wally2450
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Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point
buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole,"
Little Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum,"
she said."Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."
Whether or not a girl can be had for a song depends on a man's pitch.
buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole,"
Little Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum,"
she said."Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."
Whether or not a girl can be had for a song depends on a man's pitch.
wally2450
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Succulent-one
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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report
to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line
of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and
in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was
only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to
be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from
him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report
to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line
of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and
in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was
only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to
be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from
him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Succulent-one
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From Beer.Com:
We here at Beer.com are taking a bold step to combat this trend: The Man Card.
This gold-embossed card, to be carried in your two-inch thick wallet, will help to positively reinforce the traditional male role model, as set out by John Wayne, Steve McQueen and Burt Reynolds.
The card will entitle the bearer to discounts on various items, including trucks, guns, beef, beer and pornography. It will be used to gain entrance to special displays at car, boat or heavy equipment shows, and allows the bearer access to the VIP room and one free boilermaker at participating titty bars.
Further, this card may be presented by way of apology after farting in public.
Now, we here at Beer.com do not discriminate; anyone who wishes to can apply for, and receive, The Man Card, women included. Applications are available at Home Depot, and are printed on the napkins at Hooters.
However, the test of the card is in the bearer's actions AFTER receiving it. He or she will be under sporadic surveillance once receiving and endorsing the card. Committing any three of the infractions listed below will result in the revocation of the card.
Also, the former bearer's car will be painted pink and their name will legally be changed to Lucy... unless their name is already Lucy, in which case it will be changed to Millicent.
The infractions include, but are not limited to:
1. Ordering a steak cooked 'medium' or 'well done.' Just to get this straight, when the steak arrives at your table, it should still be trying to moo and graze on your vegetables.
2. Riding a 'sport' motorcycle with a full-face helmet and matching leathers. Your FZQJXR 600 does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a dog humping a football.
3. Driving a minivan. Even a rental. You are to drive either a van, or not a van. And if you do drive a van, it needs to be The A-Team van.
4. Entering a tanning bed for any reason whatsoever. Okay, there is one reason. You are permitted to enter a tanning bed if the hot tanning salon chick wants to knock boots in a tanning bed. But remaining in the tanning bed afterward is a no-no.
5. Being interested in any film rated PG or lower. (Note: being interested and acting interested are completely different; watching a family film in order to get some is perfectly acceptable, and will gain you extra credit for a free rental of Goodfellas.)
6. Failing to know how to drive a standard transmission. This is like not knowing how to do up a zipper. It's instinctive. The software comes pre-loaded; all you have to do is open it up. And the easiest way to do that is to go buy a car with a stick shift and drive it home from the dealership.
7. Wearing more than one ring or necklace at once. Nelly can pull this off. You can't.
8. Growing a very, very short soap-opera-style beard (Note: this is acceptable under only two circumstances: either you haven't shaved for a week due to drunkenness, or you're planning on growing a big- ZZ Top beard).
9. Using a loufa or one of those shower puff thingies. A washcloth is fine. And your soap better not smell like anything but green.
10. Contrary to popular belief, the use of maps is acceptable. Asking for directions remains taboo.
11. Ordering any drink with an umbrella and/or more than three ingredients. Even in Mexico, among the hordes of Speedo-clad Germans, you still look like a ordering a Mojito.
12. Reading a men's magazine for the articles. Because who are we kidding, really?
So keep it tight, gents, and one day your children will ask you what it was like when Snap-On didn't make kitchen appliances. They'll ask you to tell them again how horrible it was to endure Diet Pepsi ads during the Super Bowl. And they'll tell you how grateful they are that the world isn't crazy any more.
And you'll tell them, "No, children. Don't thank me. Thank The Beer.com Man Card."
We here at Beer.com are taking a bold step to combat this trend: The Man Card.
This gold-embossed card, to be carried in your two-inch thick wallet, will help to positively reinforce the traditional male role model, as set out by John Wayne, Steve McQueen and Burt Reynolds.
The card will entitle the bearer to discounts on various items, including trucks, guns, beef, beer and pornography. It will be used to gain entrance to special displays at car, boat or heavy equipment shows, and allows the bearer access to the VIP room and one free boilermaker at participating titty bars.
Further, this card may be presented by way of apology after farting in public.
Now, we here at Beer.com do not discriminate; anyone who wishes to can apply for, and receive, The Man Card, women included. Applications are available at Home Depot, and are printed on the napkins at Hooters.
However, the test of the card is in the bearer's actions AFTER receiving it. He or she will be under sporadic surveillance once receiving and endorsing the card. Committing any three of the infractions listed below will result in the revocation of the card.
Also, the former bearer's car will be painted pink and their name will legally be changed to Lucy... unless their name is already Lucy, in which case it will be changed to Millicent.
The infractions include, but are not limited to:
1. Ordering a steak cooked 'medium' or 'well done.' Just to get this straight, when the steak arrives at your table, it should still be trying to moo and graze on your vegetables.
2. Riding a 'sport' motorcycle with a full-face helmet and matching leathers. Your FZQJXR 600 does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a dog humping a football.
3. Driving a minivan. Even a rental. You are to drive either a van, or not a van. And if you do drive a van, it needs to be The A-Team van.
4. Entering a tanning bed for any reason whatsoever. Okay, there is one reason. You are permitted to enter a tanning bed if the hot tanning salon chick wants to knock boots in a tanning bed. But remaining in the tanning bed afterward is a no-no.
5. Being interested in any film rated PG or lower. (Note: being interested and acting interested are completely different; watching a family film in order to get some is perfectly acceptable, and will gain you extra credit for a free rental of Goodfellas.)
6. Failing to know how to drive a standard transmission. This is like not knowing how to do up a zipper. It's instinctive. The software comes pre-loaded; all you have to do is open it up. And the easiest way to do that is to go buy a car with a stick shift and drive it home from the dealership.
7. Wearing more than one ring or necklace at once. Nelly can pull this off. You can't.
8. Growing a very, very short soap-opera-style beard (Note: this is acceptable under only two circumstances: either you haven't shaved for a week due to drunkenness, or you're planning on growing a big- ZZ Top beard).
9. Using a loufa or one of those shower puff thingies. A washcloth is fine. And your soap better not smell like anything but green.
10. Contrary to popular belief, the use of maps is acceptable. Asking for directions remains taboo.
11. Ordering any drink with an umbrella and/or more than three ingredients. Even in Mexico, among the hordes of Speedo-clad Germans, you still look like a ordering a Mojito.
12. Reading a men's magazine for the articles. Because who are we kidding, really?
So keep it tight, gents, and one day your children will ask you what it was like when Snap-On didn't make kitchen appliances. They'll ask you to tell them again how horrible it was to endure Diet Pepsi ads during the Super Bowl. And they'll tell you how grateful they are that the world isn't crazy any more.
And you'll tell them, "No, children. Don't thank me. Thank The Beer.com Man Card."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
wally2450
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Default RULES FOR YANKEES WHO MOVE TO THE SOUTH
- Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.
- Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, MariBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
- Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
- Southern women don't fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies.
- Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than an ACC or SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every week.
- Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot.
- Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit bitching, spend your money and go home.
- No, the state symbol of North Carolina is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is pissing us off too.
- Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
- Don't try to talk with a Southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe.
- Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry ass back home!
- We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
- If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
- Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
- If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
- Do not buy food at the movie store.
- If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
- People walk slower here.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
- The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
- Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
- Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.
- Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, MariBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
- Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
- Southern women don't fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies.
- Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than an ACC or SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every week.
- Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot.
- Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit bitching, spend your money and go home.
- No, the state symbol of North Carolina is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is pissing us off too.
- Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
- Don't try to talk with a Southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe.
- Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry ass back home!
- We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
- If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
- Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
- If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
- Do not buy food at the movie store.
- If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
- People walk slower here.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
- The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
- Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
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A girl was telling a boy friend that she realized she was very
popular, but she didn't know why. "Do you suppose it's my
complexion?" she asked. "No." "My figure?" "No." "My personality?"
"No." "I give up." "That's it."
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you?re doing it wrong. (Rodney
Dangerfield)
popular, but she didn't know why. "Do you suppose it's my
complexion?" she asked. "No." "My figure?" "No." "My personality?"
"No." "I give up." "That's it."
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you?re doing it wrong. (Rodney
Dangerfield)
wally2450
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Smart Kid
*A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
*A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
wally2450
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An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the
docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a
room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age. After a
couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies,
"Well sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three Knots?" He
asks. "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "you're knot hard,
you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
The 15-year-old daughter brought home a young Naval Aviator to meet
her parents. During dinner, the pilot happened to mention that he was
from Glen Burnie. The Mother said, "What a coincidence. My husband
and I lived there 18 years ago when we were first married." The pilot
got a strange look on his face and changed the topic of conversation.
The daughter fell strangely silent. After he left, the teen said,
"Thanks a lot, Mom. I told him I was 18. Now I'll have to tell him
that I was illegitimate."
docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a
room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age. After a
couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies,
"Well sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three Knots?" He
asks. "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "you're knot hard,
you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
The 15-year-old daughter brought home a young Naval Aviator to meet
her parents. During dinner, the pilot happened to mention that he was
from Glen Burnie. The Mother said, "What a coincidence. My husband
and I lived there 18 years ago when we were first married." The pilot
got a strange look on his face and changed the topic of conversation.
The daughter fell strangely silent. After he left, the teen said,
"Thanks a lot, Mom. I told him I was 18. Now I'll have to tell him
that I was illegitimate."
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date
when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea
about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're
the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he
asked. "No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me!"
when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea
about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're
the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he
asked. "No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me!"
wally2450
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old
blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance,
they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob
replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask.
"So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob
replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says,
"No, I told her I was 90."
4/
A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were
grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your
old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours.
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old
blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance,
they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob
replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask.
"So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob
replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says,
"No, I told her I was 90."
4/
A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were
grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your
old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours.
wally2450
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Little Pauly is telling his mother what he learned at Sunday school.
"Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to
the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the
people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved." "Now, Pauly, is that really what your teacher
taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the
way the teacher did, you'd *never* believe it!"
"Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to
the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the
people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved." "Now, Pauly, is that really what your teacher
taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the
way the teacher did, you'd *never* believe it!"
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
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Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you
and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well... not
exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect
of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg
and she rolls over and plays dead."
and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well... not
exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect
of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg
and she rolls over and plays dead."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends,
I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an
expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among
us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux
Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty
party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of
loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."
Woman calls 911: "I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do
those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there
[giggle]" "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?" "No, no, no.
It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have
an orgasm." "I'm sorry, did you say orgasm'?" "Yes. Am I doing them
right?" "Sounds like it to me."
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends,
I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an
expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among
us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux
Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty
party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of
loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."
Woman calls 911: "I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do
those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there
[giggle]" "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?" "No, no, no.
It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have
an orgasm." "I'm sorry, did you say orgasm'?" "Yes. Am I doing them
right?" "Sounds like it to me."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you
are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot
25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV..
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems.
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you
are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot
25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV..
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
…Like his mother used to do.
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
…Like his mother used to do.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to
him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do
us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something
that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well
Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have
one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have
little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to
him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do
us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something
that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well
Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have
one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have
little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
After dinner, Jill settled on the couch next to John and started
removing his clothes. Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were
going to make love. Afterward, John said, "That was very nice, but
why didn't you just say something?" Jill purred, "At dinner you said
you'd like a little piece and quiet around here sometimes."
removing his clothes. Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were
going to make love. Afterward, John said, "That was very nice, but
why didn't you just say something?" Jill purred, "At dinner you said
you'd like a little piece and quiet around here sometimes."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known
artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with one-carat diamond earrings, a large
2 carat diamond ring with baguettes... glimmering emerald bracelets, and
a beautiful, red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is
having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her,
and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with one-carat diamond earrings, a large
2 carat diamond ring with baguettes... glimmering emerald bracelets, and
a beautiful, red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is
having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her,
and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
