Just Really Need To Vent....so lonely.

[tenchikoi]

Maybe someone can relate in some way. I (37 F) am married to my (38 M) husband for nearly two years now. Though we've been together nearly 3 years. We love each other very much, have many common interests and enjoy being around each other.

Problem is, our sex life is no where near satisfying to me. Over time, I've discovered several reasons for this. His medications (no they can't be changed. Looked into that already), his catholic upbringing, hentai addiction, premature ejaculation, lack of experience and laziness.

I know he's got a crap fest of issues going on that make sex nearly impossible for him. So I just started taking care of my own needs with toys, which offended him. But he just wouldn't even try. I'd lay there getting myself ready, him not even touching me and he'd just get in/out fast as he could.

It just feels so empty and unsatisfying to me. I want real intimacy with my husband and never knew how very lonely I could feel while being married. He doesn't like to kiss because he says he feels awkward. He's hesitant to touch me because he says he doesn't know what to do. I've shown him several times how I like to be touched by touching him on his body.

But he has sensory issues so every time I touch him he says it tickles and he doesn't like it. I feel at a loss with this situation. Last night, we tried to watch some hentai together, but I'm really not into cartoon porn. I'd rather watch porn with real people, which he doesn't like. I guess I'm just out of ideas to try.

I love him dearly so being unfaithful in any form is absolutely out of the question. I wouldn't mind some advice or maybe someone can direct me to some tutorials that could help him. I have plenty of experience myself but wouldn't mind watching something helpful too. Thanks if you actually got through this mess. It does help to just unload sometimes.

 

[tenchikoi]

Let me start by saying that I am sorry for your marital unhappiness, at least sexually speaking. I wonder how the rest of your relationship is? Sometimes the sexual tension is the result of other issues. I applaud your commitment to your husband. You are doing the right thing by not looking outside of your marriage. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. Be very careful in chatting, etc. That said, have you considered counseling? I would suggest that you seek out a competent and recommended counselor. Feel free to PM me if you have questions. I am deeply in love with my wife and will not try to get you to stray, however.

Thanks for replying. I'd suggest counseling to him if he weren't so offended by it and far too proud to speak of such a private matter with a stranger. He's Asian (which matters) since it's a no-no to talk about his feelings due to cultural conditioning. I would be going alone. :/

 

[fire_breeze]

Maybe someone can relate in some way. I (37 F) am married to my (38 M) husband for nearly two years now. Though we've been together nearly 3 years. We love each other very much, have many common interests and enjoy being around each other.

Problem is, our sex life is no where near satisfying to me. Over time, I've discovered several reasons for this. His medications (no they can't be changed. Looked into that already), his catholic upbringing, hentai addiction, premature ejaculation, lack of experience and laziness.

I know he's got a crap fest of issues going on that make sex nearly impossible for him. So I just started taking care of my own needs with toys, which offended him. But he just wouldn't even try. I'd lay there getting myself ready, him not even touching me and he'd just get in/out fast as he could.

It just feels so empty and unsatisfying to me. I want real intimacy with my husband and never knew how very lonely I could feel while being married. He doesn't like to kiss because he says he feels awkward. He's hesitant to touch me because he says he doesn't know what to do. I've shown him several times how I like to be touched by touching him on his body.

But he has sensory issues so every time I touch him he says it tickles and he doesn't like it. I feel at a loss with this situation. Last night, we tried to watch some hentai together, but I'm really not into cartoon porn. I'd rather watch porn with real people, which he doesn't like. I guess I'm just out of ideas to try.

I love him dearly so being unfaithful in any form is absolutely out of the question. I wouldn't mind some advice or maybe someone can direct me to some tutorials that could help him. I have plenty of experience myself but wouldn't mind watching something helpful too. Thanks if you actually got through this mess. It does help to just unload sometimes.

Stress does very very strange things to your body. Trust me on that. Stress also makes you seek escape from everyday life, probably his hentai fascination His stress may be such that it manifests in what can be perceived as not being able to perform sexually. Doctors were not lying when they say that stress is a killer: it kills your appreciation for life, for living, and it can also physically slowly kill you. Not fun.

If you want to counter the religious aspect, you can point it out that it is a Catholic teaching that sex within marriage is not only okay (and no, not only for procreation) but is actually good and is a marital duty that a husband and wife please each other in the bedroom. People focus on sex for procreation when in reality the couple should be open that with each sexual act, procreation can happen and if it does, let it happen. Yup. You heard right. Sex is desired within marriage, according to the Vatican. It's to foster intimacy and strengthen the bonds between wife and husband. And this is not new, either. It's been doctrine since 1215. Here is the boiled down version, although if you want the official version, I can give you that too.

Instead of just laying there, or just touching him how you want to be touched, tell him. Many men - oh hell, many women too - are dense. Being subtle does not always work, and it's not fair to him to expect to read your mind. You want to be touched a certain way? A simple, "Baby, that feels so good... could you please rub harder?" Or "lick me lower" or whatever. In other words, tell and show him specifically what it is about him that turns you on. As him how you can please him in bed. In other words, get talking.

SweetErika always said that most problems in the bedroom is a symptom of what is happening outside of it. I would suggest that you two sit down and have an honest conversation about how the lack of intimacy makes you feel. Do not accuse, do not judge, just be considerate and honest. You both deserve the best in the marriage, but without communication, it will not happen.

I would also suggest that if his stress issues are to the point that he is neglecting important aspects of his life, that he sees his doctor and even get therapy (CBT comes to mind) to learn techniques in handling it before it negatively impacts his health.

Good luck

 

[tenchikoi]

Stress does very very strange things to your body. Trust me on that. Stress also makes you seek escape from everyday life, probably his hentai fascination His stress may be such that it manifests in what can be perceived as not being able to perform sexually. Doctors were not lying when they say that stress is a killer: it kills your appreciation for life, for living, and it can also physically slowly kill you. Not fun.

If you want to counter the religious aspect, you can point it out that it is a Catholic teaching that sex within marriage is not only okay (and no, not only for procreation) but is actually good and is a marital duty that a husband and wife please each other in the bedroom. People focus on sex for procreation when in reality the couple should be open that with each sexual act, procreation can happen and if it does, let it happen. Yup. You heard right. Sex is desired within marriage, according to the Vatican. It's to foster intimacy and strengthen the bonds between wife and husband. And this is not new, either. It's been doctrine since 1215. Here is the boiled down version, although if you want the official version, I can give you that too.

Instead of just laying there, or just touching him how you want to be touched, tell him. Many men - oh hell, many women too - are dense. Being subtle does not always work, and it's not fair to him to expect to read your mind. You want to be touched a certain way? A simple, "Baby, that feels so good... could you please rub harder?" Or "lick me lower" or whatever. In other words, tell and show him specifically what it is about him that turns you on. As him how you can please him in bed. In other words, get talking.

SweetErika always said that most problems in the bedroom is a symptom of what is happening outside of it. I would suggest that you two sit down and have an honest conversation about how the lack of intimacy makes you feel. Do not accuse, do not judge, just be considerate and honest. You both deserve the best in the marriage, but without communication, it will not happen.

I would also suggest that if his stress issues are to the point that he is neglecting important aspects of his life, that he sees his doctor and even get therapy (CBT comes to mind) to learn techniques in handling it before it negatively impacts his health.

Good luck

We've had 'the talk' several times already and it always ends up with him being offended and feeling attacked no matter how non-confrontational I phrase it. His communication/social skills aren't stellar, though he has improved with time and more life experience. I've shown/told him exactly what I like several times. Though it seems he forgets what I told him the next time. He isn't stressed, he just wants to take the easy way. Which is why he watches the hentai and masturbates himself sometimes. He says it's easier and there's pressure to please anyone but himself. It's an ongoing problem we're working on.

 

[tenchikoi]

Excellent advise from Firebreeze. Ditto's on everything. I will add that sometimes your best approach may be to focus on improving yourself. This is not a criticism of you, since I know nothing about you. However, in most relationships the only person you can change is yourself. We can all improve somewhere. I hope this makes sense without offending you.

It's cool, I do understand. That's why I've taken up some old hobbies I used to enjoy to distract myself. I've also started on my extensive reading list I've been neglecting while trying to work through our issues. There's lots of things I'm doing just for me. I'll become awesome, and hopefully he'll want to come along for the ride.

 

[seth6138]

I'm not a person but give advice. But, I hope you find a solution to your issues

 

[tenchikoi]

I'm not a person but give advice. But, I hope you find a solution to your issues

Thank you. I hope so true. I'll keep trying.

 

[SigShooter]

I understand where Tenchikoi is coming from.
Some partners just will not open up for whatever reason. It seems no matter how important it is to understand what turns them on, it always seems to end in a "It's just the way I am" reply.

It really hurts when you feel like you are compatible on most other areas but when it comes to intimacy...you begin to realize you not on the same page because you are in another book, in another library, in another country, in another language.

It's must be really frustrating!!

 

[silverwhisper]

tenchikoi, maybe part of the solution is attacking the hentai addiction. and honestly, i think you should be offended that he's getting offended. i mean, if he'd rather get off looking at pictures rather than a living, breathing woman that he married and thinks that's actually OK, he needs a trout to the face.

and as an asian male, i have never had problems telling my sexual partners what does or doesn't work for me. but i also take ownership of my part of that problem and get off my fucking ass to fix it.

ed

 

[simplegirl]

Uh, maybe I'm missing something here, but he thinks it's ok to watch hentai and masturbate yet it's offensive if you masturbate with toys?

Actually I'm being reminded of an entirely separate thing. Could he be addicted to hentai? Many men get addicted to watching porn (or in his case hentai). The problem is, that they watch so much of it it actually warps the brain and their expectations of what sex is supposed to be in a loving relationship. Porn is all wham bam, no foreplay, no emphasis on pleasing the woman, etc... His approach to sex sounds very much like this. (many wind up turning to prostitutes, because they have that type of experience). His reluctance or offence at talking about it sounds like he sees nothing wrong, nor does he think he needs to (nor wants to) change anything. So when you mention it, he gets ticked off. It's the fastest way to shut you down. I think his religion or whatnot is a poor excuse for making you feel undesired.

Best of luck.

As for councelling, maybe a sexologist would help? But you can't help someone who doesn't want to change, so he's got to do his part.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Seems to me that a guy with a hentai habit has already managed to move past his Catholic upbringing, so I'm not sure I'd be cutting him much slack for that explanation. But if there really is a religious component there, well, priests are supposed to provide marriage counselling as part of their job.

In my book "too embarrassed to talk about serious relationship issues" is likely to be a fatal problem if not addressed. Love and physical attraction can sustain a relationship for a few years, but after that you really need the ability to do maintenance work.

 

[Ask For More]

I was just reading this and getting flashbacks to an old relationship of mine that was a reverse situation. My girlfriend of the time was quite similar to your husband - sensory issues stopped us from having sex, and eventually we drifted apart due to lack of intimacy. We did try and revive our sex life but failed miserably.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but eventually I ended our relationship because I know she would never be able to approach her issues in the way I wanted her to. Considering I was very close to proposing to her when the problems started, it was very hard to walk away. I tried for two years to keep our relationship alive, but the lack of sex ultimately destroyed it.

Good luck and I hope you have a better outcome than I did.

 

[FGB]

I was just reading this and getting flashbacks to an old relationship of mine that was a reverse situation. My girlfriend of the time was quite similar to your husband - sensory issues stopped us from having sex, and eventually we drifted apart due to lack of intimacy. We did try and revive our sex life but failed miserably.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but eventually I ended our relationship because I know she would never be able to approach her issues in the way I wanted her to. Considering I was very close to proposing to her when the problems started, it was very hard to walk away. I tried for two years to keep our relationship alive, but the lack of sex ultimately destroyed it.

Good luck and I hope you have a better outcome than I did.

WORD!

Don't wait ten or fifteen years hoping for the NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. People tend to be who they really are in time, you are just coming to know his ways.

It rarely gets better...don't do this to yourself.

Either get the hell out or force him into accepting that YOU are going to get your needs met somewhere else. And that is more than he deserves!

 

[cca_man]

We've had 'the talk' several times already and it always ends up with him being offended and feeling attacked no matter how non-confrontational I phrase it. His communication/social skills aren't stellar, though he has improved with time and more life experience. I've shown/told him exactly what I like several times. Though it seems he forgets what I told him the next time. He isn't stressed, he just wants to take the easy way. Which is why he watches the hentai and masturbates himself sometimes. He says it's easier and there's pressure to please anyone but himself. It's an ongoing problem we're working on.

So, let me get this straight--he has no interest in pleasing you whatsoever? For me, that doesn't compute. Hell, that's most of the fun!

Allow me to pose this question--you say you've been married 2 years now. Was any of this evident prior to you two getting married?

 

[Belle_Nuit]

But he has sensory issues so every time I touch him he says it tickles and he doesn't like it.

In regards to the sensory issues - have you ever considered trying something like Sensate Focus? It works to help build trust and intimacy, and it would give you both an opportunity to explore what sorts of sensations feel good, and what doesn't.

Here's a resource: http://counselling-matters.org.uk/sites/counselling-matters/files/SensateFocus.pdf

 

[SweetErika]

So, let me get this straight--he has no interest in pleasing you whatsoever? For me, that doesn't compute. Hell, that's most of the fun!

Allow me to pose this question--you say you've been married 2 years now. Was any of this evident prior to you two getting married?

It was evident: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=819067

Tenchikoi, I'm sorry for your situation, especially since you've been dealing with it for several years now. What made you decide to marry this man, knowing he was this way well beforehand? Did you expect him to change, or that your sexual differences wouldn't be such a huge deal in time?

At this point, it sounds like you two are at an impasse since he's refusing communication and counseling on the topic. You may love each other deeply and be the best of friends, but it's entirely possible that there's no good compromise to be had here. Is having a healthy sex life a dealbreaker for you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life in your current situation? Will you be happy 5, 10, 30 years down the road if it stays the same? Romantically, what's keeping you in the relationship?

 

[STRC]

Tenchikoi, do you think that if you look at all his issues but is into hentai......with no real time and interest in taking care of you or to even talk about it without getting defensive, is he possibly seeing someone on the side.....Just saying!

 

[handysr]

WORD!

Don't wait ten or fifteen years hoping for the NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. People tend to be who they really are in time, you are just coming to know his ways.

It rarely gets better...don't do this to yourself.

Either get the hell out or force him into accepting that YOU are going to get your needs met somewhere else. And that is more than he deserves!

OP, I'm sure there isn't much that the people here can say that you haven't tried to tell him in person. I feel your pain, and hope it works out for you before it goes on too much longer.

A couple of things that I don't recall seeing (maybe I'm blind though):

1. Even though you would probably feel used, why not asking him to involve your body while he's watching he cartoons getting their groove on.

2. Try a new situation outside of the bedroom. Try to pleasure him while in the far reaches of the parking lot at a local mall. Maybe wearing a loose shirt to see if he likes your exhibition, or if he's a voyeur.

3. While out at a bar or restaurant, invite another person (either gender) to talk with you, and ask him how he would like to involve a 3rd or 4th person in bed (this may be a *BAD* idea in the long run).

4. Send him a link to a Lit story you think he may find interesting.

5. Candles in a dark room, a silk scarf connecting wrists to a headboard, and a ball gag.

 

[Heatseekher]

From the brief overview that you provided i'd assume one of a few things:

His meds and PE have contributed to making him self conscious about an ability to perform? Which perhaps over time has become ingrained.

Or he cannot see the point of showing interest/being interested in pleasing you, because ultimately pleasing you would lead to greater rewards for him.

His Hentai addiction( not sure if you used that word) is unhealthy. Porn can be a prop for a number of men, but in others it can lead to a massive degree of disinterest and dysfunction.

How to move forward? I'm not entirely sure.
Not sure what the form and content of 'those chats' have been, but i guess at the very least a conversation to enquire why the heck he prefers watching animated trash to lying at your side watching you, interacting with you. as well as calling him out on the clear double standards of Hentai being fine for him but toys are a no no for you.

one small tip, to avoid direct confrontation or to avoid him being made to feel awkward( although FFS seems he deserves it)...you could always use the 3rd party 'blame'......'i was reading in x magazine' - 'the girls were talking about'.....coupled with 'sounds like fun, how about we try....

think you asked about dvd's/tutorials? ( maybe i'm wrong)....but can't see how those are any less offensive than suggesting a counsellor? if he would watch a dvd, why not get him to sit through some mainstream porn? Think Nina Hartley had a series of 'how to's' - can't recall what they covered though.

good luck.....

 

[Bramblethorn]

think you asked about dvd's/tutorials? ( maybe i'm wrong)....but can't see how those are any less offensive than suggesting a counsellor? if he would watch a dvd, why not get him to sit through some mainstream porn? Think Nina Hartley had a series of 'how to's' - can't recall what they covered though.

good luck.....

Her "How To Make Love To A Woman" is excellent.

 

[MsAmative]

I am a bit late with this, but from my perspective there is one thing that hasn't been touched on. There is certainly room for him to try or make an effort and such but no one has focused on something you have brought up in at least two posts.

Pressure to perform. First you mentioned the premature ejaculation, for most men this is stressful. There is that feeling of failure, especially if he knows you aren't satisfied. You also mentioned that he stated that he felt attacked when you brought some of it up. So much of that feeds into each other.

My partner and really struggled for a while at one point. He was rather inexperienced, and size wise I was tight and he was big. After a while he was struggling to put in the effort sometimes (how it felt for me) to make it work. I felt like he didn't care sometimes, and he would bring up how difficult I was. Talking about it helped and hurt us in some ways, I felt more pressure to not be so difficult and he felt something similar. Things got worse for us before they got better. If you want to talk more about that you are welcome to PM me.

I am not saying that it is your only problem! But he may be defensive because he is insecure or overwhelmed. This could be why he hates the toys (they do what he cannot) and likes what he does. Orgasming alone doesn't have the same stress and perhaps the cartoon nature is less harmful (not real people..in his own.) We are complex creatures, everything tends to play in to each other even when we may not realize it.