Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
Two men are out hunting and they get into an argument.
"Those are deer tracks," one insists.
"No," says the other, "I'm sure they're elk tracks.
Just then the train hits them.
A man goes into a drugstore and asks for deodorant.
"The ball type?"
"No, it's for my underarms."
A man walking on the beach picks up a bottle and rubs it. Out pops a genie.
"Master, I can grant any two wishes you desire."
The man thinks for a second and says,
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish." There is a loud poof and the man turns into a toilet seat.
Did you hear about the sign someone found on the condom machine in a service station men's rest room?
It read, "This gum tastes funny."
So men can remember them.
Two men are out hunting and they get into an argument.
"Those are deer tracks," one insists.
"No," says the other, "I'm sure they're elk tracks.
Just then the train hits them.
A man goes into a drugstore and asks for deodorant.
"The ball type?"
"No, it's for my underarms."
A man walking on the beach picks up a bottle and rubs it. Out pops a genie.
"Master, I can grant any two wishes you desire."
The man thinks for a second and says,
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish." There is a loud poof and the man turns into a toilet seat.
Did you hear about the sign someone found on the condom machine in a service station men's rest room?
It read, "This gum tastes funny."
~Elizabeth~
His horny lil devil
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2002
- Posts
- 44,323
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise
or himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the
travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come
you keep doing it?"
or himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the
travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come
you keep doing it?"
~Elizabeth~
His horny lil devil
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- Nov 12, 2002
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biggbear8 said:
Thought you might like that one baby. I was in stitches after reading it. LOL
LdyBGemini
Literotica Guru
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cartoon...lol
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
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Love this one...
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So,I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, theADA found out about the VD, so they took away
my DDS--so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with
VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So,I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, theADA found out about the VD, so they took away
my DDS--so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with
VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
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You get bored easily? I am boring--so maybe you'd better get out more?!tonitits said:
~Elizabeth~
His horny lil devil
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A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it
another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically
"I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead."
are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it
another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically
"I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead."
higherlevel4u
RIP Literotica
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What's the female to male sex change operation called?
A strapadichtomy . . .
A strapadichtomy . . .
Bachlum Chaam
Crumpet Captivator
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Mr Penguin was driving his car to town when the engine started miss firing,he nursed the car to the edge of town and stopped at the first garage he came to.
He said to the mechanic "My car is miss firing can you look at it please.
The mechanic replied "Sure give me an hour to check it out, then come back"
"Ok I shall return in about an hour I'll go to the ice cream parlour, as I love ice cream"
After spending the last hour stuffing himself with ice cream he shows up at the garage belly full and ice cream all round his face the mechanic comes out and says "It looks like you've blown a seal"
Mr Penguin replies "no thats vanilla ice cream"
He said to the mechanic "My car is miss firing can you look at it please.
The mechanic replied "Sure give me an hour to check it out, then come back"
"Ok I shall return in about an hour I'll go to the ice cream parlour, as I love ice cream"
After spending the last hour stuffing himself with ice cream he shows up at the garage belly full and ice cream all round his face the mechanic comes out and says "It looks like you've blown a seal"
Mr Penguin replies "no thats vanilla ice cream"
higherlevel4u
RIP Literotica
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- Feb 7, 2003
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- 137,532
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
higherlevel4u
RIP Literotica
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A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
higherlevel4u
RIP Literotica
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A horse walked into a bar and ordered a beer. "Sure" said the barman.
As he put the beer on the counter, the barman looked at the horse and said:
"So why the long face then?"
As he put the beer on the counter, the barman looked at the horse and said:
"So why the long face then?"
higherlevel4u
RIP Literotica
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A young lady teacher stood in front of her young class and said:
"Does anybody know any 12 letter words?"
Little Johnny at the back puts his hand up.
"Yes, Johnny?"
"Masturbation, Miss"
"Oooh, that's a mouthful Johnny!"
"No, that's blowjob, Miss . . . that's 7 letters!"
"Does anybody know any 12 letter words?"
Little Johnny at the back puts his hand up.
"Yes, Johnny?"
"Masturbation, Miss"
"Oooh, that's a mouthful Johnny!"
"No, that's blowjob, Miss . . . that's 7 letters!"
English Lady
Erotic English Rose
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*lmao* oh higher that made me giggle...though i knew the horse one*L*
