Jokes

[biggbear8]

30 years' difference ...
>
>
>
>
> 1973: Long hair
> 2003: Longing for hair
> 1973: The perfect high
> 2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund
> 1973: KEG
> 2003: EKG
> 1973: Acid rock
> 2003: Acid reflux
> 1973: Moving to California because it's cool
> 2003: Moving to California because it's warm
> 1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
> 2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
> 1973: Seeds and stems
> 2003: Roughage
> 1973: Killer weed
> 2003: Weed killer
> 1973: Hoping for a BMW
> 2003: Hoping for a BM
> 1973: The Grateful Dead
> 2003: Dr. Kevorkian
> 1973: Going to a new, hip joint
> 2003: Receiving a new hip joint
> 1973: Rolling Stones
> 2003: Kidney Stones
> 1973: Being called into the principal's office
> 2003: Calling the principal's office
> 1973: Screw the system
> 2003: Upgrade the system
> 1973: Disco
> 2003: Costco
> 1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
> 2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
> 1973: Passing the drivers' test
> 2003: Passing the vision test
> 1973: Whatever
> 2003: Depends
>
> Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
> The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
> Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
> Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
> The CD was introduced the year they were born.
> They have always had an answering machine.
> They have always had cable.
> They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
> Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
> Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
> They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
> They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
> They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
> They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
> They do not care who shot J R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
> McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
> They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
>
>
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> Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
>
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> Notice the larger type, that's for those you have trouble reading.
>
>
>

 

[biggbear8]

A Trip To Hooters





A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

 

[alwaysawake]

http://www.roadtripamerica.com/signs/dung.gif

 

[GNelson]

*

 

[alwaysawake]

Top 20 Ways to refer to a guy with his fly is unzipped...

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown anymore.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

 

[alwaysawake]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon, they were carrying on in the bedroom when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!” and she pushed him stark naked into the closet.
The husband, however, became suspicious and, after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.virtual-underground.com/funny/bunny.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.virtual-underground.com/funny/harley.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

Martha Stewart Maxi-pad slippers....cool
http://www.sillygirl.com/images/sillywords/martha%20stewart%20%C9na%20be%20slips.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

Offend Southerns Day

SOUTHERNISMS


1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way
down.

4. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

5. It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

6. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.

7. This is gooder'n grits.

8. I've been busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

9. Happy as a clam at high tide.

10. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me
enjoy it.

Notices to Northerners moving to the South:

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed why
shortly.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.

4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

5. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either.

6. The first Southern _expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck", or "big ol boy".
"Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd; it's harder
to use.
(Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.)

7. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!," get out of his way.
These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will.

8. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

9. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does
not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed
to do if you're Southern.

10. Be advised that in the South "He needed killin" is a valid legal defense.

 

[Joey3308]

Who says I spend too much time on the puter?
http://www.virtual-underground.com/funny/winneptune.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.virtual-underground.com/funny/traffic_signz.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

Silent Treatment

Jack and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Jack realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the war), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."

The next morning, Jack woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and he knew that his friends would have left for the golf course without him.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up."

Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[tonitits]

My uncle told me this joke this morning (he said that he golfed with his bifocals on for the first time yesterday, a whole different game!)

There were 4 old guys that always met every Monday and played golf and then when they were done they would go into the club house and play poker together. One day one of the guys told them that he would be late for them to start without him and he would meet them in the card room. So they were in the card room and the 4th guy showed up and they asked him how he did. "I shot par." They all laughed and said there is no way you shot par, we play with you every Monday and you had to do something different to shoot par. He said I swear I did shoot par. The reason that I was late I hate to go get some glasses and they gave me bifocals. I don't know if you know about bifocals but they have this line and if you look down here everything looks bigger and if you look at the top everything looks small. He said so I teed up and looked down and WoW! I saw a big ball and a little ball. Sooooooo I hit the big ball. When I went to make a putt I looked and I saw a big ball, a small ball, a big hole and a small hole. So I shot the small ball in the big hole!
Then he said excuse me for a minute and walked off. When he came back the whole front of his pants were wet. They asked him "What happened"? He said well I went to the urinal and I looked down and I saw a big one and a little one. I knew that the big was not mine, so I put it back in my pants!!!

 

[~Elizabeth~]

 

[~Elizabeth~]

Hillbilly Vibrator

 

[Joey3308]

Re: Hillbilly Vibrator

Damn....let's go fishin babe

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.theuglymonkey.com/E-Mail%20Address%20Joke.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://us.f103.mail.yahoo.com/ym/ShowLetter/59car.jpg?

 

[alwaysawake]

This is plain freaky....

 

[carrie-on]

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Virginia, age 89, living in Florida,
are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you
the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis,
Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,
antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist, "We'd like to use this
store as our Bridal Registry.

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.funnydoodle.com/images/fp-96.jpg

 

[alwaysawake]

What does Hillary call the saga of Bill's escapades with Monica?
Honey'n'Nut Serial

 

[alwaysawake]

Two women walking home after a heavy night on the booze, needed to pee, so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so, one woman used her panties and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath on one of the graves. The next day, their husbands were talking, "We'd better keep an eye on our wives," one said. "Mine came home without her panties!"
"You think that is bad," said the other. "Mine came home with a card stuck in her ass, saying, 'From all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'"

 

[Joey3308]

This is cool
http://www.funnydoodle.com/images/fp-39.gif