Jokes

[HoneyBearFarms]

Balloons

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

'Mommy, Mommy, what are those?'' he says pointing to her breasts.

''Well, son,'' she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.''

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.''Mommy,mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!''

''What do you mean?'' says his mother.

''Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, ''God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!''

 

[Guest]

Doctor's Orders

Gibberish

 

[KnightWing]

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

'Mommy, Mommy, what are those?'' he says pointing to her breasts.

''Well, son,'' she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.''

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.''Mommy,mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!''

''What do you mean?'' says his mother.

''Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, ''God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!''

Almost spewed my coffee on that one!!! Very funny!

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

...And that's when the fight started!

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby

table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years go,

and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said My wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that

long?'

And that's when the fight started....

.............................................................................................................................


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started....

.............................................................................................................................

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in

bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

.............................................................................................................................

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

.............................................................................................................................

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,

grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat

to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the

radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

whispered, "the weather out there is terrible"

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "'Can you believe my stupid husband is out

fishing in that?'"

And that's when the fight started....

.............................................................................................................................

 

[Guest]

Brooms

Gibberish

 

[smotherman]

Last Request

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed
as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted,
and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give
him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Sex Jokes

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly ."

 

[iroquois_plissken]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."