Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. "The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry.. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ......"
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. "The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry.. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ......"
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Subject: size matters
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Jim goes to see his doctor because he has an incredibly small penis
>and wants to know if anything can be done to help him.
>
>Dr. Putz rolls his eyes and says: "Okay, let's have a look."
>
>Jim drops his pants and Dr. Putz tries not to laugh.
>
>"You're right!" smiles Dr. Putz. "You definitely need help!
>But you're in luck...we have a new procedure that uses
>the DNA taken from the trunk of a newborn baby elephant.
>It doesn't hurt you, it doesn't hurt the elephant, everybody wins!"
>
>Jim smiles: "Sign me up!" and quickly checks into
>the hospital for the procedure.
>
>After a couple of weeks pass, he finally gets the courage
>to ask his next door neighbor, Mary, out on a date.
>
>They are having dinner at a fancy French restaurant when
>suddenly Jim's penis rips through his pants, snakes up over
>the table, grabs a bread roll out of the basket, and then,
>just as quickly, disappears back under the table.
>
>Jim, mortified with embarrassment, doesn't know what to say.
>
>Mary's eyes are big as saucers.......
>
>"Can you do that again?" she asks.
>
>Jim, gasping for air, says:
>"Maybe later... Right now my ass can't handle another dinner roll
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Jim goes to see his doctor because he has an incredibly small penis
>and wants to know if anything can be done to help him.
>
>Dr. Putz rolls his eyes and says: "Okay, let's have a look."
>
>Jim drops his pants and Dr. Putz tries not to laugh.
>
>"You're right!" smiles Dr. Putz. "You definitely need help!
>But you're in luck...we have a new procedure that uses
>the DNA taken from the trunk of a newborn baby elephant.
>It doesn't hurt you, it doesn't hurt the elephant, everybody wins!"
>
>Jim smiles: "Sign me up!" and quickly checks into
>the hospital for the procedure.
>
>After a couple of weeks pass, he finally gets the courage
>to ask his next door neighbor, Mary, out on a date.
>
>They are having dinner at a fancy French restaurant when
>suddenly Jim's penis rips through his pants, snakes up over
>the table, grabs a bread roll out of the basket, and then,
>just as quickly, disappears back under the table.
>
>Jim, mortified with embarrassment, doesn't know what to say.
>
>Mary's eyes are big as saucers.......
>
>"Can you do that again?" she asks.
>
>Jim, gasping for air, says:
>"Maybe later... Right now my ass can't handle another dinner roll
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
This is good. Sometimes the truth hurts! Enjoy!
YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL EMPLOYEE IF...
1. You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
2. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
3. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
4. You feel 'shallow gene pool' should have its own box on report cards.
5. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know, and correct their behavior.
7. You have no social life between August and June.
8. Marking all A's on report cards would make life SO much easier.
9. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
10. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
11. You laugh hysterically when people call the staff room the 'lounge.'
12. You silently encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
13. You can't have kids because there's no name you could use that wouldn't skyrocket your blood pressure the moment you heard it said.
14. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
15. You know you're in for a major hemorrhoid when a parent says,"I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
16. Meeting parents instantly answers the question, "Why is a kid
like this?"
YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL EMPLOYEE IF...
1. You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
2. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
3. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
4. You feel 'shallow gene pool' should have its own box on report cards.
5. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know, and correct their behavior.
7. You have no social life between August and June.
8. Marking all A's on report cards would make life SO much easier.
9. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
10. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
11. You laugh hysterically when people call the staff room the 'lounge.'
12. You silently encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
13. You can't have kids because there's no name you could use that wouldn't skyrocket your blood pressure the moment you heard it said.
14. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
15. You know you're in for a major hemorrhoid when a parent says,"I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
16. Meeting parents instantly answers the question, "Why is a kid
like this?"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
CALLING IN SICK
Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today..
My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss......."Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today..
My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss......."Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
I love that one, S1..roflmao!Succulent-one said:
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Confessional
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just
sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side either
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just
sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side either
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
ONCE A BAPTIST---- ALWAYS A BAPTIST
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up on the phone and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up on the phone and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
TNRkitect2b
Sir Brian
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2003
- Posts
- 4,028
1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."
2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much-and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire,which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"
9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Therefore the florest hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they did not close, he would be back. Well, very terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ... what? (This is so bad it's good...)--a super-callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
11.Finally: there once was a man who sent ten puns to some Friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much-and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire,which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"
9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Therefore the florest hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they did not close, he would be back. Well, very terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ... what? (This is so bad it's good...)--a super-callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
11.Finally: there once was a man who sent ten puns to some Friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
>WORLDS THINNEST BOOKS
~~@~~
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .....
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton--with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
~~@~~
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .....
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton--with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
I had to laugh when I read these...
It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now
nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different
sexual activities. Now they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent................................12 Calories
Without her consent............................2187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands..................................8 Calories
With one hand..................................12 Calories
With your teeth................................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.................................6 Calories
Without an erection..........................3315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary......................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................................78 Calories
69 standing up................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow....................................216 Calories
Doggy Style...................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier............................2912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real...........................................112 Calories
Fake.........................................1315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately..816 Calories
Missing the wet spot..........................2459 Calories
Relieving leg cramp resulting from above......8794 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years....................................36 Calories
30-39 years....................................80 Calories
40-49 years....................................124 Calories
50-59 years..................................1972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7916 Calories
70 and over....................................Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door...........5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
Results may vary.
It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now
nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different
sexual activities. Now they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent................................12 Calories
Without her consent............................2187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands..................................8 Calories
With one hand..................................12 Calories
With your teeth................................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.................................6 Calories
Without an erection..........................3315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary......................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................................78 Calories
69 standing up................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow....................................216 Calories
Doggy Style...................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier............................2912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real...........................................112 Calories
Fake.........................................1315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately..816 Calories
Missing the wet spot..........................2459 Calories
Relieving leg cramp resulting from above......8794 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years....................................36 Calories
30-39 years....................................80 Calories
40-49 years....................................124 Calories
50-59 years..................................1972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7916 Calories
70 and over....................................Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door...........5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
Results may vary.
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
Why Women are CRABBY (sooo true)
Why Women are Crabby We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our "periods" in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).
Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs.
Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well- deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make even the Great Ghandi a tad cranky. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right.
Bite me.
Why Women are Crabby We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our "periods" in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).
Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs.
Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well- deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make even the Great Ghandi a tad cranky. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right.
Bite me.
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
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Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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alwaysawake said:
So.....the big question is, did you buy one?? LOL
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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The ticket
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.
They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same! thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Yankee.
"Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.
When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.
They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same! thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Yankee.
"Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.
When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
biggbear8
heart and soul
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- Jul 20, 2002
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Little Davy watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class: "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Dave quickly raised his hand and said: "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class: "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Dave quickly raised his hand and said: "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
biggbear8
heart and soul
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Parable Number 1: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. ========================================================= Parable Number 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. ========================================================= Parable Number 3: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Lesson: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! ========================================================= Parable Number 4: The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. Management Lesson: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
