Jokes

[wally2450]

T-Shirts For Breast Cancer Awareness Walk

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/201981.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a
table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the
children a work sheet to do.

While they were working she heard a little girl say very
softly "damn!"

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that
in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she
said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

 

[wally2450]

FOUR RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian World.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/202083.gif

 

[wally2450]

Game Not Over



A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber

whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in

the world. Watch while I prove it to you."



The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two

quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and

asks, "Which do you want, son?"



The boy takes the quarters and leaves.



"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid

never learns!"



Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same

young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey,

son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the

quarters instead of the dollar bill?"



The boy licked his cone and replied,"Because the day I

take the dollar, the game's over!"

 

[riftheotherone]

An Irishman, englishman and Scotsman are walking down the beach when they disturb a genie whjo grants them each a wish...Irishman says he's from a long line of fishermen and it's his sincere wish his son follows him to which end he wants the oceans to be forever filled with fish...no problem says the genie...they look out to sea and see a plentiful supply of fish teaming there

English man says he wants a thick enough wall put round England to protect it from anyone wanting to harm his great country...genie snaps his fingers and a bloody great fortress went up around the land

Scotsman asks the genie to tell him a little more about this wall...it's 150 foot tall and 50 foot thick, nothing and no one can get in or out....och thats ok then says the Scotsman...just fill it up with water ;-)

 

[wally2450]

On the third night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut
off the lights and crawl under the covers. Turning amorously towards
his
bride, he tenderly informs his wife that tonight he wants a hand job
instead of the usual stuff.

She, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a
"hand job" is.

So, she tells her husband she needs a drink of water, gets out of bed,
puts on her robe and heads downstairs to the phone to call her mom.

Mom," she says, "he says he wants a hand job and I don't know what he
means."

Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing
and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."

Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies.

So she hangs up the phone, heads back upstairs, removes her robe and
crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her lover, grabs his
thing
firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.

 

[wally2450]

A man went to a dentist one day for a regular check up. The dentist
decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be
extracted. The dentist advised the man of the situation who agreed to
the procedure.
When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man
said "don't
worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain
that
the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that
he
would be OK without a needle. The patient went on to explain that he
had
two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so
the
dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth. To the dentist's
amazement
the guy didn't even wince.
The dentist, quite astonished remarked " that was amazing, the two
recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must
have been something special, would you care to tell me about them".
The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an
overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and
squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a
rabbit
trap and CRUNCH!!". The dentist exclaimed "oh my god, that must have
been excruciating but what was the second experience". The man
replied
"when I ran out of chain"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/202279.jpg

 

[wally2450]

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. These
two women go everywhere together and I've One is a middle-aged gym
teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they
could be Lebanese? -- Curious.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and
when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said
it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable
illegitimate doctor?

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now,
how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50
an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he drank until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
going through mental pause.

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the
chief petting officer.

 

[wally2450]

Indian Reservation

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to
be cold or mild?

Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never
been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky
he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that
the members of the village should collect firewood to
be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to a phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going
to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,"
the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service
again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a
very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again
replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to collect every scrap of firewood they could
find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather
Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter
is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and
more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters
ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/202637.gif

 

[wally2450]

First grade teacher

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story
of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the
part of the story where the first pig was trying to
accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir,
but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he
said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

 

[Denae]

Husband's note on the refrigerator to his wife:

"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. When did you start drinking beer?" See you tonight, Bob.

 

[wally2450]

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date . . .
. . . with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate.

The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

 

[wally2450]

A newly married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.

"Only one," replies the bride. "I won't take it up the arse."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/203153.gif

 

[Succulent-one]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile
at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had
watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going
on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out
of a ghost."

Happy Halloween

 

[wally2450]

SEX ... The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.

 

[wally2450]

Small hotel

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town,
which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with
me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you
be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me
at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all
that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel,
and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too!"

 

[Joey3308]

A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month
since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for
the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out
and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has
been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green
twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his
sermon, a tall, drop dead gorgeous, woman enters the sanctuary. All the
men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down
right in front of the Priest !

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green
shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, Ithink it's just the reflection off her shoes."

 

[wally2450]

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party
and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they
found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping
away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching
his breath,

"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were
a ghost!

What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled
my name!"

 

[wally2450]

Old man

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from
the couch and starts putting on his coat. His wife,
seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you
going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra
stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on
her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going?"

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what the hell do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty
old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

 

[wally2450]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series
Of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems
extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarr-
assed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the
hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him.

He started yelling, cursing , and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended
up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring
down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely
containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole
incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going
on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just
beat the shit out of a ghost."

 

[Scorch_30]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are having marrital problems and go to see a counselor

The Dr. using good counseling techniques say to Mickey, "What I hear you saying Mr. Mouse is that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replies, "Oh no Dr., I said she was fucking Goofy."