Jokes

[wally2450]

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."



"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

 

[wally2450]

Redneck

A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas were visit-
ing the city and they were in a mall for the first time
in their lives. The father and son were strolling around
while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost every-
thing they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “Paw, what’s at?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
“Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in
my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous
24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son, “Boy………………go git cha Momma……………

 

[Succulent-one]

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
H e's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this
Little Davie said, "Well .. every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the
Bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

 

[Succulent-one]

10 dumbest resume blunders
Fortune Magazine
4-26-07

Having trouble finding a new job? Cheer up. When it comes to resumes, a new survey reveals just how clueless some of your competition is.

You've worked hard on your resume, trying to squeeze all your experience in and make yourself stand out from the crowd, and chances are you've done a pretty good job. But even if your resume isn't perfect, it's unlikely to include any real howlers.

Not everybody can say that. Job site CareerBuilders.com recently asked pollsters Harris Interactive to survey hiring managers and find out the wackiest resume items they've seen lately. Out of 2,627 responses, here are the top ten:

1. ... attached a letter from her mother.

2. ... used pale blue paper with teddy bears printed around the border.

3. ... explained a three-month gap in employment by saying that he was getting over the death of his cat.

4. ... specified that his availability to work Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays is limited because the weekends are "drinking time."

5. ... included a picture of herself in a cheerleading uniform.

6. ... drew a picture of a car on the outside of the envelope and said the car would be a gift to the hiring manager.

7. ... listed hobbies that included sitting on a levee at night watching alligators.

8. ... mentioned the fact that her sister had once won a strawberry-eating contest.

9. ... stated that he works well in the nude.

10. ... explained an arrest record by stating, "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig."

Feel better now?

 

[wally2450]

Actual Country Music Titles


1.. All I Want From You (Is Away)

2.. All My Exes Live In Texas

3.. All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down

4.. Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?

5.. Are You Drinking With Me Jesus?

6.. Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord?

7.. At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump

8.. Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreen's and I Cried All the
Way to Sears

9.. Bubba Shot The Jukebox

10.. Bubba's Inconvenience Store

11.. Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against
the Grain

12.. Cow Cow Blues

13.. Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)

14.. Cow Cow Strut

15.. Did I Shave my Legs for This? by Deana Carter

16.. Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.

17.. Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a
Load!

18.. Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind

19.. Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel
That Leather When I Ride

20.. Don't Squeeze My Sharmon.

21.. Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)

22.. Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)

23.. Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat

24.. Get Off the Table, Mabel

25.. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The
Bed.

26.. Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah

27.. Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

28.. Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.

29.. Hand me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance

30.. Her Only Bad Habit Is Me

31.. Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)

32.. High Cost of Low Living

33.. Hold On To Your Men..Cause she's Single Again

34.. How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from
Under Me

35.. How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away

36.. How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You,
When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

37.. How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

38.. How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?

39.. I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me

40.. I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home

41.. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

42.. I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My
Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car

43.. I Don't Do Floors

44.. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

45.. I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me

46.. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

47.. I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart

48.. I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed
Me With A Spade

49.. I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/143688.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the
slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with, Coverage from the womb
to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the
worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up
the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the
resurrection."

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief.

How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while? Asked the paleface.

The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"

"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." Said the paleface.

"A bag of corn huh." Replied the chief.

The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman there into my teepee." He said.

So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."

The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying, "This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her ass saying, "This corn hole."

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him," she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

Blonde 911

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb, and one of them calls 911...

Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."

Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"

Blonde: "Yes."

Operator: "The power in the house in on?"

Blonde: "Of course."

Operator: "And the switch is on?"

Blonde: "Yes, yes."

Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"

Blonde: "No, it's working fine."

Operator: "Then what's the problem?"

Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves."

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

The Joys of Womanhood

When I was 16, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a boy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a boy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting boy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything. He did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a boy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious boy with his feet planted firmly on the ground so I moved in with him. He was so ambitious that he dumped me and took everything I owned.

I am older now and am looking for a guy with a very big dick.

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

Dumb and Ugly

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

The 10 Most Important People In A Woman's Life

10) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

9) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."

8) The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."

7) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

6) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

5) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."

4) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

3) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

2) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

1) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny's parents were having a party at their house. One of
the guests was observing Little Johnny, who would hold his chest
whenever he bent down.

After a few minutes, the woman asked Little Johnny, "Why do you hold
your chest whenever you bend down?"

Little Johnny said, "It is to keep my lungs from falling out. One day
my teacher was writing on the board, and the chalk fell down. When
she bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs come right out of
her chest!"

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/144113.jpg

 

[wally2450]

There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the
man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck he couldn't
move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude
beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she
managed to reach over the front seat with her leg and honk the horn.
A big crowd gathered, all enjoying the free show.

Some women volunteers served them coffee through the window while
others worked to free them. Finally firemen cut away the car frame.
The 250 pound man was lifted out and the woman, sobbing was helped
out of the car, too.

The ambulance driver tried to calm her down telling her the man would
be fine, but she was so upset. She said she was worried about how
she was going to explain to her husband what happened to his car!

 

[wally2450]

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an
hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's standard of
living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had
signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk
for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed
most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red
brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President
with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The
proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs about how they
came to select the new name given to the President. They explained
that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can
no longer fly.

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/144385.gif

 

[wally2450]

Diplomacy with the police

My brother's psychology professor, a Yankee's Yankee and a feminist's feminist, tells the following story on herself to illustrate that doctorates don't necessarily make you smart.

She was driving to a workshop in Atlanta from her home in Ohio. It was about 10 am, and she'd been driving the entire preceding day and night herself, and she was consequently not in the best of tempers as she searched for a motel in which to crash.

A Georgia state policeman pulled her over, got out of his cruiser, swaggered up to her driver's window, bent down, and drawled, "Lookie here, darlin',"--uh oh, everybody duck--"Lookie here, darlin', nobody blows through Georgia that fast."

Said the feminist Yankee overtired psychology professor: "Sherman did."

She says he was not satisfied merely to give her a speeding ticket; he made her follow him fifty miles out of her way to Nowheresburg, GA, and wait at the police station until three in the afternoon for a circuit judge to arrive so that he could explain to her why it wasn't the best idea in the world to be impolite to policemen, who were after all interested only in creating the safest possible environment for everybody including her, etc. etc. The lecture went on for about two hours, she says, after which she was released to drive the fifty miles back to her route and resume her search for someplace to crash.

True story--anyway, that's what my brother said.

 

[Lorelei_11]

Things weren't going too well for the husband business-
wise and he got his wife an imitation tennis bracelet,
instead of the real one she wanted for their anniversary.
"I hope you understand sweetheart, but you can pretend
it's real."

"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed, you can
pretend I'm there under you."

I needed a laugh, thanks.

 

[wally2450]

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick accent)

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later of naughty fun, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit