Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired
executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next-door
neighbor. "Since you are in bed with my wife," the furious man
shouted, "I'm going over and sleep with yours!" "Go right ahead," was
the reply. "The rest will do you good."
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments
(posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church i
n Gainesboro, TN.)
(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya
think? Y'all have a nice day.
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll screw her again!"
An Ohio teen has pleaded innocent to stealing his mother's credit
card to pay for a friend's breast enlargement surgery. "Police say
it's lucky they caught the guy quickly; otherwise, it may have turned
into a bigger bust."
What do you call a gay man who's had a vasectomy?
A seedless fruit.
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private
investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection.
That was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of
multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc., etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service". Can't
you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits
with jackets saying across their backs:
F. A. T. A. S. S.
The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land
Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics
Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage,
and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you
in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something." "Yes,
mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the
girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy
asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Not
that I know of," she answered. "Why?" "Well," he explained, "we've
been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly
hat to bed!"
A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in
New York City. He found a sales lady, and told her, "I
would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind
of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that
she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what
she means."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't
get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly
our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the
Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So,
what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army
bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps
them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked,
"So, what does the Jewish bra do?"
"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of
molehills."
1/ Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2/ Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3/ Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4/ For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5/ Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6/ Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
7/ It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8/ Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9/ Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10/ Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11/ Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
12/ The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13/ Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
14/ Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15/ It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
A keen country lad walks in applys for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world-you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, sir, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The next day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new 1999 Chevy Silverado 1/2 ton."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What's country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."
The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."
Copperfield
David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.
Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick.The man says "For this trick David I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer who I see is here tonight and I will also need a table."
He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and takes her from behind.
David Copperfield is horrified and says "That's not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "Maybe not for you but for me it's fucking magic."
A fellow drank with friends until they closed the bar.
He staggered home about 2 o'clock and was met at the
door by his wife. She was madder than heck and wanted
to know where he had been all night....
He said, "I have been bird watching!"
She said, "Bull sh*t! What kind of bird is out at this
time of night for you to watch??"
He said, "A double breasted, red-headed, mattress
thrasher!"
An anxious mother was lecturing her young daughter on the issue of
sex morality. "If you're ever tempted while out on a date," she
warned, "Don't forget to ask yourself this one question: Is one hour
of pleasure worth an entire lifetime of shame?" "Gee, Mom," asked the
girl, "How do you make it last an hour?"
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became
unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked the
Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very
embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached
cautiously down the back of her gown. "I'm terribly sorry," he said,
"but I can't seem to reach it." "Try further down," she said. At this
point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room
which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl,
"I feel such a perfect ass." "Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get
the necklace."
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659--CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I smiled."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to grin."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"Why are you in this particular line of work?" a sociology researcher
asked the massage parlor girl. "I'm trying to pay back this loan
shark named Paul something or other," she said. "So I'm literally
rubbing peters to pay Paul."
Her bountiful bosom heaving in chagrin, Susan confessed her tearful
tidings to her mother. "Mom," she said, "I'm pregnant." "Ye gods!"
screamed her mother. "Who is the father?" She lifted her weeping
face. "How should I know?" she wailed. "You never would let me go
steady."
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. Here" she said, "you must put it in here!"
Tarzan removed his loincloth...stepped closer with his huge manhood and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What in the Hell did you do that for?!"
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a
bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to
talk to his pastor. After the man explained his
situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he
could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or
early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.
"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find,
and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle
of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you
do have seem like forever."
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked,
"If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of
glucose Raising her hand again, the freshman female asked, "Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class
burst into laughter. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as
she realized exactly what she had inadvertently implied, she picked
up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, totally straight-faced the
professor answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the
taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the
back of your throat. Have a good day."