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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Jokes

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.



Next to a beautiful girl, sleep is the most wonderful thing in the
world.
 
INSTALLING HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --

Particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5 .

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support
 
Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws
you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?




GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.




FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?





GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.





FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?





GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.





FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.





GENERAL REINWALD:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?





The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines
 
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something..

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Jerry came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Jerry!"
 
Why is a diploma like a condom?
It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, it's worthless
the next day.



A girl said, "My last lover was so bad, he should have used amateurphylactics!"



I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a "Tested to British
Safety Standards" sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled... So was the
Titanic!!!
 
The divorcee was having a very difficult time getting across what she
wanted from her date. In a final attempt at seduction, she asked,
"Would you like to see where I was operated on for my appendicitis?"
"God, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
 
Who's the most popular guy at a nude beach?
The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and seven donuts.
Who's the most popular girl at a nude beach?
The girl who can eat the seventh donut.
 
A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and
glossy. The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out
panties and he used these to polish his car with. Being a bachelor,
he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at
the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Wendy, what do you do with
your panties when you wear them out?" Why," she replied demurely, "If
I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again!"
 
A cocktail party is an affair where a mans gets stiff, a woman gets
tight, and they return home to find that neither is either.
 
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991"

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, and someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher asked "Who said that?"

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006."
 
Mrs. Harrison was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly," she
said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her
hair." "What do you mean?" the beautician asked. "Well, I overheard
her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped
she'd be bald soon."
 
CYNICS GUIDE TO LIFE

- The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.


- I believe for every drop of rain that falls,
a flower grows. And a foundation leaks
and a ball game gets rained out and a car
rusts and...


- Follow your dream! Unless it's the one
where you're at work in your underwear
during a fire drill.


- Do not walk behind me, for I may not
lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may
not follow. Do not walk beside me, either;
just leave me alone.


- If you don't like my driving, don't call
anyone. Just take another road. That's
why the highway department made so
many of them.


- It's always darkest before dawn. So if
you're going to steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.


- A handy telephone tip: Keep a small
chalkboard near the phone. That way,
when a salesman calls, you can hold
the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.


- Into every life some rain must fall.
Usually when your car windows are
down.


- It's a small world. So you gotta use your
elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and
your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper
than plastic surgery.


- This land is your land. This land is my
land. So stay on your land.
 
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He
walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blond woman behind the
wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said,
"I'm going to give you a Breathalyzer test to determine if you are
under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he
walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he
returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of
stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
 
QUICK JOKE

It was a simpler time back then.
We were so easily entertained.
We would watch anything on TV.
We'd watch a flying nun;
we'd watch a talking horse.
We are so much more sophisticated now,
watching people eat bugs and
marry strangers for money.
 
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
essays. These excerpts are published each year for the amusement of
teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse, without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way
a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots
when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she
was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from
stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up
 
Succulent-one said:
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
essays. These excerpts are published each year for the amusement of
teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse, without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way
a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots
when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she
was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from
stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up
Click to expand...

lmao!
 
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me
one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms
with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the
farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is
for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you
mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "my wife's got a bug up her ass and
I'm a goin' huntin' for it. Like I said, I want me one of them condoms
with PESTICIDE on it!"
 
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