Jokes

[wally2450]

The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me
the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I
found a new route. Now I need some birth control pills." The doc
asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Army." "Active or
retired?" "If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills,
would I?"

 

[wally2450]

A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little boy
says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all
night. She sleeps during the day" The salesman scratches his head and
says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch" The little boy replies, "I'm a
bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and
telling them about it."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/173543.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili."

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Sergeant.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Sergeant was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?"

 

[wally2450]

One day a police officer was driving her squad through the cemetery
as police officers do on the midnight shift. She came upon an auto
with its headlights off and no persons were visible. The officer
exited her vehicle and approached the suspicious auto and noticed two
youthful occupants jump up and began to button their clothing. The
officer stated, "Didn't you see the sign on the front gate -- closed
after 6:00 P.M.?" The youth responded, "No ma'am, officer. We came in
the back gate where it says get lots while you're young!!!!"

 

[wally2450]

Audrey just managed to squeeze into the crowded subway train. She was
dying to get off her feet but, of course, there were no vacant seats.
The man sitting directly in front of her had a kind face, which
prompted her to say, "I beg your pardon, but I wonder if you'd mind
letting me sit down? You see, I'm going to have a baby." "But of
course," said the kind gent, as he traded places. After a few
minutes, he addressed her as follows: "I'm a family man and can
appreciate your feelings. By the way, when is the blessed event
expected?" "In nine months," she said, "and brother, am I tired!"

 

[wally2450]

A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk
clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In
a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there
stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks
surprised but invites her in. She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't
you?" He says, "Well, Yes," so she begins to disrobe. When she is
almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you
married or single?" He says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all
her clothes back on. "What the Hell?", the Texan asks. Her reply,
"We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy".

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/174304.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A college student picked up his date at her parents
home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to
take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she
ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.

Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally
he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at
home?"

"No, of course not," she said, "but my Mother's not
looking to get lucky, either."

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time."

"Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

 

[wally2450]

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, are lamenting their lack of
a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep
stuck half way thru a fence with its butt facing the tavern. One
drunk says, "I wish that sheep was Jessica Simpson." The other says,
"I just wish it was dark outside!"

 

[wally2450]

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic woman and a Jewish woman?

A. The Catholic woman tells her husband to buy Viagra....The Jewish woman tells her husband to buy Pfizer.

 

[wally2450]

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters.
One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were.
When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good
paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know
where the lighthouses are to apply." I told them, There are no
lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper." Sure enough, there
were ads for "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person."

 

[wally2450]

After the christening of his baby brother in
church, Jason sobbed all the way home in
the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was
wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought
up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.

 

[wally2450]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Civilians,

We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have
many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those
of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of
the areas we would like your assistance with:

1) The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the
National anthem ... kick their ass.

2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in
protest ... kick their ass.

3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold
them down while the Veteran kicks their ass.

4) If you are not in the military, DO NOT pretend that you are.
Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to
be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been
okay if you were still seven, but now it will only get your ass
kicked. (Veterans are exempt from this rule)

5) If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir," stand back
.. a Marine will kick their ass.

6) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do
you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such
ignorance deserves an ass kickin (children are exempt).

7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper ...
it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your
ass will be kicked.

8) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn
feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart and
quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her ... of course, failure to do either of those will earn
you a severe ass kicking.

9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The
proper word to describe her is "traitor." Hate her or else (asses will
be kicked).

10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran.
We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party
affiliation. Our Chain of Command, to include our commander in Chief
.. the President ... (for those who didn't know) is all that we
acknowledge. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big
important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. All we
know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the
situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The
military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him
kicking your ass already.)

11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop
saying it! If she did, she would most likely kick your ass!

12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying
"Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me
.. if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me
know, so I can go kick their ass.

13) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving
and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please
remember that there are, literally, thousands of troops overseas
wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military
and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country
would get its ass kicked.

 

[wally2450]

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, come home and expect
to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
alone and sleep. In other words, every quality
that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

 

[wally2450]

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

 

[wally2450]

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that
divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's
the problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of
contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said
the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't
own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell
expect exclusive drillin' rights!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/175797.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Red Skelton's Tips for a Happy Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on
Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is
in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the Lake"

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

 

[wally2450]

Graduate Nurse vs. Experienced Nurse


A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.
A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on her name badge you can't read it.
An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons
A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough.
A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know she's a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know she's a nurse, especially in restaurants where she may be required to do a Heimlich maneuver or mouth-to-mouth on a total stranger.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of her hand, paper scraps, napkins, alcohol prep packages, gloves, bed sheets, scrub pants, etc.
A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart that the patient is disoriented and either restrain him or calls for a haloperidol order.
A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping IV pump at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any distance.
A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn't want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic. (If that ain't your complaint then I ain't assessing it!)
A Graduate Nurse spends two hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.
A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.
A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody. (Has been known to tell the patient to hold pressure until 7pm)
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family. (If you ain't the patient then go to the waiting room)
A Graduate Nurse expects medications and supplies to be delivered on to hold pressure until 7pm)
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family. (If you ain't the patient then go to the waiting room)
A Graduate Nurse expects medications and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.
A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley ca
A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in her bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some "cough syrup" in her bag.
A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.

 

[wally2450]

There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in
the
ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler
and
couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers.

"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"

The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such
things? There are no squirrels doing anything."

"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I
lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."

The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and
sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the
five dollars as he promised.

It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little
Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not
want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he
calls
the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.

"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to
make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you
please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"

The teacher says she will try.

So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the
first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50
dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"

Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks.
She
grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and
wash
out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"

Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak
the
facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you
fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show
the teacher he is not bluffing.

Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid
kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an
end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove
him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure
nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers
in
front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is
blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.

"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."

Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a
little
change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her
success. "I
am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again." The
father is quite curious as to how she did it.

"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that
I
had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong."

"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"

"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my
genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.

"That little son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take
your
underwear off on the first day of class....!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/176003.jpg

 

[mac616n]

Art Exhibit

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

[wally2450]

I miss my husband. I really do. He's traveling and
I'm home all alone and this weather sucks and I want
company. So, I'd like to propose the following:

I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today.
I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the
door wearing nothing but lingerie.

You must agree to:

-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until
8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call
to let me know you are going to be late.

-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.

-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get
out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?"

-- take your plate from the table and walk into the
living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving
me alone.

-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with
your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.

-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is
clean or that the food that took me several hours to
cook is any good.

-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch ESPN
instead.

-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on
the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.

-- come to bed without showering, even though you've
been at work all day.

-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.

-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.


Please, please, please help me out! I miss the
asshole.