Kicked out of therapy.

[human_male]

I need some perspective.

My doctor suggested I see a therapist because she knew I had some issues, and could use someone to talk to. It's not something I really wanted to do, though. I've seen one or two in the past and they're useless, they tend to just sit there making notes and don't really offer you anything useful. But I went along because she recommended a friend of hers and said she's really easy to talk to

So I go along to see this woman thinking it was going to be excruciating. It turns out she's absolutely wonderful. Not just as a therapist but just wonderful! She really got me to open up and I actually enjoy talking to her. Just wanting to see her, and looking forward to seeing her is an incentive in itself to carry on with the therapy.

The trouble is I started to develop feelings for her, rather quickly as well. After just two sessions I couldn't stop thinking about her. I convinced myself that she might feel something for me too, not romantically or anything, but something more than doctor/patient. She seemed to enjoy talking to me as well, and we have this great rapport and great eye contact. I started to wonder if eventually we might become friends and see each other socially after the therapy was finished. Silly in retrospect.

I made the mistake of admitting to her I was attracted to her (those are the words I used... "attracted to you") at the end of our last session. She didn't seem bothered or surprised. She thanked me for my honesty and said these things sometimes happen with men and women. But said she should discuss it with her supervisor in case it might have an impact on my therapy.

That was three weeks ago, and since then I have been regretting what I said to her and worrying that she might tell me that she could no longer see me because of that. Although I really didn't think that would actually happen, especially since she had to reschedule our last appointment because she was ill. I figured why go to the trouble of rescheduling if she didn't intend to see me again?

But the worst happened. She phoned on the morning of my appointment (Friday) and told me she would no longer be able to see me. "I don't think it would be in your best interest" blah blah blah. "These sorts of situations end up being detrimental to the patient's therapy" yadda yadda yadda. I was more than a little upset (though I managed to hold it together long enough to get through the conversation).

I tried to convince her that it wouldn't be a problem, that I was under no illusions that she shared my feelings or anything but she was adamant. She said she'd written a letter, and she'd talk to me again after I'd read it. I don't know what's in the letter but she seemed to think it was import for me to read it.

I asked it if it was her decision, and had I made her uncomfortable. She said it wasn't an issue of how she felt, but what was best for me. I'm ashamed to say this but during out last session my eye wandered a bit (she crossed her legs and was wearing a fairly short skirt) and I'm worried that she might have noticed this, and this is why she doesn't want to see me. I'm afraid this is what she might have written in this letter. If that's the case I'd be mortified.

If that's not the case then I'm confused about why she's done this, because she didn't seem bothered when I mentioned it to her. She said this sort of thing happens and I got the feeling it was probably quite common. I can't help but wonder if there's something she's not telling me.

So anyway, apart from just needing to get this out I need some perspective. Do you think this is for the best? Do you think it's to be expected that she has terminated the therapy because of what I said, or do you think that's an overreaction? Was I silly thinking we could be friends? I have heard therapists and patients can become quite close.

She told me I shouldn't feel like this is my fault in any way, but that's exactly how I feel. I feel like I finally had something positive in my life, and possibly something really great, and I blew it. Just like I've managed to blow all the relationships I've made through Lit. I've been told by people on here I'm my own worst enemy and I'm starting to see what they meant.

I feel rejected and somewhat cut adrift, and most of all I feel sad because I'll never see her again.

I'd appreciate anyone who can offer some insight or perspective.

Thanks.

 

[VFaulkon]

I think I can see where she's coming from. Not to say you should be beating yourself up - seriously, there's nothing in your story that suggests you should - but hear me out.

From your post, you said you have problems with relationships with other women. I can assume this was something you brought up with her during one of your sessions. Going from this, it's likely she assumed that, considering you had feelings for her, even if you consciously had a hold on them, you would unconsciously still hold that affection, which would in turn affect your sessions with her (what you would say, what you'd keep hidden, your willingness to agree or disagree with her, etc.). So, with that risk on the field, she probably figured you wouldn't be as totally honest as you need to be for this kind of thing and ended things.

I say this because, as a man who's a regular at the therapist's office, I can absolutely see myself doing the same thing. After all, taking that risk of disappointing someone like your therapist would make it that much harder to be open, and thus much harder to make any real progress. Besides, from your last sentence it sounds like she may be right - you cannot compare your romantic relationships with the doctor/patient relationship. Whatever you've been through with other Lit members, that has nothing to do with what happened with you and your now ex-therapist. The fact that you think that means you're taking what happened too much to heart.


Now, having said that, you shouldn't be too upset over this. This isn't a personal failure for you; as you've said, this is the first therapist you've been to that you were actually receptive towards, and in my own experience, that was such an emotionally freeing time. It's only natural that, during your first time, a mistake would be made.

The trick is reminding yourself of what kind of relationship you really have with your doctor. This goes for both male and female therapists - you aren't seeing a potential mate, you aren't good friends. While they may genuinely care about you and your feelings, this is their job, and if they're any kind of good at it, they have a sense of professional boundaries with their patients. That's something that took me a couple of years in therapy to fully grasp, but that was me learning the hard way.

The best thing I think you can do now is learn from this experience and, if you believe a good therapist can still help you, find another one. Preferably a male, if you're afraid history will repeat itself. Don't focus on the one mistake that you made before, but the good you did with her up until then. Also (and this one's probably obvious, but just to be safe) don't contact your old therapist again, not even for a recommendation for someone else. It's an awkward situation, but trust the old adage, 'Out of sight, out of mind.' Gotta start fresh, and so on.

If anything, keep this in mind - you did find a therapist you were willing to listen to and whom you believe helped you. That proves that, for you, they are out there. Keep poking around, try and find other good ones.

Not much else more I can say except good luck.

 

[silverwhisper]

i understand that it's not uncommon for patients to become attracted to their therapists. to be honest, i'm not sure you have any avenues available beyond asking her to refer you to a colleague, and ideally a male colleague to avoid being in this situation.

ed

 

[PertPerth]

Hi Human Male

My thinking is that your therapist didn't want to risk her career for someone who she's only had two sessions with. I'm not sure which country you're in, but in some places, there are strict laws on Doctor-patient (and teacher-student) relationships.
My only suggestion is not to take it to heart - she did the right thing and it had nothing to do with you. Find another therapist (perhaps a male?) there are lots of good ones out there.

 

[EmilyRoan]

I have heard it's common for patients to become attracted to their therapists. Assuming you are straight, why don't you try to find a male therapist? Then the potential for this problem can be eliminated.

 

[ms_sub_liminal]

as has been stated here, there are laws that prevent this kind of thing. why? because it is very common for feelings to develop. she could lose her license and credibility over a situation like this if she continued counseling you in a professional setting.

she's not just spewing lines when she says it's in your best interest though. think about it. when you like someone you alter your behavior to make them happy or try to impress them. if you're doing this (and you may not be doing it consciously it's just a natural human reaction) then you're not offering a clear representation of yourself. if she can't see who you are, she can't help you as a therapist.

i'd suggest calling your original doctor who recommended her and asking if she knew of anyone else, preferably male. i bet she could give you some names.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi HM

As others have said, therapists seeing patients socially is a legal minefield and she really would be risking her career if she did that. Although it may seem an over-reaction to you, her response has clearly been to stop seeing you pre-emptively - before things escalate and become a real problem. It's not uncommon, especially in the litigation happy times we live in.

I know you liked her and found her attractive and that your feelings for her were (kinda) honourable and not excessive but try to see things from her perspective. If we assume that she did see you checking her out, she has a patient on her hands who has verbally admitting to being attracted to her and who has also been checking her out. This would likely have made her feel vulnerable. It's not uncommon for patients to be attracted to therapists and because of that, therapists can find themselves with infatuated, obsessive patients, even stalkers. To be stalked by someone is scary enough but to be pursued like that by someone who has mental health issues must be doubly so.

Now, I'm not suggesting for one minute that you pose any threat whatsoever to this woman but I hope you can see what her fears must have been. She cannot know how deep your feelings for her run or what you might be capable of and so in the interest of her own safety, she has to assume the worst. Letting little things slide like inappropriate looks and flattering comments can give false hope to vulnerable patients who desperately want to be liked and desired in return. It's a minefield on both sides because to reject a patient is a blow to their self esteem and a setback in their treatment but to allow things to continue without knowing where that might lead is also risky.

I think you just have to put this behind you and move on. Trying to persuade her to continue seeing you will likely come across as further proof of your inappropriate attachment to her so I think the best thing to do at this stage is to accept her choice graciously and try not to have any hard feelings. A male therapist is probably a very good idea as it will keep you focused solely on the therapy rather than on forming friendships. Therapists are not there to be your friend any more than your GP is there to be your friend.

I'm sorry to hear you're disappointed about all this but hopefully you'll be able to talk just as openly with whoever you see next. As others have said, if you have no agenda beyond the therapy, your treatment will be more successful as a result.

 

[Derya]

Proven herself an excellent doctor

As uncomfortable as it may feel and disappointing to think of no further interaction with this therapist your description of what has transpired is some true testament to her professionalism as a provider. Crossing a line of attraction is not suitable to a therapy situation for all the reasons mentioned in the thread. Her kind, swift, honest response to you and how to move forward displays her commitment to her job and your care. Also lest you berate yourself further for "failing" or messing up as you put it, your comfort and honesty in expressing what you were feeling and where you were coming from is a plus to your participation in the effort of therapy...yes it has brought you to a frustrating place of finding how to start again with a new provider, but it is far better for your health and improvement to be candid and move forward. The feelings you developed and place you were coming to impacts the productiveness of your therapy and its success, flow even if you had not discussed it openly...all the better to your improved health and growth that you did honestly address it. It is not unusual to happen, it is not wise to continue though once that line is crossed, and it is would probably be best to seek a male therapist. The hurt and depth of emotional upset you feel at this therapy stopping as it connects to having feelings for her is indicative of why it needs to change/stop. If it feels this disconcerting to you at this point, how terribly difficult or hurtful to your progress/improved health could it be later into the patient/counselor roles.

 

[Cathleen]

HM, what she did shows her to be a professional and that it wasn't personal toward you. Good therapists know the boundaries and how to set/keep them. Ethically and professionally she did the right thing, therapeutically she did the best thing for you both. Therapists do not become social friends with their clients, at least professional therapists. The relationship between the two matters a great deal to both, if it is to be a helpful, rewarding and therapeutically sound experience.

I, too, would contact your doctor for another referral and chose a man. The point of therapy is to help you work through things, to have someone guide you, it should always remain a professional relationship. If not then it has the potential to be damaging.

It wasn't personal, and if you ever were to find yourself in the same kind of situation then YOU must end the therapy -- that is if you want to help yourself.

 

[human_male]

Hi. Thanks for the responses everyone. I wasn't sure I should post this but I'm glad I did. It's really helped me gain some perspective. I can see that I put her in a difficult situation and she had no choice to do what she did. I just hope I didn't make her uncomfortable in any way.

I'll tell her this when she contacts me again.

I don't think I'm going to see anyone else though. Really, all she did was take notes and ask questions just like the others. Although I enjoyed talking to her I can't really say it was helpful in any way.

I'll miss her, she was just so, so nice. But this is for the best.

Thanks again.

 

[mark_j]

Hi. Thanks for the responses everyone. I wasn't sure I should post this but I'm glad I did. It's really helped me gain some perspective. I can see that I put her in a difficult situation and she had no choice to do what she did. I just hope I didn't make her uncomfortable in any way.

I'll tell her this when she contacts me again.

I don't think I'm going to see anyone else though. Really, all she did was take notes and ask questions just like the others. Although I enjoyed talking to her I can't really say it was helpful in any way.

I'll miss her, she was just so, so nice. But this is for the best.

Thanks again.

Without sounding flippant or jaded I really don't find therapists to have much real use.. Sure having a live body to vent to and look at it from another viewpoint is better than talking to inanimate objects. But in the end you have to make the decision for whatever change concerning the issue you are dealing with.

My horse is probably my best therapist.

She doesn't care about my issues unless I take them out on her physically (which I'd never do).

Is always willing to listen while I talk even if she doesn't really understand.

Expresses her opinion without guile or deception.

Makes no demands on me except to feed her, groom her and bring her carrots.

 

[VFaulkon]

I don't think therapists are useless, per se. It's just that, with the kind of work they do, all the heavy lifting, so to speak, has to be done by the patient, not the doctor. All a therapist does is offer perspective, advice, and on occasion catch a problem that goes beyond what a simple shift in mindset can fix.

HM, it's quite possible you don't really need therapy. Maybe it's not for you, so if you feel it's not really helpful, best to save yourself the $150 an hour, eh?

As far as the relationship problem goes, it's possible you just haven't met the right kind of woman. I mean, from a certain point of view, 'being your own worst enemy' from a woman's perspective could just mean, 'you and I are not compatible, and you're not going to change, so that's it'. Or it could just be that the women you've met are shortsighted, don't know what to look for, not to mention the possibility of simple bitchery...

But enough amateur hour. I'd say, for you, it might be better to work on some honest self-reflection and see what you find. And again, good luck to you!

 

[PoeticMusings53]

So I go along to see this woman thinking it was going to be excruciating. It turns out she's absolutely wonderful. Not just as a therapist but just wonderful! She really got me to open up and I actually enjoy talking to her. Just wanting to see her, and looking forward to seeing her is an incentive in itself to carry on with the therapy.

The trouble is I started to develop feelings for her, rather quickly as well. After just two sessions I couldn't stop thinking about her. I convinced myself that she might feel something for me too, not romantically or anything, but something more than doctor/patient. She seemed to enjoy talking to me as well, and we have this great rapport and great eye contact. I started to wonder if eventually we might become friends and see each other socially after the therapy was finished. Silly in retrospect.

I made the mistake of admitting to her I was attracted to her (those are the words I used... "attracted to you") at the end of our last session. She didn't seem bothered or surprised. She thanked me for my honesty and said these things sometimes happen with men and women. But said she should discuss it with her supervisor in case it might have an impact on my therapy.

But the worst happened. She phoned on the morning of my appointment (Friday) and told me she would no longer be able to see me. "I don't think it would be in your best interest" blah blah blah. "These sorts of situations end up being detrimental to the patient's therapy" yadda yadda yadda. I was more than a little upset (though I managed to hold it together long enough to get through the conversation).

I tried to convince her that it wouldn't be a problem, that I was under no illusions that she shared my feelings or anything but she was adamant. She said she'd written a letter, and she'd talk to me again after I'd read it. I don't know what's in the letter but she seemed to think it was import for me to read it.

You seem to be taking this as if it were a breakup of a romantic relationship, which it clearly wasn't. You were either projecting either baggage from or longing for romantic relationships into an infatuation for the therapist. She was being nice to you and establishing rapport because that's what a therapist does in the early stages of therapy so that you can open up and talk about yourself.

You don't need to take this to heart, just find a new therapist, preferably one of the gender you aren't attracted to, and work out your issues there. Therapy can work, but dealing with a bunch of transference and counter-transference isn't really in your best interest as a patient.

 

[satindesire]

You know, I've been musing about this for the last few days and I really wanted to come in and say something real quick, but I really don't want you to feel like I'm coming down on you or being mean to you, because honestly I mean this without a stitch of attitude or snipe.

I think the problem was that you met a woman who was friendly and polite, and seemed interested in you. And because you have had so little experience with friendly and polite women in your past, you 'latched' onto her, so to speak, in a relationship-feelings way.

Maybe you don't know how to really talk to women, maybe you find yourself feeling incredibly awkward around women you're sexually attracted to, and so when a nice woman presents herself in a friendly way, you're just hooked, you know what I mean?

The thing is, in order to get comfortable around women, you have to absolutely put sex out of the picture. As in sexual attraction. For now, at least. Instead of going about your business and only trying to converse with women you want to sleep with, try making platonic friends with lots of different people, all kinds of people...women who are physically unattractive to you, men, young people, older people, from all walks of life!

Once you get your social 'sea legs' under you, talking to a sexually attractive woman won't feel so...daunting. You've spoken to and potentially made friends with...well, possibly -hundreds- of people, and she's honestly by that time no different in your eyes. Sure, she's sexy to you, but she's no longer that unattainable goal, she's...*shrugs* just another human being.

Therapy is a great idea, but you've got to start making a seriously heavy effort to get around a LOT of different people and just practice your conversation skills. Get comfortable around people, make socializing and talking normal and 'just another average day' to you. That way, the first nice girl that looks your way won't have you falling for them.

Let me again say that I in NO way am degrading you or putting you down. Shit, I was a LOT like you when I was younger, and I was so damn shy that even being in school surrounded by people just doing their own thing was enough to make me sweat. I had to literally -learn- how to think of people as just people and chip my way out of that shell I had.

I honestly know how you feel, and I'm really sorry you're going through this. But I promise you, if you truly want this, you will do it. In the end, Yoda was right. There is no try, there is do and do not.

Good luck sweetheart.

 

[rosco rathbone]

You should not have been with a female therapist.

 

[human_male]

Hi, and thanks again everyone.

I definitely think you're all correct, and PoeticMusings and Satindesire hit the nail on the head.

I was doomed to fall for the first attractive woman who showed me some attention. I took lots of little gestures and things she said and blew them way out of proportion. For example I was talking about short stories and poetry I used to write, and mentioned the only thing I've written in years was erotic fiction. She smiled and rather enthusiastically replied "Oh, tell me about that!" I didn't know what to make of that and so took it as some kind of interest other than strictly professional. And lots of other little things, just perfectly innocent things like her saying "It's nice to see you again." When I wrote that all out (in the first post on this subject I planned to post) I realised how silly I was being.

There's also the fact that she really is a very attractive, sweet, intelligent and compassionate woman, and that certainly didn't help.

But I'm feeling better now. She rang yesterday to see how I was doing. The first thing I did was appologise for getting emotional with her on Friday, and told her I realised she had no choice but to do what she'd done, and that I was sorry for putting her in that position and very sorry if I'd made her uncomfortable. She assured me I didn't need to appologise and that being honest with her and telling her that I was attracted to her was the best thing to do from the perspective of my therapy, so I shouldn't feel bad. But then she added "Although it was unsettling to hear."

That really put it in perspective and certainly crashed any illusions I had left. Now I feel more... embarrassed, and silly. I feel a bit like the high school kid who confesses his love to his teacher and she has to patiently explain that that's inappropriate and that she could never feel the same way. And not the hot, popular guy who just might have a shot with her, but the smelly, metal-head at the back that no one will talk to.

So anyway thanks to everyone for your comments and support and suggestions. You really came through for me.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

No worries...it happens to all of us. We're hard wired to misread signals from women, and a lot of women project raging bull dyke to strangers to ward off guys that are just looking for sex, so I can see how you'd misread "theaputically friendly" for "romantically interested" if you don't have a lot of interaction with women.

Also only crazy teachers would ever have sex with a student, and only *insane* therapists would have sex with patients.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi, and thanks again everyone.

I definitely think you're all correct, and PoeticMusings and Satindesire hit the nail on the head.

I was doomed to fall for the first attractive woman who showed me some attention. I took lots of little gestures and things she said and blew them way out of proportion. For example I was talking about short stories and poetry I used to write, and mentioned the only thing I've written in years was erotic fiction. She smiled and rather enthusiastically replied "Oh, tell me about that!" I didn't know what to make of that and so took it as some kind of interest other than strictly professional. And lots of other little things, just perfectly innocent things like her saying "It's nice to see you again." When I wrote that all out (in the first post on this subject I planned to post) I realised how silly I was being.

There's also the fact that she really is a very attractive, sweet, intelligent and compassionate woman, and that certainly didn't help.

But I'm feeling better now. She rang yesterday to see how I was doing. The first thing I did was appologise for getting emotional with her on Friday, and told her I realised she had no choice but to do what she'd done, and that I was sorry for putting her in that position and very sorry if I'd made her uncomfortable. She assured me I didn't need to appologise and that being honest with her and telling her that I was attracted to her was the best thing to do from the perspective of my therapy, so I shouldn't feel bad. But then she added "Although it was unsettling to hear."

That really put it in perspective and certainly crashed any illusions I had left. Now I feel more... embarrassed, and silly. I feel a bit like the high school kid who confesses his love to his teacher and she has to patiently explain that that's inappropriate and that she could never feel the same way. And not the hot, popular guy who just might have a shot with her, but the smelly, metal-head at the back that no one will talk to.

So anyway thanks to everyone for your comments and support and suggestions. You really came through for me.

I actually think that this is a really positive post. Everything you're expressing here demonstrates self knowledge and positive progress. I think you can be proud of the way you're coming through this so quickly, with no self loathing or doubt.

And for the record, smelly metal heads have as much right to happiness and self fulfilment as hot popular guys.

 

[silverwhisper]

i agree with velvet. human male, having seen some of your posts in the past, i think that there's been some personal growth through this experience. please don't be so quick to rule out the value of therapy in the future? :>

and don't feel embarrassed: everyone's been telling you that this happens, right?

ed

 

[Cockyfox]

You know what? I think I needed to read this thread. It seems crushes aren't just for teenagers.

 

[silverwhisper]

nice to see you again, CF. :>

ed