Ladies: Are you upset when your partner has to use porn to get aroused?

[naughtoldperv]

My wife of almost 20 yrs shows some insult/revulsion when I now need to watch porn to get myself going. We used to enjoy it together when our relationship was developing and I am now older and need that extra boost to get in the mood and she's approaching menopause . I lay some of the blame on her for not being as 'eager' 'adventurous' 'curious' or 'experimental' as she used to be and porn helps fill that void.
Anyone else experiencing the same and Ladies, do you get insulted when your partner watches porn as foreplay??

 

[Nezhul]

I'm not a lady, but I would be upset if my partner needed porn for that. If a partner needs porn to get aroused - that means he isn't aroused by me alone, which is obviously not a compliment.
Being eager and adventurous has nothing to do with it. He should be aroused by the most basic of vanilla, by a promise of a handjob. If he isn't - only means that I'm not sexy in his eyes.

That said, if you have a medical condition that screws up with your libido - then this changes things a bit.
But still, I would probably still be upset.

p.s. I'm a guy BTW, just placing myself in a hypothetical situation.

p.p.s. also I agree that situations are different and sometimes it's the wife's fault. But I would still be upset, you know. It's basically saying "I'm not turned on by you, but your pussy is better than my hand, so let me turn on some porn and masturbate using your body. Put a paper bag over your head while you're at it".

 

[occasional_lovers]

Has to means that otherwise he can't get aroused? I would worry.

 

[policywank]

I can certainly see where it could be an issue.

But I don't really believe in any absolute way that things "should" be or applying blame if they are not as expected. We are each unique as individuals and couples. There are any number of reasons why you may feel that you need to use porn to get aroused and they don't all point back to a defect in you, your wife or your relationship.

I think that the question merits exploration with open minds - open both as to why this is the case and to how best to address any concerns that might arise.

Personally I enjoy variety and I don't expect my husband to be otherwise. If hubby wants to look at porn or stop into a strip bar that is fine with me. There are situations in which I would view it as problematic but the fact of it is not automatically problematic.

Fantasy and escapism are not intrinsically bad. Enjoying that experience does not automatically imply dissatisfaction with reality or an inability to tell the difference. Porn is wildly unrealistic but not anymore so than the Fast and The Furious. Would your family and friends conclude that you are unsatisfied with your life and their role in it because you go to watch that movie.

I think it is unrealistic to assume that you and your partner should always be easily aroused by one another. Is your wife aroused by you the moment you walk in the door? Do you need to do anything to get her in the mood? If so, is she doing anything to get you in the mood? Is she doing everything possible to get you aroused and it isn't working or is she offended that you don't get immediately aroused because she shows up and makes herself available?

Too often the stereotype is that it is perfectly ok for a woman to need a lot of effort from her man to get "in the mood" but men should be ready to go any time they get the "green" light no matter what the past experiences have been. That is stereotypical tripe and has no place in a real grownup relationship.

The bottomline on feelings is that they are mostly involuntary. We talk about controlling our feelings but that is a misnomer. We can channel our emotions, reflect on circumstances or remove ourselves from situations.....but we can't really just choose to be happy or sad.....or horny.

If she doesn't make you horny that is a fact. Its not a choice. Getting mad at you for it makes no more sense than it does to be mad at you for not liking peas (assuming you actually gave them a chance).

If she and you want to improve the situation you need to accept it for what it is and talk about why it is that way without assumption or blame.

 

[Jada59]

If you mean that he would be unable to have sex with me without watching porn first then yeah, I wouldn't like it. Otherwise, I have no problems with porn. I even watch it!

 

[glBock]

My wife of almost 20 yrs shows some insult/revulsion when I now need to watch porn to get myself going. We used to enjoy it together when our relationship was developing and I am now older and need that extra boost to get in the mood and she's approaching menopause . I lay some of the blame on her for not being as 'eager' 'adventurous' 'curious' or 'experimental' as she used to be and porn helps fill that void.
Anyone else experiencing the same and Ladies, do you get insulted when your partner watches porn as foreplay??

hello fellow man getting older, and needing more than scolding from your wife!

I am taking the risk of the two learned people above, and Jada, ganging up on me for speaking my mind now. The way I see it, your wife is damned lucky for you to only watch porn and not seek the kind of sex you desire outside your marital bedroom.

To me you told us where the source of the problem is, the "root cause", so to speak. Your wife used to be adventurous, you say, watching porn with you, and other stuff, I gather. But now she figures she's got you in the bag, and that YOU should be serving her entertainment and attention, instead of her taking the trouble of sensing your difficulties associated with getting older.

Maybe it is time for you to tell her, that even little blue pills do not work, unless she becomes a bit more cooperative again. And if she refuses to understand that, perhaps consider visiting another woman with a more positive attitude towards sex and towards you. Or to go for virtual sex, totally without your wife.

Life is too short, I feel, to miss out on something that even people getting older can have together, in myriads of ways, if only BOTH are willing to expend a bit of effort.
.

 

[Asian_Flower]

Not at all, because I'm watching it with him.

 

[naughtoldperv]

Thanks for all the feedback so far. I'll try to add a little more details and address the issues raised. Yes I do have some issues with my libido, not helped by her lack of interest. Age 71, a few medical issues, but I do need my pipes cleaned occasionally to relieve the pressure [and she does too, but finds it hard to admit].
My flavor in porn is mostly dominated by what she used to enjoy and I often tell her while watching that I imagine her the one getting gangbanged by all the big cocks on screen. I even choose porn with her body type, long black hair, brown skin etc. and pretend that she is the one that I would love to see doing that.
I would never want to cover her face with a bag, as she is hot and beautiful, but just isn't into that at this point in our relationship.

Agree that she should be grateful that I'm doing it at home with her, rather than fucking strangers and hiding

And I've even bought dozens of sexy outfits, but she'll reluctantly wear them once, then back in the bag after doing the deed. Never washed and ready for our next time.

Well, hopefully she will get her libido back before I loose mine..............

 

[Jada59]

Thanks for all the feedback so far. I'll try to add a little more details and address the issues raised. Yes I do have some issues with my libido, not helped by her lack of interest. Age 71, a few medical issues, but I do need my pipes cleaned occasionally to relieve the pressure [and she does too, but finds it hard to admit].
My flavor in porn is mostly dominated by what she used to enjoy and I often tell her while watching that I imagine her the one getting gangbanged by all the big cocks on screen. I even choose porn with her body type, long black hair, brown skin etc. and pretend that she is the one that I would love to see doing that.
I would never want to cover her face with a bag, as she is hot and beautiful, but just isn't into that at this point in our relationship.

Agree that she should be grateful that I'm doing it at home with her, rather than fucking strangers and hiding

And I've even bought dozens of sexy outfits, but she'll reluctantly wear them once, then back in the bag after doing the deed. Never washed and ready for our next time.

Well, hopefully she will get her libido back before I loose mine..............

It's possible that her hormones are out of whack. That can cause lack of libido as can some medical conditions and even medications.

I'm not that old yet but I have female friends who are. Sadly, they have no desire for sex and can't understand why I would. Or why I would even want anything to do with men. But.. I think they've always been that way. Yes they were married. They wanted children. So they did have sex but they don't speak of that or their exes fondly.

It sounds to me like the bigger issue is your wife's lack of sex drive. You could watch porn until you're about to explode but if she's not a willing partner, then what?

Oh I KNOW what because after I got married, I discovered that my husband thought sex was disgusting. Tough row to hoe my friend. Hope you can work something out!

 

[ButtAnalMan]

Not at all, because I'm watching it with him.

Good but I like when I am inside her asshole when watching

 

[dannyboy1958]

mine hates me to watch porn, turns her off, not on and ive desparetly looked for a film or a way to try and turn her , but so far without success. Even the porn made for women such as faking it not feeling it, by petra joy, which is more erotic than pussy pounding with large and many appendages and also by the way stars the actor Mark Strong before he came very well known and also by the way he has a very large role in the film, if you know what i mean

 

[policywank]

Thanks for all the feedback so far. I'll try to add a little more details and address the issues raised. Yes I do have some issues with my libido, not helped by her lack of interest. Age 71, a few medical issues, but I do need my pipes cleaned occasionally to relieve the pressure [and she does too, but finds it hard to admit].
My flavor in porn is mostly dominated by what she used to enjoy and I often tell her while watching that I imagine her the one getting gangbanged by all the big cocks on screen. I even choose porn with her body type, long black hair, brown skin etc. and pretend that she is the one that I would love to see doing that.
I would never want to cover her face with a bag, as she is hot and beautiful, but just isn't into that at this point in our relationship.

Agree that she should be grateful that I'm doing it at home with her, rather than fucking strangers and hiding

And I've even bought dozens of sexy outfits, but she'll reluctantly wear them once, then back in the bag after doing the deed. Never washed and ready for our next time.

Well, hopefully she will get her libido back before I loose mine..............

Sounds more like she gets upset because your sexual desires or lack thereof are not aligned. That isn’t fair at. Seems like it happens a lot though. And it is this weird blind spot for women where we seem to feel perfectly comfortable being dismissive of male sexuality. Society has taught us that we control the sex and men want too much or have too many sinful thoughts so it is our prerogative to control it. We then define how much is too much based solely on our desire. I know it isn’t that simplistic but you get the idea.

A friend of mine went through hard times with her husband - long story but their sex life wasn’t good and he wanted more. After all the ups and downs it came down to a simple message from him. I want X. You don’t have to give me X. If you don’t I’ll have to decide what to do about it. But you don’t get to tell me that wanting X is wrong. You don’t get to decide what aspect of my sexuality is valid or not.

Translated to your situation. You may not have signed up for a man who gets off to porn but I didn’t sign up for a wife who doesn’t fuck me. Your view is not more valid than mine. It is your prerogative to not fuck me but it is not your prerogative to deem that I must deal with that by denying my own needs. You don’t get to set the rules of appropriate behaviour the vilify me or make me feel guilty for not complying. I explicitly reject that premise. Now with that said would you like to have a truly open-minded discussion about the situation?

I’m not saying that is easy to do. But it worked for my friend’s husband and ultimately worked for her. He had to get at that root issue and compel her to see his point of view. That started with refusing to accept the premise that the onus was on him to validate his point of view or that it was her prerogative to pass judgment.

I think we often rely on consensus to support those kind of closed views. He was pretty harsh about that. I don’t give a fuck what your mom, or girlfriends or the pope think. They have no standing in this conversation. It’s just you and me and no assumptions.

 

[ArtisticX]

Haha ridiculous