Just three paragraphs

[TheWritingGroup]

I'm wondering what people think of this excerpt. Note that I am not asking you to rewrite or fix it, just for a reaction.

That husky, deep voice in her ear. "Congratulations, Ro." The warmth of the sweet breath on her cheek, the hair brushing her face were intoxicating. She inhaled deeply, holding on and enjoying the sheer sensuality of it. Inanna's back was broad and flat, and she could feel muscles under the skin. Arms were on her own back, squeezing her into those round, soft squishable tits that were tantalizingly just low enough to not press on her face, but very much close enough for their unique scent to tingle in her nose.

After a few seconds, Inanna leaned back a little, sliding her hands around to Ro's shoulders. She squirmed, the fingertips trailing over her forcing out a giggle.

"Oh, you're ticklish! That's … that could be very fun, if you don't mind tickling." Inanna's smile was big enough to change her whole face.

(How many other English words end in "rpt"?)

 

[TheRedChamber]

It's probably fine, good even, in the context of a story. It's a little difficult to parse on its own because you don't know quite what's going on - lesbian but with a husky and much taller partner. Basically the sensuality of the language was getting in the way of my figuring out what was going on.

I'm confused by the idea of (non-lactating) breasts having their own unique smell, but maybe I just never noticed.

 

[ElectricBlue]

The first paragraph reads to me as a disjointed collection of phrases, many of which seem to be truncated. I think it's trying to do too much.

The second paragraph seems to shift "she" and "her" from one woman to the other, it's not clear to me who is squirming.

 

[SimonDoom]

The pronouns are too unclear for my taste. As EB says, it's not clear enough to me when "her" or "she" is Ro or Inana. And this leads me to wonder, why not just use simple declarative subject-verb sentences where it's totally clear who is doing what to whom? At least one time each, use the first names of the two women as subjects in sentences so it's much clearer.

In the first paragraph, what does "it" refer to?

 

[NotWise]

I enjoyed it -- more on the second reading than on the first. "Squishable" seemed a little out of place to me, but to each their own.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I was actually worried about the confusing pronouns.

Thanks.

 

[NotWise]

I was actually worried about the confusing pronouns.

Thanks.

I took "it" to mean "the experience" without thinking twice.

 

[qidniz]

(How many other English words end in "rpt"?)

The only word I can think of is absorption, but it doesn't end with rpt.

 

[SimonDoom]

I took "it" to mean "the experience" without thinking twice.

But the phrase "the experience" doesn't appear in this passage. The pronoun has no clear antecedent. It's inexact. Which experience? What does "the experience" consist of? The word "to" also should follow "holding on," because presumably "holding on to" along with "enjoying" both correspond to "the sheer sensuality of [whatever]. Unless, that is, OP literally means Ro is holding on to Inana, which could be implied from the next sentence but is not clear from what precedes "holding." I would replace "it" with something like "Inana's presence" if this more or less captures what OP is trying to say.

It would be cleared up a bit by replacing the fragment that starts the passage with a complete sentence, like "Inana's deep, husky voice was in Ro's ear." I think reversing husky and deep would comport more with normal adjective order.

Just my two cents, but I find the passage confusing as written.

 

[Britva415]

The only one I can think of is absorption, but it doesn't end with rpt.

Well the root of that word is absorpt, so

 

[AG31]

I like the disjointed sentence structure at the beginning, for what it's worth. The "smile that was big enough" doesn't quite work, but I think the description you're aiming for is worth some effort. I was taken with the sensuality of the paragraphs and didn't notice the pronoun issue until I read other comments.

Worth refining! If you make changes, can you share with us?

 

[SimonDoom]

Well the root of that word is absorpt, so

The sources I found said "absorpt" is archaic. Another archaic word that meets the challenge is "decerpt." But I can't recall ever seeing either of these words in print, so I think the OP is correct that "excerpt" is the only still valid word that matches the criteria.

 

[Bazzle]

my personal thoughts are "that could be very fun" sounds weak.

"that could be very exciting"
"that could be very enticing"
"the fun could be exciting"

Its just something my <10 year old might say "that could be very fun"?

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I like the disjointed sentence structure at the beginning, for what it's worth. The "smile that was big enough" doesn't quite work, but I think the description you're aiming for is worth some effort. I was taken with the sensuality of the paragraphs and didn't notice the pronoun issue until I read other comments.

Worth refining! If you make changes, can you share with us?

As I'm sure you mostly figured, this is first draft and unedited.

The disjointed part is Rowena, the protagonist, being disconcerted and overwhelmed. She has literally been masturbating while fantasizing about Inanna for weeks, and she's very insecure. She never really believed Inanna could desire her, and now they're on a date and Inanna clearly wanted to do a full-body embrace and she's never done a sexy hug with a woman before and she's not sure what to do and the fantasies are still there in her head ...

And she's on the spectrum, so being overwhelmed with sensory impressions is a very real thing.

 

[Duil2]

As I'm sure you mostly figured, this is first draft and unedited.

The disjointed part is Rowena, the protagonist, being disconcerted and overwhelmed. She has literally been masturbating while fantasizing about Inanna for weeks, and she's very insecure. She never really believed Inanna could desire her, and now they're on a date and Inanna clearly wanted to do a full-body embrace and she's never done a sexy hug with a woman before and she's not sure what to do and the fantasies are still there in her head ...

And she's on the spectrum, so being overwhelmed with sensory impressions is a very real thing.

You've got lots here to think about as you edit but it's certainly a good base. Would also love to see it when you're done.

 

[JGittes]

You were specific in not asking for fixes or rewrites with your initial posting, but now that you've explained a little more, I feel I can add something to the conversation.

I've been reading a lot of explicit lesbian romance novels lately, along the lines of Alaina Erdell, Clare Lydon, and Harper Bliss. Yes, they're formulaic, but that makes it easier to see the authorial choices. One thing they all do is to firmly establish any distinguishing physical characteristics of the characters before they have sex, so that when they have sex, they're able to concentrate fully on the emotional impacts.

For example, I have a full picture of the young, leather-clad, motorcycle-riding, muscular, kickboxing, surgical doctor Margo, and of a decade-older, sophisticated, haute-couture-wearing but softer, professional Clare before they enter the bedroom. Once in the bedroom, or in the hallway leading to it, it's easy to follow the emotional twists and turns as anticipation and expectations are met, overturned, re-established, and fulfilled, because I already understand what they're bringing into the bedroom.

I'm specifically saying that I felt your initial draft tried to combine too many aspects of the character's physical description, the logistics of their interaction, and the revelation of their feelings about their relationship all at once. As everyone else is saying, I agree that you have very good material and should continue working with it.

 

[BeechLeaf]

Anything between two people of the same sex faces the pronoun problem. The excerpt starts with sensations, auditory and tactile. To make sense of it we have to assume it's all reported from one person's perspective. Given this, it's almost all clear: Ro could feel muscles, and arms were on Ro's back.

In the next paragraph, Inanna is the first subject, so the next sentence 'She squirmed' requires momentary thought. We go with the above assumption. 'She' must still be Ro, who is reacting to hands around her shoulders. But this is slightly less clear than in the first paragraph.

Actually that wasn't my main reaction to it. It was wondering what genre this is: I've never seen Inanna as a human name, so is this the Sumerian goddess in the present day? She was known for enjoying a bit of nookie. I'm sure context would clear that up.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

You were specific in not asking for fixes or rewrites with your initial posting, but now that you've explained a little more, I feel I can add something to the conversation.

I've been reading a lot of explicit lesbian romance novels lately, along the lines of Alaina Erdell, Clare Lydon, and Harper Bliss. Yes, they're formulaic, but that makes it easier to see the authorial choices. One thing they all do is to firmly establish any distinguishing physical characteristics of the characters before they have sex, so that when they have sex, they're able to concentrate fully on the emotional impacts.

For example, I have a full picture of the young, leather-clad, motorcycle-riding, muscular, kickboxing, surgical doctor Margo, and of a decade-older, sophisticated, haute-couture-wearing but softer, professional Clare before they enter the bedroom. Once in the bedroom, or in the hallway leading to it, it's easy to follow the emotional twists and turns as anticipation and expectations are met, overturned, re-established, and fulfilled, because I already understand what they're bringing into the bedroom.

I'm specifically saying that I felt your initial draft tried to combine too many aspects of the character's physical description, the logistics of their interaction, and the revelation of their feelings about their relationship all at once. As everyone else is saying, I agree that you have very good material and should continue working with it.

Um, those aren't the first three paragraphs of the story. They appear on page 32 in my word processor. I promise, if they're reading, the audience knows what Inanna and Rowena look like. They also know that while Ro doesn't fetishize tall women, she is very turned on by the idea of height difference (because of another couple of supporting characters in the story, who are married and of very different heights and very sexy).

Yes, page 32. It's a slow, slow burn.

 

[JGittes]

Um, those aren't the first three paragraphs of the story. They appear on page 32 in my word processor. I promise, if they're reading, the audience knows what Inanna and Rowena look like. They also know that while Ro doesn't fetishize tall women, she is very turned on by the idea of height difference (because of another couple of supporting characters in the story, who are married and of very different heights and very sexy).

Yes, page 32. It's a slow, slow burn.

They weren't the first three paragraphs of your story, but they were the first three paragraphs you asked us to read and comment on.

 

[Britva415]

The sources I found said "absorpt" is archaic

Huh, maybe I'll look into it. I didn't experpt there to be any sourptces at all, having pullrpt it out my arptse.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Different WIP, a heroic fantasy. These are quite long paragraphs, but since it isn't part of the same story (and it's a very tiny fraction of "Beast") I think it doesn't violate any rules.

The official residence of the Heir to the Realm of the Islands (also called "The Russet Archipelago" or just "the Archipelago") was enormous. It was one entire (small) wing of the royal palace. Just the Heir's bedchamber was as big as some houses, ten paces by twenty. Avidia hated it.

The roof was arched, and the ceiling decorated with a mural of the sky by the great artist Dellange during her grandfather's reign. Every two years or so, servants had to build elaborate scaffolding to get up and clean it, because the room was lit by whale-oil lamps and smoke would rise and foul the painting, especially in the winter. The big room with its wall tapestries and high domed ceiling swallowed sound in a strange way, or made it bounce back at your ears as if you were shouting into a cave. All that space was impossible to heat properly, despite two fireplaces. She was always either warmly dressed or under a blanket when she was in her own bedroom except at high summer, and she always slept with the curtains around her huge bed closed. She missed her old quarters. Back when Avidia was third in line to the throne, her bedchamber had been only twice the size of her actual bed. It was cozy and didn't have a gods-cursed echo whenever she took a step!

The mural was fun, though. Dellange had painted the sky as you might see it if the roof was taken off the building, but filled with creatures of legend. The heroic archer and hunter Neyeth, the man who tamed the first horse, Erishi, the winged servants of the gods flitting about, and behind them all the Sky Father smiling down at the viewer, his form only visible if you studied the positions of the stars and clouds. There were jokes there, too. The star said to be the home of the Jackal (whose name is secret), who stole fire for humanity and was marked by the god of Fire to make it harder for him to sneak, wasn't painted. It was a glued-together mass of tiny red, blue, and yellow crystals attached to the ceiling, so that at night the flickering lamplight would make it seem to be on fire. It had been very surprising the first time Avidia lay down in her new bed and saw the star Fornos blazing in the painted sky!

 

[Actingup]

Dear WG, since you’ve kindly directed us here from that other thread, please allow me to make two suggestions:

1) there are online resources designed to help people cheat at word games. Hypothetically, one could use such a resource to explore the ‘words ending in xxx’ question without moral hazard,

2) I humbly submit that the most likely cause of those delightful breasts having a unique smell would be an externally applied perfume, which is something known to history and could be either sensual or gross depending on the skill and discernment used. A less savoury cause might be that she’s been wearing a synthetic bra or something and some fungal things have been happening, but let’s not go there.

I trust that this is helpful. I now return to watch the feeding of @PennyThompson

With warm regards, etc.

 

[Actingup]

Different WIP, a heroic fantasy. These are quite long paragraphs, but since it isn't part of the same story (and it's a very tiny fraction of "Beast") I think it doesn't violate any rules.

I love this. My only suggestion is that, logically, some of the star crystals will break off every time the ceiling is cleaned. So you have a choice between writing about the gradual dimming of the star, or the refreshment and rebrightening if it’s also replenished by artisans during the clean.

 

[StillStunned]

A couple of comments, limiting myself to the first paragraph.

The official residence of the Heir to the Realm of the Islands (also called "The Russet Archipelago" or just "the Archipelago")

This makes it sound like an essay, not fiction. I'd call it "the Russet Archipelago", then you can drop "Russet" when the name comes up again, and use "Realm of the Islands" for formal speeches and so on.

was enormous. It was

"Was" is odd. It makes it seem as if the official residence was built specifically for that purpose, and added on to the palace. A different verb like "made up" or "covered" would convey more of a separation between function and object.

one entire (small) wing of the royal palace.

"Small" diminishes the impact of the size you're trying to convey. If you really want to include that it's not the biggest wing, it might be better to add a new sentence along the lines of "Not the largest wing, perhaps, but still more than ample."

Just the Heir's bedchamber was as big as some houses, ten paces by twenty.

While "big" and "large" mean the same thing, "large" seems bigger because an "AH" sound is longer and rounder than an "I" sound.

Edit: also, "some houses" lacks context if you're establishing a fantasy setting. What kind of houses? Presumably Avidia (who hasn't been introduced yet) is the Heir, so what houses has she seen outside the Royal Palace? Has she only visited the residences of nobles, or does she regularly take rides in her coach through the artisans' quarter of town? This would be a great opportunity to add a little detail about your world, but if you don't want to go off on a tangent here you could say something like "larger than the quarters where all the wing's servants lived". I'd also add something about it being high, which is implied in the next paragraph but not stated explicitly, and it really belongs with this bit of description.

Avidia hated it.

Personally I'd chop this off the end of the first paragraph and put it by itself. (I also had to look twice, because one of my recurring characters is called Avilia.)

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Personally I'd chop this off the end of the first paragraph and put it by itself. (I also had to look twice, because one of my recurring characters is called Avilia.)

I promise, I didn't copy your character. She's called that as a joke. As you figured out, but I feel better saying it.

In this setting, all the main culture's female names are things like "Flavinia."

Thanks for the thoughtful comments.