Just three paragraphs

[TheWritingGroup]

I'm wondering what people think of this excerpt. Note that I am not asking you to rewrite or fix it, just for a reaction.

That husky, deep voice in her ear. "Congratulations, Ro." The warmth of the sweet breath on her cheek, the hair brushing her face were intoxicating. She inhaled deeply, holding on and enjoying the sheer sensuality of it. Inanna's back was broad and flat, and she could feel muscles under the skin. Arms were on her own back, squeezing her into those round, soft squishable tits that were tantalizingly just low enough to not press on her face, but very much close enough for their unique scent to tingle in her nose.

After a few seconds, Inanna leaned back a little, sliding her hands around to Ro's shoulders. She squirmed, the fingertips trailing over her forcing out a giggle.

"Oh, you're ticklish! That's … that could be very fun, if you don't mind tickling." Inanna's smile was big enough to change her whole face.

(How many other English words end in "rpt"?)

 

[TheRedChamber]

It's probably fine, good even, in the context of a story. It's a little difficult to parse on its own because you don't know quite what's going on - lesbian but with a husky and much taller partner. Basically the sensuality of the language was getting in the way of my figuring out what was going on.

I'm confused by the idea of (non-lactating) breasts having their own unique smell, but maybe I just never noticed.

 

[ElectricBlue]

The first paragraph reads to me as a disjointed collection of phrases, many of which seem to be truncated. I think it's trying to do too much.

The second paragraph seems to shift "she" and "her" from one woman to the other, it's not clear to me who is squirming.

 

[SimonDoom]

The pronouns are too unclear for my taste. As EB says, it's not clear enough to me when "her" or "she" is Ro or Inana. And this leads me to wonder, why not just use simple declarative subject-verb sentences where it's totally clear who is doing what to whom? At least one time each, use the first names of the two women as subjects in sentences so it's much clearer.

In the first paragraph, what does "it" refer to?

 

[NotWise]

I enjoyed it -- more on the second reading than on the first. "Squishable" seemed a little out of place to me, but to each their own.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I was actually worried about the confusing pronouns.

Thanks.

 

[NotWise]

I was actually worried about the confusing pronouns.

Thanks.

I took "it" to mean "the experience" without thinking twice.

 

[qidniz]

(How many other English words end in "rpt"?)

The only one I can think of is absorption, but it doesn't end with rpt.

 

[SimonDoom]

I took "it" to mean "the experience" without thinking twice.

But the phrase "the experience" doesn't appear in this passage. The pronoun has no clear antecedent. It's inexact. Which experience? What does "the experience" consist of? The word "to" also should follow "holding on," because presumably "holding on to" along with "enjoying" both correspond to "the sheer sensuality of [whatever]. Unless, that is, OP literally means Ro is holding on to Inana, which could be implied from the next sentence but is not clear from what precedes "holding." I would replace "it" with something like "Inana's presence" if this more or less captures what OP is trying to say.

It would be cleared up a bit by replacing the fragment that starts the passage with a complete sentence, like "Inana's deep, husky voice was in Ro's ear." I think reversing husky and deep would comport more with normal adjective order.

Just my two cents, but I find the passage confusing as written.

 

[Britva415]

The only one I can think of is absorption, but it doesn't end with rpt.

Well the root of that word is absorpt, so

 

[AG31]

I like the disjointed sentence structure at the beginning, for what it's worth. The "smile that was big enough" doesn't quite work, but I think the description you're aiming for is worth some effort. I was taken with the sensuality of the paragraphs and didn't notice the pronoun issue until I read other comments.

Worth refining! If you make changes, can you share with us?

 

[SimonDoom]

Well the root of that word is absorpt, so

The sources I found said "absorpt" is archaic. Another archaic word that meets the challenge is "decerpt." But I can't recall ever seeing either of these words in print, so I think the OP is correct that "excerpt" is the only still valid word that matches the criteria.

 

[Bazzle]

my personal thoughts are "that could be very fun" sounds weak.

"that could be very exciting"
"that could be very enticing"
"the fun could be exciting"

Its just something my <10 year old might say "that could be very fun"?

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I like the disjointed sentence structure at the beginning, for what it's worth. The "smile that was big enough" doesn't quite work, but I think the description you're aiming for is worth some effort. I was taken with the sensuality of the paragraphs and didn't notice the pronoun issue until I read other comments.

Worth refining! If you make changes, can you share with us?

As I'm sure you mostly figured, this is first draft and unedited.

The disjointed part is Rowena, the protagonist, being disconcerted and overwhelmed. She has literally been masturbating while fantasizing about Inanna for weeks, and she's very insecure. She never really believed Inanna could desire her, and now they're on a date and Inanna clearly wanted to do a full-body embrace and she's never done a sexy hug with a woman before and she's not sure what to do and the fantasies are still there in her head ...

And she's on the spectrum, so being overwhelmed with sensory impressions is a very real thing.

 

[Duil2]

As I'm sure you mostly figured, this is first draft and unedited.

The disjointed part is Rowena, the protagonist, being disconcerted and overwhelmed. She has literally been masturbating while fantasizing about Inanna for weeks, and she's very insecure. She never really believed Inanna could desire her, and now they're on a date and Inanna clearly wanted to do a full-body embrace and she's never done a sexy hug with a woman before and she's not sure what to do and the fantasies are still there in her head ...

And she's on the spectrum, so being overwhelmed with sensory impressions is a very real thing.

You've got lots here to think about as you edit but it's certainly a good base. Would also love to see it when you're done.

 

[JGittes]

You were specific in not asking for fixes or rewrites with your initial posting, but now that you've explained a little more, I feel I can add something to the conversation.

I've been reading a lot of explicit lesbian romance novels lately, along the lines of Alaina Erdell, Clare Lydon, and Harper Bliss. Yes, they're formulaic, but that makes it easier to see the authorial choices. One thing they all do is to firmly establish any distinguishing physical characteristics of the characters before they have sex, so that when they have sex, they're able to concentrate fully on the emotional impacts.

For example, I have a full picture of the young, leather-clad, motorcycle-riding, muscular, kickboxing, surgical doctor Margo, and of a decade-older, sophisticated, haute-couture-wearing but softer, professional Clare before they enter the bedroom. Once in the bedroom, or in the hallway leading to it, it's easy to follow the emotional twists and turns as anticipation and expectations are met, overturned, re-established, and fulfilled, because I already understand what they're bringing into the bedroom.

I'm specifically saying that I felt your initial draft tried to combine too many aspects of the character's physical description, the logistics of their interaction, and the revelation of their feelings about their relationship all at once. As everyone else is saying, I agree that you have very good material and should continue working with it.

 

[BeechLeaf]

Anything between two people of the same sex faces the pronoun problem. The excerpt starts with sensations, auditory and tactile. To make sense of it we have to assume it's all reported from one person's perspective. Given this, it's almost all clear: Ro could feel muscles, and arms were on Ro's back.

In the next paragraph, Inanna is the first subject, so the next sentence 'She squirmed' requires momentary thought. We go with the above assumption. 'She' must still be Ro, who is reacting to hands around her shoulders. But this is slightly less clear than in the first paragraph.

Actually that wasn't my main reaction to it. It was wondering what genre this is: I've never seen Inanna as a human name, so is this the Sumerian goddess in the present day? She was known for enjoying a bit of nookie. I'm sure context would clear that up.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

You were specific in not asking for fixes or rewrites with your initial posting, but now that you've explained a little more, I feel I can add something to the conversation.

I've been reading a lot of explicit lesbian romance novels lately, along the lines of Alaina Erdell, Clare Lydon, and Harper Bliss. Yes, they're formulaic, but that makes it easier to see the authorial choices. One thing they all do is to firmly establish any distinguishing physical characteristics of the characters before they have sex, so that when they have sex, they're able to concentrate fully on the emotional impacts.

For example, I have a full picture of the young, leather-clad, motorcycle-riding, muscular, kickboxing, surgical doctor Margo, and of a decade-older, sophisticated, haute-couture-wearing but softer, professional Clare before they enter the bedroom. Once in the bedroom, or in the hallway leading to it, it's easy to follow the emotional twists and turns as anticipation and expectations are met, overturned, re-established, and fulfilled, because I already understand what they're bringing into the bedroom.

I'm specifically saying that I felt your initial draft tried to combine too many aspects of the character's physical description, the logistics of their interaction, and the revelation of their feelings about their relationship all at once. As everyone else is saying, I agree that you have very good material and should continue working with it.

Um, those aren't the first three paragraphs of the story. They appear on page 32 in my word processor. I promise, if they're reading, the audience knows what Inanna and Rowena look like. They also know that while Ro doesn't fetishize tall women, she is very turned on by the idea of height difference (because of another couple of supporting characters in the story, who are married and of very different heights and very sexy).

Yes, page 32. It's a slow, slow burn.

 

[JGittes]

Um, those aren't the first three paragraphs of the story. They appear on page 32 in my word processor. I promise, if they're reading, the audience knows what Inanna and Rowena look like. They also know that while Ro doesn't fetishize tall women, she is very turned on by the idea of height difference (because of another couple of supporting characters in the story, who are married and of very different heights and very sexy).

Yes, page 32. It's a slow, slow burn.

They weren't the first three paragraphs of your story, but they were the first three paragraphs you asked us to read and comment on.

 

[Britva415]

The sources I found said "absorpt" is archaic

Huh, maybe I'll look into it. I didn't experpt there to be any sourptces at all, having pullrpt it out my arptse.