Jokes

[SweetSassyVixen]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

 

[wally2450]

Boy
A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner. "Mom,
I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?"

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"

"No thanks, just the cider."

So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.

About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again
asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to
question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him
leave happy.


Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of
cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her
curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing
why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son
sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.


"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks.


"Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a
prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

 

[2sunshine]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

 

[wally2450]

Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They had just finished a
wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home.

The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes
and said, "Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you're the first girl I have
ever loved."

"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"



Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband
collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting
you off forever."

"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting
it."

 

[Lorelei_11]

Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband
collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting
you off forever."

"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting
it."

*laughing*

I always liked Rodney Dangerfield. I don't get no respect, no respect! He seemed like such a good guy.

 

[wally2450]

*laughing*

I always liked Rodney Dangerfield. I don't get no respect, no respect! He seemed like such a good guy.

Yep. He and R. Pryor were two of my favorites!

 

[Lorelei_11]

Yep. He and R. Pryor were two of my favorites!

I like Robin Williams. I think he's hot. I have a dvd of him here, I've never seen him do a show. I haven't been in the mood for comedy, or even a funny movie in a long time. To many life problems.

 

[wally2450]

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his
buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young
wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a
performance! "Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave
my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. "Well,
being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited
quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any
longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened
her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a
rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a
performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

 

[wally2450]

An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and
was in animated conversations with a lovely young thing wearing a
great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing. It was only
a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that his
wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching him
with a steely glare. Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my
dear, that young lady over there and I were just indulging in a
purely professional consultation." "So I can well imagine." said his
wife icily, "but was it your profession, or hers?"

 

[2sunshine]

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what are you doing!?!'' The man turned toward the teller and simply said ''Looking around.''

 

[wally2450]

Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car......
"I wish my wife was this dirty!"

Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes...... However,
having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes ...... So smokers ... Screw for
your lives!

Q. How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
A. Stick two fingers in his honey.

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and
says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes." The wife
replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

 

[Lorelei_11]

Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car......
"I wish my wife was this dirty!"

Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes...... However,
having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes ...... So smokers ... Screw for
your lives!

Q. How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
A. Stick two fingers in his honey.

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and
says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes." The wife
replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

I was already laughing watching John Force take his family on a camping trip. He's a drag race car driver, funny cars. Anyway, your post made me laugh too.

I already knew I needed more sex, or even some sex for gawds sake!

So, whats it like where you are in Indiana Wally? Hows it been going?

 

[wally2450]

The father telling a family friend about his daughter's newly-
assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard: she works on a cutter that
escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges
in California's Bay Area. But what her father told his friend was,
"She's involved in some sort of escort service."

 

[wally2450]

I was already laughing watching John Force take his family on a camping trip. He's a drag race car driver, funny cars. Anyway, your post made me laugh too.

I already knew I needed more sex, or even some sex for gawds sake!

So, whats it like where you are in Indiana Wally? Hows it been going?

It's going ok. Be much better when my DSL service starts! Visited Victoria BC back in '84 when my sub pulled in. What a beautiful place. I must visit Canada again.

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/145569.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Redneck father and son
There was a redneck father and son who were always in competition
with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a
university. He wanted to major in medicine.

A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the
dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a
lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I
got a score of 75%. It wasn't
good enough to get accepted," the boy replied. "Well in that I better
take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he
went.

A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the
dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot
of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got all
wrong but one." "Gee, Dad.
Which question was that?"

"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you
come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Oh, hell", said the father, " I got that one wrong as well."

 

[Lorelei_11]

It's going ok. Be much better when my DSL service starts! Visited Victoria BC back in '84 when my sub pulled in. What a beautiful place. I must visit Canada again.

I can't figure out what you mean by, when your sub pulled in, you visited Victoria?

Yes, B.C is very nice. I've lived in alberta for a couple of years, but most of my life in B.C.

 

[wally2450]

I like Robin Williams. I think he's hot. I have a dvd of him here, I've never seen him do a show. I haven't been in the mood for comedy, or even a funny movie in a long time. To many life problems.

Did you see 'Good Morning Vietnam'
One of my favorites!

 

[wally2450]

I can't figure out what you mean by, when your sub pulled in, you visited Victoria?

Yes, B.C is very nice. I've lived in alberta for a couple of years, but most of my life in B.C.

I volunteered for submarine duty when I went into the Navy. We pulled into Victoria or somewhere quite close for two days and then went to the Trident sub base where we tied that sub up for the last time.

 

[wally2450]

Classy insults...
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Winston Churchill

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."

Abraham Lincoln

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

Winston Churchill, in reply

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about..."

Winston Churchill about Clement Atlee

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy."

Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

Oscar Wilde

 

[Lorelei_11]

Did you see 'Good Morning Vietnam'
One of my favorites!

Yes, I have, and its a favorite of mine too. I've seen it 3 times. I loved Robin Williams in "Patch Adams* and it was a true story. Let me think, "What Dreams May Come." What was that one where he was a Russian? Moscow on the Hudson?

I think he's cool, and sexy. and funny.

Oh.. so when you say sub, you mean submarine?

 

[wally2450]

Yes, I have, and its a favorite of mine too. I've seen it 3 times. I loved Robin Williams in "Patch Adams* and it was a true story. Let me think, "What Dreams May Come." What was that one where he was a Russian? Moscow on the Hudson?

I think he's cool, and sexy. and funny.

Oh.. so when you say sub, you mean submarine?

Yep, the decommissioning run of the USS George Washington SSBN-598
http://www.fas.org/nuke/guide/usa/slbm/ssbn-598.htm

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/145570.jpg