Jokes

[wally2450]

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a sexy body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. Limp as a dish rag!

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at his penis, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!

 

[wally2450]

Golfer

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see
him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the
surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the
transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf
course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my
life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really
improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an
erection, I also get a headache".

 

[wally2450]

"How was the date with your new boyfriend last night?" "Not so good.
He didn't take me to that nice restaurant as he promised." "The
restaurant you went to wasn't classy?" "Not at all. When I asked for
the house red, they brought me a bottle of ketchup!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/157041.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


º°'°º ?o, ,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°



After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."




?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?




A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."




?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?




A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us g o?"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º



Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"



º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º


The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."



?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?



This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

 

[wally2450]

CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


º°'°º ?o, ,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°



After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."




?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?




A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."




?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?




A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us g o?"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º



Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"



º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º


The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."



?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?



This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

 

[wally2450]

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ’the
prison’ and call my private thing ’the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

Again the man rises to the occasion, but this time with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Damn, its not a life sentence woman, okay!"

 

[crazy_grrluk]

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ’the
prison’ and call my private thing ’the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

Again the man rises to the occasion, but this time with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Damn, its not a life sentence woman, okay!"

lolol

 

[wally2450]

One night this guy and his new girlfriend are about to go into his
apartment for the first time. Before he can open his door, his girlfriend
says, "Wait a minute, I want to see you unlock the door. I can tell how a
man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

"Give me some examples," the guy replies.

"Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then
that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles
around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

"I see," the guy says.

"So..." she replies coyly, "how do you unlock your door?"

"Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

 

[wally2450]

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps
her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was
working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came
down and cut off a finger!" "My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate
his whole finger?" "No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the
one just next to it!"

 

[wally2450]

I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelt's opponent in the 1936 election) had died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to tell.

There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?"

The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."

"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."

"Young man," he said, "the son of a bitch I'm looking for will be on the front page."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/157518.jpg

 

[wally2450]

When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to
cut back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he
would have to give-up most of his harem. He decided to find out which
ones performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few.
Nite after nite the "contest" was held. Then one of the younger girls
performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one of
the chosen. "Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous
technique?" "What I did, O Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice
cubes prior to our session." replied the girl. "You see, my Mother
told me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails."

 

[mac616n]

Kenny the Rooster

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

 

[mac616n]

THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[wally2450]

Kenny the Rooster

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

Classic lol!

 

[wally2450]

A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the dorm.
Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin
and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the
doorway. "In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe
over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to
pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a
whore's shoe!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/157517.jpg

 

[wally2450]

An old man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a big pond in the back. It was ideal for swimming,
so he fixed up the area around it with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some fruit trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
so he could bring back some fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he
came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond ." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[lexielou2]

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there,' indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need
to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and
7inches in your pants.'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one
of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the
waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.'

 

[wally2450]

The woman applying for a job in a lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have
any experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes,"
she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident
scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I
parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the
radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the
Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said. I approached the
officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to
know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra
Papa Echo Lima Lima."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/158146.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of aeroplanes, jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at max velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

Engineers in the UK heard about this gun and were extremely eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood in a state of shock as the chicken hurtled out the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

 

[light_effects]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of aeroplanes, jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at max velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

Engineers in the UK heard about this gun and were extremely eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood in a state of shock as the chicken hurtled out the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

i like that one, now i coughed water everywhere as i read it

 

[wally2450]

Blond

Did you hear about the blond who was snorting Nutrasweet? She thought it was Diet Coke!