Kink

[lark sparrow]

Is your 'kink' a sexual orientation or a preference, and why?

What's the difference and how do you define the terms?

 

[Quint]

Although this is a very fine line, and thank you for bringing it up, I define myself largely by my sexuality. Furthermore, I cannot think of myself as a sexual being without including in that identity the fact that I am a submissive female. Hell, I think less about being bisexual than I do about being submissive.

I chose this term because it seems more definitive, and BDSM is certainly a crucial element in my identity. I could no more get in a (happy) relationship with a nilla partner than a completely straight male could get in a (happy) relationship with another male. It's too close to my core for it to be compromised.

'Zat what you were looking for?

 

[modest mouse]

This poll confuses me.

 

[Richard49]

To me the D/s is an oreintatin
because ............

It is what I enjoy to the point
that if I were not to have it
I would not have the relationship

 

[Netzach]

Orientation.

I have to have it. I have to have it so much I'd even bottom for it and be more fulfilled than vanilla-only, if that makes any sense.

It's a wide open category, but I can't not do any power or pain things in my sex life.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I do not have a kink. I have a lifestyle. In fact I have several lifestyles.

However, I am kinky.

 

[lark sparrow]

Thanks to those who have responded so far - it's very subjective material. I thought it would be interesting to see how the individuals of this 'community' view their kinkiness (I used kink to leave it as open and inclusive as possible) from the perspective of orientation vs. preference. This has a lot of different levels. Context is important. Is it about who we are vs. what we do? What we need vs. what we want vs. what we can satisfactorily live with (or what we can't live without)? How about hearing from some of you that have choosen it as a sexual preference for yourself and how you came to that distinction? (No right, wrong or better answers.)

We know BDSM can turn perspective on it's head through context. A man who would never hit a woman in a vanilla context, will spend hours "hitting" a woman in BDSM. A heterosexual man may have fantasies about being forced to suck another man's cock under his Mistress direction, though he wouldn't consider having a romantic/sexual relationship with another man on his own. A lesbian may like to play with men within the context of BDSM. What we normally think of as sexual orientation (gay, bi or straight) is sometimes overriden (or driven?) by our D/s preference or orientation. Quint touched on this by putting her submissive orientation above her bisexual orientation - it is a higher need. Netzach as well, in saying her need for pain and power in sex would even override her role as a Dominant - that she would sooner take a bottom or submissive role than vanilla. Richard will not have a relationship without D/s.

In breaking BDSM down, or in the making your own distinction: Do you think D/s is more of an orientation? Is B/D and S/M more of a preference or an orientation? Again, I know it's very subjective, and these are individual perspectives. Ebony mentioned having a lifestyle, which is another distinction and may fit into the separation between orientation and preference for some people. In the end I suppose they are labels and mutable, but it seems an interesting subject nonetheless (hopefully).

 

[Shadowsdream]

My lifestyle is My orientation. My Domination is the blood that roars through My veins It fills the air that I breath. It empowers Me and feeds Me with heat and desire.

 

[lark sparrow]

And it radiates in your words.

 

[Quint]

If possible, the follow up questions are even more thought-provoking! My goodness...

Strictly speaking, I'm not really a masochist. Well, not in the standard way. I derive satisfaction from pain, but it's really not even physical; it's certainly not equivalent to or translated into pleasure. So when I think of craving pain, it is because I crave T to dominate me to such a degree that he will hurt me in order to achieve what he wants. It's power, not sadism, in my mind. (And yes, it was incredibly hard distinguishing the difference!)

I could say sadomasochism is more of a preference than a lifestyle, if I kept it on a strictly physical basis. Certainly bondage would fall under "preference," and the physical aspect of discipline. The thing is that they aren't physical to me. They are direct expressions of his control over my body and my mind, and that is necessary. Orientations, all. Granted, I don't delight in bondage to the degree that I do in edge play...but I think that even strengthens my point.

Let me explain. If bondage were a preference, it would be just that: something I choose over other options. It's not. But what I derive out of it is something that is intrinsically me. Does that make any amount of sense? (Whew!)

 

[lektra]

An orientation for me, I think. Don't know why, just speaking from my gut (or possibly lower than my gut). I wouldn't describe it as a preference, it seems too kind of "take it or leave it" for what I feel.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

My kinks are games, nothing more. I like them, but I don't love them. I cannot be completely vanilla, but I am not married to my kinks, either.


lektra, you quote Heinlein...we are family.

 

[lektra]

lektra, you quote Heinlein...we are family.

Thanks John! I think so too!



Hugs!

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, I voted "Other".

BDSM is not an orientation for me. It is a preference, but the way it is stated above, it would seem that preference is something always desired. For me, it simply isn't something I need and have to have.

I enjoy aspects of BDSM, but, as Johnny stated, I'm not married to any of them. I can be happy with a vanilla relationship. After all, most men do harbor fantasies of kink more often than women do, so it is easier to ask for things from men, IMO.

Personally, I would rather have a partner who can be totally vanilla, with aspects of BDSM thrown in on occasion, over a partner who can only find satisfaction in BDSM. I would just feel like I would never get a "break", that I would always have to be "on". It's not a comfortable feeling for me. There are some nights when I want to leave the nipple clamps in the drawer and just feel his tongue. And then there are times when I want him to unexpectedly slap my ass or give my ass cheeks a firm bite. (Yeah, for those reading, my 'nilla partner has finally gotten to this point!)

I would say that, more often than not, I am submissive in the bedroom, and a lot of times even out of it. However, there are a majority of times that I enjoy being equals in the bedroom and simply sharing what feels good. I do understand that, to those who feel that BDSM is an orientation for them, BDSM is what feels good to them. That's great, but it's not me.

And actually, to answer your question, Lark, it took me a while to realize this. I liked certain things that were considered kinky, even perverted, and placed myself in one camp almost exclusively. However, after reading and talking and playing, I'm finding that the real me enjoys elements of bondage and domination and submission and discipline, but it's not all that I am sexually.

But I still do feel a fondness for those actively involved in the lifestyle to whatever degree, so I hope y'all will let me stick around.

 

[jon.hayworth]

I guess BDSM is a major part of sex. I love my S.O. but I could not sustain a 'nilla relationship. Without the games, no matter how "good the sex" in conventional terms something is missing. To be absolutely honest I have left those situations feeling less satisfied than I would have done having a wank and using my imagination.

My S.O. and I used to be married - I was attracted to this younger woman - great in bed but 'nilla. We lasted weeks, my S.O. had filed for divorce we were having our kind of sex before the decree arrived. Now we live happilly apart - ten miles apart - but are always spending time in one another's bedrooms. Neither of us can find anyone else into everything that we are both into - or maybe we just have not felt the need to look too hard.

jon

 

[ammre]

I marked preference. I Have 'nilla sex more often. I love the bsdm world and i love throwing it in in the bedroom and trying to throw it in with more than a blindfold and little spanking.. yanno a whip or spur or something extra and fun... The sad fact is that both the boyfriend and i are naturally more submissinve although we're good at switching if the other so desires.
But yeah... i wish i could be as deep in it to make it an orientation.. but i guess it's safe casue than i can still have 'nilla sex and not be disapointed.

(edited for spelling errors.. i'm trying to get better about 'em)

 

[Guest]

 

[A Desert Rose]

However, I am kinky.

Which is a very endearing quality, too. ;-)

 

[Ebonyfire]

Which is a very endearing quality, too. ;-)

It's a gift!

 

[A Desert Rose]

It's a gift!

One that you are always willing to share.

It is always great to see your posts, Eb. And I miss you when I am not here. ;-)

 

[lark sparrow]

This was on another thread, written by A Desert Rose regarding being a dominant man - "It's a personality type... not a choice one makes. It is not a lifestyle nor is it a hobbie. It is that which makes one person what he is inside."

This statement begins to touch upon how I define my orientations (lesbian and D/s). Preference has some of those qualities, but it does not seem to indicate the depth of need or desire.

I'm glad those who choose 'sexual preference' are speaking up, and sharing how they made the distinction. No grand thesis - just an inquiring mind. Everyone has orientations and preferences - BDSM related or not. Is BDSM an orientation or a preference? YES.

BDSM is interesting couched in terms of either sexual orientation or preference, in showing it's applicability to social issues - how relevant it is or is not here in this community, and in expressing the diversity that is 'kink' viewed through another lense.

 

[D's mariposa]

I had to go with other..

Because I have had nilla sex, sometimes with D. It was ok. Power Exchange sex seems more natural and comfortable to me. It's also LOTS more fun...

But outside the bedroom, submission is a personality trait, there for it becomes my lifestyle. I'm a service oriented person, a fixer. I am happiest when I'm making the world a little better for others. Or for one specific other..

 

[Richard49]

IMHO

in D/s enjoying nilla sex occasionally
does not make one less D or s

I can enjoy nilla
ocasinally

however that real CLIMAX
comes on a regular bases only through D/s
When i can see/feel her going into subspace
oh boy

I am having to decide now
weather to give up BDSM and ALL
intimte relationships
or
what

Not a fun place to be