Lorelei_11
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wally2450 said:
Were you visiting someone on the island? or just there on shore leave?
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
Were you visiting someone on the island? or just there on shore leave?
wally2450
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Management Lesson
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage,
started his bus, and drove off along the route. No
problems for the first few stops - a few people got
on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging
down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin,
and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't
argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The
next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again,
made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the
next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep
over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for
body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good
stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on
the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the
bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and
screamed, "And why not? "
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied,
"Big John has a bus pass ."
Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the
first place before working hard to solve one."
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage,
started his bus, and drove off along the route. No
problems for the first few stops - a few people got
on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging
down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin,
and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't
argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The
next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again,
made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the
next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep
over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for
body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good
stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on
the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the
bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and
screamed, "And why not? "
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied,
"Big John has a bus pass ."
Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the
first place before working hard to solve one."
wally2450
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Lorelei_11
Its me
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wally2450 said:Shore leave/liberty. No, I didn't know anyone there.
The local ladies really liked the uniform too as I fondly recall...
There is something about a man in uniform. Although, it just adds a bit of something for me. Have to have a great guy first. The uniform doesn't do a whole lot for me, just a little.
I'd be no fun for guys on shore leave hey?
wally2450
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Golf
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Kurt stood on
the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled
out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came
running up to him, crying.
"You b*stard !" she screamed in his face. "You lousy
no-good G~d damn stinking b*stard!"
"What's your problem, Mattie?" he calmly replied. "I
distinctly told you only if it rained."
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Kurt stood on
the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled
out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came
running up to him, crying.
"You b*stard !" she screamed in his face. "You lousy
no-good G~d damn stinking b*stard!"
"What's your problem, Mattie?" he calmly replied. "I
distinctly told you only if it rained."
Succulent-one
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Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Army. What did they say if you came in late there?"
They said, "Good morning, General."
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Army. What did they say if you came in late there?"
They said, "Good morning, General."
wally2450
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Inebriated man
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and,
after staring for some time at the only woman seated
at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and
slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry,.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!"
she screamed.
"That's really odd," he muttered, "You even sound
exactly like her."
Alabama woman
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about
sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.
As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous
about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety
aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and
let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do. The
honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as
she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him
on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my
husband's legs called?"
"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end
of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called
the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last
question doctor, what are those two big round things
about 12-14 inches behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband,
ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass."
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and,
after staring for some time at the only woman seated
at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and
slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry,.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!"
she screamed.
"That's really odd," he muttered, "You even sound
exactly like her."
Alabama woman
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about
sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.
As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous
about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety
aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and
let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do. The
honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as
she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him
on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my
husband's legs called?"
"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end
of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called
the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last
question doctor, what are those two big round things
about 12-14 inches behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband,
ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass."
wally2450
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Pianist
A pianist in an intimate and dimly lit club couldn't
help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace
on a love seat right in front of the piano.
They were rather distracting, but finally they came up
for air long enough to make a breathless request. "Uh,
could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," he agreed. "Just let me know when you're
through."
A pianist in an intimate and dimly lit club couldn't
help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace
on a love seat right in front of the piano.
They were rather distracting, but finally they came up
for air long enough to make a breathless request. "Uh,
could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," he agreed. "Just let me know when you're
through."
Succulent-one
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Senior Citizens Bus Trip
A senior citizens' group charters a bus ! from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"
A senior citizens' group charters a bus ! from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"
wally2450
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wally2450
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A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and
says, "Are you Joe Smith?" The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith." He
says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?" The fellow takes out a
little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was
in Chicago in early June." "Did you stay at the Hyatt?" The guy looks
through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?" The fellow checks his notebook and says,
"Yes, I was in room 1368." The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Adams
who stayed in room 1369?" The guy looks in his book again, hmmms and
says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Adams who stayed in 1369." The guy says, "And
did you have an affair with Mrs. Adams?" The fellow scans his
notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Adams." The guy
says, "Well, I'm Mr. Adams and I don't like it!" Again the fellow
looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right, I didn't
like it either."
says, "Are you Joe Smith?" The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith." He
says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?" The fellow takes out a
little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was
in Chicago in early June." "Did you stay at the Hyatt?" The guy looks
through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?" The fellow checks his notebook and says,
"Yes, I was in room 1368." The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Adams
who stayed in room 1369?" The guy looks in his book again, hmmms and
says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Adams who stayed in 1369." The guy says, "And
did you have an affair with Mrs. Adams?" The fellow scans his
notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Adams." The guy
says, "Well, I'm Mr. Adams and I don't like it!" Again the fellow
looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right, I didn't
like it either."
wally2450
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A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the
main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman
for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the
jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child
around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a
painful birth process. This is my child and a part of me." The jury
is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man
replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a
drink comes out. Now tell me, who does the drink belong to: me or the
machine?"
main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman
for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the
jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child
around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a
painful birth process. This is my child and a part of me." The jury
is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man
replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a
drink comes out. Now tell me, who does the drink belong to: me or the
machine?"
wally2450
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wally2450
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
wally2450
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Gold Digger
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
wally2450
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A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he
stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You
aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd
better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife,
clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to
answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world
are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."
stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You
aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd
better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife,
clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to
answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world
are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."
wally2450
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wally2450
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Christian Lady
There's a little old Christian lady living
next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto
her front porch and shouts. . .
"Praise the Lord!"
The atheist then yells back,
"There is no God!"
She does this every morning
with the same result. As time
goes on, the lady runs into
financial difficulties and has
trouble buying food. She
goes out onto the porch and
asks God for help with her
groceries, then says. . .
"Praise the Lord!"
The next morning she goes
out onto the porch and there's
the groceries she's asked for.
So, of course, she says. .
"Praise the Lord!"
The atheist jumps out from
behind a bush and says,
"Ha! I bought those groceries --
there is no God."
The lady looks at him and smiles.
She then shouts. . .
"Praise the Lord, not only did
you provide for me Lord, you
made Satan pay for my groceries!"
There's a little old Christian lady living
next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto
her front porch and shouts. . .
"Praise the Lord!"
The atheist then yells back,
"There is no God!"
She does this every morning
with the same result. As time
goes on, the lady runs into
financial difficulties and has
trouble buying food. She
goes out onto the porch and
asks God for help with her
groceries, then says. . .
"Praise the Lord!"
The next morning she goes
out onto the porch and there's
the groceries she's asked for.
So, of course, she says. .
"Praise the Lord!"
The atheist jumps out from
behind a bush and says,
"Ha! I bought those groceries --
there is no God."
The lady looks at him and smiles.
She then shouts. . .
"Praise the Lord, not only did
you provide for me Lord, you
made Satan pay for my groceries!"
wally2450
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wally2450
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Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"
His mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours."
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"
His mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours."
wally2450
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Succulent-one
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Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had
slept over, and two claimed that he was still there!
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had
slept over, and two claimed that he was still there!
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 17, 2003
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- 4,656
Why my lips stayed chapped on Mother's Day: So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old, and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So, finally, one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done. Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and trying to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now, if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old, and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So, finally, one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done. Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and trying to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now, if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
