. She said it is for you, it does nothing for me. Most of the time when we do intercourse she just lays there, which makes it harder for me to climax. She has no problem with giving me oral, but she tires easy and said she is used to someone cumming fast when she does this and what is my problem. It takes me time to climax but to be honest, she really is not that very good at it and I am not about to tell her that and hurt her feelings, so I wind up helping her which she is on one point upset that she can not bring me off and another point glad that I am helping. And I am not talking about a LONG TIME either. She tires after 3 or 4 mins and starts to get frustrated. She also takes a long time to climax, but I keep at it until she does, which sometimes is as long as 15-20 mins. Yet I do not complain. She says she loves me and we get along great in all areas but this. So ladies, what can I do or say to help her in this area without hurting her feelings because I do not want to do that. Right now, I am taking care of myself more and more so we do not have these frustraing times about sex. Any suggestions? I did get some Better Sex videos to help us. The first time she saw them, she got turned on, the second time she saw them, she said it did nothing for her. So I am at my wits end on this. Ladies, can you help me?

 

[Hairgrip]

oh dear, sounds like you are trying really hard and not getting that far - which can lead to a load of frustration all on its own.

in the Uk we have 'relate' which means that couples (and singletons) can talk to someone about the issues that they are facing in their relationship. indeed one of the services available is psycho-sexual counselling.

it sounds like your partner is able to communicate with you, which is definately good! perhaps by establishing why she feels so negitavely about sex and sexual relations you'll be more able to address the issues she's facing.

good luck

Hx

 

[English Lady]

Well sweetie, i don't think i can offer you a quick fix to this. it sounds like your lady has some deep seated sex issues. I think it will take alot of understandoing on your behalf to help her wotrk through this.

I want to say well done for being so caring and dioing so much for her, including posting this plea for help. I think that shows you are truely devoted to her.


Ok all i can say is foreplay! sdo lots of foreplay stuff together, massages, kissing, cuddling etc and just take it slowly, try giving her oral but not till she climaxes THEN go for intercourse and see if that extra bit of build up helps. You need her to feel relaxed all you can do is be patient and sensitive and communicate.


As i say i think you're doing well, so well done. she's a lucky woman

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Dude! How much do you really like her? Cuz it sounds like you got nothing in common in the bedroom! Does she WANT to please you? She sounds kinda whiney and complainy. ewwww Short of a complete sexual overhaul I don't know what you can do???

 

[Hairgrip]

Dude! How much do you really like her? Cuz it sounds like you got nothing in common in the bedroom! Does she WANT to please you? She sounds kinda whiney and complainy. ewwww Short of a complete sexual overhaul I don't know what you can do???

harsh!
not every one mends easy... he likes her, he's prepared to try. that's got to show he likes her.
is sex the be all and end all????

Hx

 

[Spenser41]

Thanks for your comments. Let me say that I do not think she is negitive to sex. She enjoys it, but has a hard time of letting go.
She had been married before and the ex was a major pervert. She said he always made sex dirty to her. But with me it is different. So she is not negitive about sex but has a real problem in opening up to sex and being sexual.
I do alot of foreplay. And I give LOTS of massages when when there is no sex. Like the other night she came home from work dog tired and I greeted her at the door in silk boxers and massage oils and a mat on the floor and candles burning and I gave her a non sexual massage for over an hour. Full body, deep tissue kind of massage. She loved it and she gets lots of pampering from me. And I did try the oral and then intercourse but she does not enjoy it. She said it does nothing for her. (now it is not because she is big and I am small in size lol) she says she has never climaxed or gotten off to intercourse. I guess what I am trying to find out is how can I get her to feel more open, how can I get her to feel it is ok to be sexual. And yes this is VERY frustrating.

 

[Spenser41]

I don't like her, I love her. And yes I want this to work.
Her ex husband was a sexual pervert. He was into many women and other things including animals. After she found out about that she divorced him. She then jumped into another bad relationship with someone who was a drunk and abuser. So she stopped dating for awhile. She said I am the only caring man she has ever known. I am here for her, I am not just looking for hot sex and if she can not do it, dump her. I love her. So all those that want to tell me to dump her and move on, I will be ignoring your advice. That is not a choice for me.

 

[English Lady]

It's not going to just happen over night, kep doing what you're doing and she will become more and more comfortable.

have you tried different sexual positions? Maybe you need to find one that she really enjoys.


Maybe shes scared to be too sexual incase you turn out like her ex....i don't know but maybe thats it.

keep on pampering her, make her feel special, and let her know sex isn't the end all and be all.


good luck!

 

[Spenser41]

No she is not scared I will turn out to be her ex. That she knows for sure and has said so. I guess what I am looking for are women on here, who had a hard time expressing themselves sexually. Women who were shy about sex and being sexual. How did they come out of their shell and did their s/o or boyfriend or husband, how did they help you. How can I help her over come this. The last time she and I talked about this she said I know the problem is me, I just will have to try harder. So any ladies out there that had this problem and what did it take to help you get over this. And yes I am willing to take as long as it takes to make it better for both of us.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

I don't like her, I love her. And yes I want this to work.
Her ex husband was a sexual pervert. He was into many women and other things including animals. After she found out about that she divorced him. She then jumped into another bad relationship with someone who was a drunk and abuser. So she stopped dating for awhile. She said I am the only caring man she has ever known. I am here for her, I am not just looking for hot sex and if she can not do it, dump her. I love her. So all those that want to tell me to dump her and move on, I will be ignoring your advice. That is not a choice for me.

Spenser, I have to throw my hat in with English Lady and Hair grip. Both understand the dynamics of what it is you are dealing with and if you truly wish to overcome this; its going to take both time and patience to work. No one can say what exactly will be the key to unlock your SO's passions, but with your patience, I'm sure you shall find a woman who blossoms with your loving care.
Best wishes for your success Spenser!

-kym- choosing love and patience over a quick fuck, anytime!

 

[dollface007]

hmmmmm...

Hi Spenser,
Wow...i wish i had a boyfriend like you! you sound very caring and considerate!
I think there is something important that you need to know about women's bodies. Not all women can climax from penetration. In fact, i've read that most women cannot climax from intercourse without other simultanious stimulation (i.e., the clitoris). I am one of the lucky few who can, but i have to be REALLY REALLY REALLY turned on first!! If she climaxes from oral, that means there's a good chance she can orgasm if you or....even better...SHE stimulates her clitoris while you're inside her. Don't be disappointed if she doesn't...everyone's body reacts differently.
Another thing is, you can't possibly do all the work here. Definite props for taking the initiative for trying to please her and bring her out of her shell. However, she needs to take responsibility for her own sexuality. The Ex issues make me think that counseling (individual or couple) would be a very good idea. Also, does she masturbate? That's really the best way for a woman to find out what she does and doesn't like. Talk to her about what she does when she masturbates, what she thinks about, etc (she probably won't want to talk about it at first, so be patient). If she doesn't masturbate, she should start.
I hope hearing it from a woman's perspective helps.
Good luck, sweety!

 

[crazybbwgirl]

aww geesh - I didn't mean to be harsh! And I never said to dump her (now I feel bad) But it sounds like you've got a long row to hoe. I guess my point was is it worth it? And if you say 'yes' then god bless you! I DO think it would be easier if she WANTED to help out. I mean, if I just laid there during sex I wouldn't have that much fun either. It does take TWO people.

 

[Spenser41]

Yea I am 48 yrs old, so I do know something about the female body. And yea I know that a lot of women do not climax that way. We do use toys and yes she does masturbate but not often.
I never have asked her what she thinks about when she is doing it. I am very open and using toys does not bother me. Matter of fact, if me doing oral on her does not help her to cum, I will ask her if she wants to use her toys and she will say yes and I will use them or she will and I will play with her in other areas. I am a very giving lover and will do anything to please her. Yes I have talked to her about counseling and she does not want to go to one. She said she will work it out. I know this is going to take time and I have no problem with that. I am just wondering what else I can do to help her. But thank you all for your answers.

 

[Spenser41]

Crazy, I am very committed to her in every way and I guess the problem is, she does not know HOW to open up. She does not know HOW to help. This is the issue and the problem. According to her, she has had no problems with men wanting her. She is very pretty. She just has never been in a relationship like ours where it is not about using her for sex. LOL I am beginning to think this tread was a bad idea. OH well thanks for the posts.

 

[Guest]

 

[Spenser41]

Thanks EE. Your comments are always nice to hear.

 

[Valcorie]

she says she has never climaxed or gotten off to intercourse. I guess what I am trying to find out is how can I get her to feel more open, how can I get her to feel it is ok to be sexual. And yes this is VERY frustrating.

First, she is not alone. I have a very hard time climaxing from intercourse. As a matter of fact I generaly don't. However, some women are like that. I enjoy sex very much, and it doesn't make the sexual experiance any less meaningful. You may have to accept that she won't climax every time and it has nothing to do with your talent, size, ect... it doesn't mean that you shouldn't try, but don't blame yourself, or see it a failure.

Second, it can be a long...VERY LONG process to become sexualy comfortable with yourself. It is not going to happen over night. It sounds like you are commited to her, and growing sexualy together. Probably the best thing for you to do is exactly what you are doing. Don't pressure her for more than she feels comfortable to give or do. Sometimes the best way to help a women become more confident and comfortable with her sexuality is talking. Late at night with the lights out, cuddling up, and just talkign about sex. Whether it be sexual partner in the past, what you have liked/disliked, think is odd, what ever.

Good luck, I hope this helps!

valcorie

 

[CrowSingsOver]

A little help

The first thing you can try is set a date where you two have several hours alone together. Make it romantic with candles and soft music. Start in a place that's comfortable for her, though. It sounds like she's too used to guys forcing her by guilt or something else, to do things. Try asking her what she likes, but start with things like "Do you like it when I kiss you on the neck" or so on. Give her time to explore her own sexuality. Maybe buy her a book about women freeing themselves of sexual boundaries. Do things for her to prove that you won't push like others have. Also, try massage. She might really appreciate a nice foot or back rub. You can even look up yoni massage. Stop whenever she gets uncomfortable and let her know that it's okay for her to say what she feels. The main thing is to not push, or you may cause more damage than good. She might even be exhibiting the signs of sexual abuse, so be gentle and understanding. Let her work at her own pace. If you aren't willing, which you have the right to be, than move on. It's best for both of you.
About the blow jobs, if you two start with at least twenty minutes of forplay including kissing, cuddling, pillow talk, massage, and whatever comes to your imaginations, it might not take so long to get you going.

 

[CrowSingsOver]

interesting facts

did you know it takes a woman about 15 to 20 minutes to come to full climax, but only takes a man 3 to 5? Men go through a period called refractory, wich is sorta like a nice rest after orgasm, this is a good time between actual penetration, to just play and explore.

 

[Spenser41]

Thank you all for your imput. I have gotten some good advice and some even better advice in PM. I think some of you misunderstood what I was saying and it is not as if she is scared of me or sex. We have been together sexual for about 8 months and it is not like this is something new and she is scared of sex. As I said she is very pleased with what I do for her and she has told me that repeatedly. She has said I am the only man that has made her feel sexy and loved and wanted and desired and that is a major blessing for her. She is very well pleased with the sex I give to her. The problem is she has no idea what to do with me. She has no idea how to be sexual, or to be sexy. She is shy and timid. Intercourse is not her thing as I shared but the vibe while intercourse will be used next time we do it. I guess I really did not do a very good job in explaining the problems and the problem is she has no idea how to please me and she tries but she is shy and has no idea how to be sexual. I need to be able to bring her out of her shell and I got some great suggestions in PM. So, thank you all for your input and thank you for your interest to even post in my very first thread. It means alot that you cared to post. Thanks again.

 

[Bobmi357]

The problem is she has no idea what to do with me. She has no idea how to be sexual, or to be sexy. She is shy and timid.

Spenser.
I'm not a woman, so I can't give you a woman's perspective, but I will offer up a suggestion which you can try to make her feel a little more comfortable.

You'll need her to agree to this beforehand, but what I suggest is you set aside a weekend, on the first night, tell her you'll do anything she asks to please you, but only as long as she tells you what to do. In other words, put her in the director's chair for the evening, even if it means that you forgo the pleasure of orgasm for yourself.

On the next night, let yourself be in the directors chair, but instead of concentrating on her making you cum, concentrate on letting her just explore you. Sometimes people aren't really shy, they are just ignorant about what to do. Let her take the time to explore you, to see what makes you tick as it were.

I won't say this will solve all your problems, but your lady friend might be shy simply because she doesn't want to admit she's unsure of herself in a sexual situation.

I'd also recommend lots of talking outside of the bedroom in a non sexual situation. Explain to her how you're feeling, and make her understand that she's sending you mixed signals which are causing frustration and confusion.

Hope this helps.

 

[Spenser41]

Thanks for your comments. And I plan on discussing all of this with her. Thanks again