Jokes

[carrie-on]

What PMS stands for:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one....

13. Potential Murder Suspect

 

[Joey3308]

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has
been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want! WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! .....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

 

[Succulent-one]

Tongues and tight holes

Hummmm

 

[Succulent-one]

New Words

NEW WORDS FOR 2004

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to
get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the
kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find
yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic
device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no
matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions...

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then
enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.

 

[biggbear8]

ROFLMAO those are great please keep them coming

thx to all that posted

carrie on
joey .
succulent one

AA
Toni

thanks to all of you that posted

 

[alwaysawake]

(I'm gonna get killed for this one...read all the way before making a decision!)

It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there.

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

The land is too large to secure all of it. The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place.

Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and in the process of changing.

Why are we still there?

Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes.

Why are we still there?

It will cost billions to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects.

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

And to repeat. Every day we hear of more Americans killed in this dangerous land.

It is clear!



We must abandon California.

 

[alwaysawake]

I got a new car radio for Christmas and its really smart. You shout
"Country", it plays Willie Nelson. You shout "Rock" and it plays The Rolling Stones. Some kids ran in front of my car the other day and I shouted "FUCKING KIDS!" and it played Michael Jackson!

 

[alwaysawake]

They finally found actress Joan Crawford's long lost daughter!

 

[Joey3308]

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

 

[mystic_Arrival]

'Hi, God, I have a problem.'



'What is it, Eve?'



'I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious, comedic snake, but I'm just not happy'



'And why is that, Eve?'



'Well, God, I'm lonely and bored, there's only so much to occupy yourself with in a garden.'



'In that case, Eve, I will give you something to keep you busy. I will create a man for you.'



'A man? What is that, God?'



'A flawed, base creature with many bad habits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain. He will be witless and will revel in childish things. He'll be bigger than you and will like fighting, hunting and killing things. He won't be too smart, so he will need your advice to work out most of his problems. He will be created with little emotional capacity so will need to be nurtured. He will look silly when aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that, with a bit of training, he will be able to satisfy your physical needs. And he will create enough work to ensure that you will never be bored again!'



'Sounds great,' said Eve, sardonically raising an eyebrow, 'but what's the catch?'



'You can only have him on one condition.'



'And what's that, God?'



'As I said, he will be arrogant and self admiring, so you'll have to let him believe I made him first. It will be our little secret, you

know, woman to woman.'




Valentine story read and vote please

 

[Joey3308]

You know it is going to be a BAD day when --

You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.

You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.

Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.

Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

You call suicide prevention, and they put you on hold.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

It's the morning after the company office party and everyone is avoiding you.

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.adult-cartoons.co.uk/images/toons/c001.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.adult-cartoons.co.uk/images/toons/c002.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.adult-cartoons.co.uk/images/toons/c010.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.adult-cartoons.co.uk/images/photos/p007.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains
her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A
few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.
_______________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
The second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a Coke ."
_______________________________________


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
take the soup."
_______________________________________
ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few
times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when
one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ...
I know we've been friends for a long time .....but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need
to know?"
_______________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Oh no ," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

*****************************************************88

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!





Forwarded Message
From: "Steve" <cigarman@compuplus.net>
To: RRAMBLINROSA@aol.com, "MJ Klaetsch" <klaetschmj@hotmail.com>, "Mickey" <res083l3@verizon.net>, "Brian & Michele" <mollbm@hotmail.com>, "BRANDI" <willowspy_7@yahoo.com>
Subject: old age
Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2004 22:11:46 -0700



HTML Attachment [ Scan and Download | Scan and Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains
her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A
few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.
_______________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
The second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a Coke ."
_______________________________________


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
take the soup."
_______________________________________
ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few
times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when
one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ...
I know we've been friends for a long time .....but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need
to know?"
_______________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Oh no ," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

*****************************************************88

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

 

[Joey3308]

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, “Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.”
Sarah said, “Cows have spots.
Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.”
Carla said, “Computers are electronic.”
Bobby said, “Urinate.”
Mrs. Flebs said, “Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.”
Bobby said, “Not ‘urinate’, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.”

 

[Succulent-one]

http://www.adult-cartoons.co.uk/images/photos/p007.jpg

LOL she is really sucking something out of there!

 

[Succulent-one]

Bathing the cat

Tips on bathing the cat;
a.. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
b.. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
c.. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids You may need to stand on the lid.
d.. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
e.. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."
f.. Have someone open the door to the outside, be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
g.. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids
h.. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
i.. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!
Always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult times..

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[alwaysawake]

What Hallmark doesn't print:

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
It's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder?
What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married ...but not to you.

12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long time...
\What say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky,Missouri, and West Virginia)

 

[alwaysawake]

NEWS FLASH!

BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS (AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, the $2 to $5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in
Bristol, RI. She added, "The right name is important."

So, here we go. The top twelve suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
2. World Championship Riesling
And the NUMBER ONE name for Wal-Mart Wine. . .
1. Nasti Spumante

 

[alwaysawake]

George Carlin Strikes Again

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE (I love that one!)
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

[carrie-on]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
'personality' is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch
and,without missing a beat, blurts out.........."I'll be damned.......... My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Ahhh those little pests

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together whenher husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

 

[biggbear8]

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
from the days when Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger
readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Even if you
don't know them....some of the answers are hysterical


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more! growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
What was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet