Just arrived

[The Moog]

And I've posted my first ever story. I'm still a bit nervous about it, so any positive comments would definitely be welcome, as would constructive criticism!

It's here , and is in the erotic couplings section. It's called 'Scarlet Temptation' and is about fantasising about doing the deed at a rather posh party, then seizing the moment.

Hope I've done this right. Sorry if I haven't!

 

[BlackShanglan]

Dear Moog,

I have read your story and quite enjoyed it. You have a lovely grasp of the language, fluent and intelligent without being showy or distracting. I liked the plot, as well; perhaps I have had a surfeit of oddities lately, but it was pleasantly refreshing to read about two people already evidently in a relationship getting delightfully hot and bothered over each other. There are plenty of good, sensual details, and a warm narrative voice carries them nicely. I confess that I normally dislike second-person stories, but this one is good enough to overcome my resistance.

There are a few areas where the lovely polish of your style is a touch uneven. Here is one paragraph that snagged me at the end:

You’re thinking of me. I knew you would be. I made sure of it when I let you see that I wasn’t wearing any underwear under this dress. A pair of lacy hold-up stockings and that’s everything. You could take me at any time you wanted, touch me intimately right here and now if you chose and you’re thinking of doing it all the time. This very polite and well-mannered gathering would die of shock if they knew our secret and that just fuels our fire.

I was very much enjoying the description of the characters making eye contact and thinking about this delicious, naughty secret. However, I found that last line just a bit ... perhaps smug? Perhaps I simply have a higher than usual resistance to people who think that they are being shocking Or perhaps I am less easily shocked than most. It just seemed a touch overstated.

I can feel every glorious inch of you through your tux.

Thank heavens *someone* in the world knows how to describe an erect cock in an enticing fashion. Thank you!

(Sorry, that's been the recent topic of much ranting on my part.)

You tangle your hand in my hair, and kiss me with abandon once more. My hands are already on your jacket, pulling it off your shoulders and then attacking your tie and shirt. I need to feel you: skin on skin. I can’t breathe without you.

I feel the zipper on my dress descending, and without warning the whole thing pools to the floor around my feet.

Lovely description both of the actions and of the sensations and emotions stirred by them. The feeling of frantic desire comes through nicely.

I won't quote everything I like from this story - there would be far too much! I highly recommend it. It's difficult (from my point of view) to create a thoroughly satisfying work that is this brief, but you have done very well indeed. There's a lovely sense of connection between the speaker and her partner, an emotional depth implied in a few swift but sure strokes that give us a great setting for somee hot animal lust. The sense of frantic desire and hungry, eager consummation carries through powerfully. I am delighted to hear that this is your first story - I hope we shall see more of the same!

Shanglan

 

[Rainbow Skin]

There is nothing to say. It is simply perfect: there's not a word missing or too many or out of place. You build it up and control it at exactly the right pace; all the description and feelings are totally realistic.

Such as the man's climax being a stiffening and jerking: a rare and acute observation in these fantasy worlds of jets and ropes.

As with a Japanese temple, a solitary flaw is required to avert the jealousy of the gods. You speed up, pounding faster I cry aloud, -- seems to be missing something, a full stop or 'as' after 'faster'.

Congratulations and I hope we see more.

 

[eric shawn listo]

wonderful story!!

My dear, you have no reason to be nervous about your first submission. Even though I tend to skip "You" stories. (sorry, so many are so bad) I read on and was thrilled that I did. Your writing is superb, sense of dramatic build--enviable, and lusty feelings--hot, hot, hot! I look forward to more, Moog.

All right, I'm a sucker for your British use of "arse", too.

esl

a dozen:

 

[The Moog]

Oh wow! Thank you all so much for taking a look at this for me. I'm blown away that you actually liked it!

Shanglan, I agree with you about that sentence. I wasn't sure about it when I originally wrote it, and I'm glad you didn't feel comfortable with it either. I'll whip it out of there. You're right. It doesn't belong. And Rainbow Skin - thanks for spotting the punctuation blip. Must've got carried away in the heat of the moment - I'll get it fixed.

Funny thing about the second person narrative - I never actually meant to do it. I've never even tried second person in my life before because I don't like reading it either. I started this off in the third person, but it didn't work. The story was originally written for my boyfriend for his birthday (he's the one who persuaded me to post it!), and I wanted something a bit more personal than an outsider view. It worked on him, so it it didn't turn out all bad!

Dare I ask about how other writers describe cocks? I was tempted to put in a 'throbbing manhood' for the laugh of it, but it kind of spoils the mood!

As for arse I can't quite manage the American ass without collapsing into fits of giggles at the image of donkeys suddely leaping into the scene. What can I say? I'm a Brit through and through!

Thank you all for being so lovely. I'm feeling a lot happier about the whole thing now and very flattered. I really appreciate your kind words about the story.

Maybe I'll do him another one for Christmas!

and thanks again!

 

[SubtleDestroyer]

I sent you a comment with the little comment form. I don't like leaving anonymous comments, good or bad, so just letting you know that was me


It's refreshing to read something that sophisticated linguistically, when the topic is something so primal. Good job.

 

[MagicFingers]

And I've posted my first ever story. I'm still a bit nervous about it, so any positive comments would definitely be welcome, as would constructive criticism!

It's here , and is in the erotic couplings section. It's called 'Scarlet Temptation' and is about fantasising about doing the deed at a rather posh party, then seizing the moment.

Hope I've done this right. Sorry if I haven't!

Yep, you did it right!
As others have mentioned, using second person is hard to do and make it come off well, but you did.
Enjoyed it! Loved the heat and excitement of the setting and possibility of being discovered.

 

[eric shawn listo]

quote:

Dare I ask about how other writers describe cocks? I was tempted to put in a 'throbbing manhood' for the laugh of it, but it kind of spoils the mood!


Ah yes, the age old question. There's another thread here called "another huge cock story" that you may want to check out, Moog. Plenty of varying opinions.

If I may venture in: Any mention of size in inches seems to be a turn off. (although I think in the right setting anything goes) Since the average man's thigh is about 18 inches, a descripiton of the head of the penis reaching just past the half way mark down the length of his tanned inseam ought to do. Or if subject is lying on his back and the bobbing head of his erect member just happens to bounce just above his navel that would be nice. As far as circumfrence (not to be confused with width as in "it had to be six inches wide") anything between a thimble and a coke bottle seems to be the norm. (hee hee)

Actually, I say give the cock your working with a good honest description. And if you're working from your imagination, let your imagination guide you. You're doing fine.



esl

PS: throbbing manhood could be very effective in some equally throbbing (and moist) womanhood

 

[WickedWitch]

I liked your story. You have a wondeful command of the language and you built tension well in a situation that might be difficult to do for others. One has to be careful about physical descriptions as we all don't have Barbie Doll figures. Most women wouldn't feel comfortable in that dress but oh how we'd like the figure to be able too!! There is excitement in the thought that one may be caught in the act and you handled that very well indeed. From a woman's perspective a good story feeds into her natural fantasies. This doesn't happen to be mine but for those that fantasize about being caught you will give them a lot to think about! (Smile). Congratulations.