Keg Party at the College of Cardinals

[shereads]

May 2055

I still can't believe Pope Steve IV is dead. It's so sad! My roommate dated him a couple of times when he was an archibishop and she's devastated. I didn't think he was that cute, but at least he wasn't stuck up like Steve III.

Canceling spring break has cast a pall over the whole Vatican. Some of the seniors are getting a keg party together. I'm not sure it's appropriate, but it's our last chance to party before the secret meeting. (I heard we can't even take our phones!)

I hope Cardinal Rick is there tonight. I think he's straight, or maybe bi. He definitely likes me.

Rick would make a great Pope. If I get drunk enough, I might offer to nominate him.

 

[shereads]

This is a writing challenge. Consider it a penalty for those who didn't participate in "The Night J. Edgar Hoover Raided the Authors' Hangout," and a bonus round for those who did.

It's 2005 and the College of Cardinals has been called back early from Spring Break to choose a new Pope. Before the serious business of the secret meeting and election, you're invited to a keg party.

Let your hair down. Leave your sceptre back at the dorm. Like they say in 'Vegas, "What happens here, stays here."

If anyone has "A Whiter Shade of Pale" on CD, please bring it.

 

[NoJo]

You could have just said "bump" like everybody else

 

[Guest]

Who will be the new pope? is the question people wonder. The authority in the Vatcan is already moving by stating John Paul "Great", "Saint", etc. The usual hyperbole.

John Paul killed millions of Africans by AIDS.

John Paul taught women are shits.

John Paul had blood on his hands.

John Paul went down Hell.

Negro papa, Chink papa, Spick papa, or whatever. Not gonna happen.

John Paul lived too long so that the power that be had been mostly selected by John Paul.

At least, he won't be American papa. You betya.

 

[shereads]

Nevermind.

 

[Samandiriel]

Who will be the new pope? is the question people wonder. The authority in the Vatcan is already moving by stating John Paul "Great", "Saint", etc. The usual hyperbole.

John Paul killed millions of Africans by AIDS.

John Paul taught women are shits.

John Paul had blood on his hands.

John Paul went down Hell.

Negro papa, Chink papa, Spick papa, or whatever. Not gonna happen.

John Paul lived too long so that the power that be had been mostly selected by John Paul.

At least, he won't be American papa. You betya.

Now there's a breath of fresh air.

I think Cardinal Guido would make a better Pope, he makes kick ass Lasagna.

 

[Couture]

Now there's a breath of fresh air.

I think Cardinal Guido would make a better Pope, he makes kick ass Lasagna.

"So it has been decided. The one with the largest pontiff shall win. Cardinal Ezekiel will measure."

"Ahem.."

"Yes, there is a question in the back. Yes, all members shall be measured from the top in centimeters. Anyone else?"

 

[Samandiriel]

"So it has been decided. The one with the largest pontiff shall win. Cardinal Ezekiel will measure."

"Ahem.."

"Yes, there is a question in the back. Yes, all members shall be measured from the top in centimeters. Anyone else?"

Is that with or without hats?

 

[shereads]

Here's a scary thought: hazing at the college of cardinals.

 

[shereads]

On this morning's news, I saw the Cardinals in a procession of some kind and for a moment, I didn't connect their universally grim expressions with the pope's death. I thought about all those decades of celibacy and/or failed attempts at celibacy. Not to mention the ever-present threat that some former choir boy will have an epiphany while talking to his shrink.

Which raises another issue: Do Pope candidates have to certify that they've never, um, faltered? With anyone, or just underaged boys? Maybe that's why the meeting is top secret.

 

[Guest]

glory be to the father
and to the son
and to the holy keg....

 

[carsonshepherd]

Bless me Father.... for I just farted.

 

[SensualCealy]

Oh Father, is that your ceptar or are you just happy to see me?
How about Cardinal Mohammid, wouldnt that have them shitting in their seats!
Falafels with napkin crowns for everyone!
Okay Im going to stop before I get too far ahead!
C

 

[dr_mabeuse]

ToGA! ToGA! ToGA!

Oop! I mean ChasuBLE! ChasuBLE! ChasuBLE!

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

I have heard that the Vatican Press Corps learns who has been chosen by the College of Cardinal’s to be their next pope, merely by ascertaining the smell of their farts.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

I wonder if they'll have underaged boys at the party for entertainment purposes. Then they can indoctrinate a whole new generation of leadership in the art of covering for pedophiles.

 

[shereads]

I wonder if they'll have underaged boys at the party for entertainment purposes. Then they can indoctrinate a whole new generation of leadership in the art of covering for pedophiles.

Pedophile covering. Maybe that's what those tall hats do.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

Pedophile covering. Maybe that's what those tall hats do.

No, the hat is a distraction. They want you to become so impressed with the hat that you don't notice that they've been harboring pedophiles for the past few centuries

 

[shereads]

No, the hat is a distraction. They want you to become so impressed with the hat that you don't notice that they've been harboring pedophiles for the past few centuries

That's a bit cynical, isn't it? A fascinating hat doesn't necessarily have some dark purpose.

And what's all this about pedophiles?

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Pedagogue – paedophile; it's a perfectly justifiable misunderstanding, even amongst the infallible.

 

[Guest]

Islamic anti-semitism = Catholic self-punishment.

Boom!

 

[Erlikkhan]

99 9 year old boys on the wall
99 9 year old boys
take one down and pass him around
98 9 year old boys on the wall

 

[Wildcard Ky]

And what's all this about pedophiles?

?? Priests sexually abusing boys. Archdioses (sp?) finds out about it, quietly re-assigns priest to another parish. Priest winds up molesting boys in that parish, gets re-assigned again.

Surely you've heard about all of this, and all of the coverups over the last few years.