Jokes
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wally2450
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wally2450
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The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to have
to give up analysis." "But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?" "Yes,
a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to
lying down for a guy and then having then having to pay HIM."
to give up analysis." "But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?" "Yes,
a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to
lying down for a guy and then having then having to pay HIM."
wally2450
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Succulent-one
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THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
wally2450
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Succulent-one
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THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
wally2450
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Default Historic Moment
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
----------------------------------------------------------------
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
===============================================
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
Somehow the woman looks familiar.
You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options:
You can save the life of Hillary Clinton
or
you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women (in her mind, at least)
===============================================
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer......
"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"
I think I would use the black and white to capture the historical event personally.
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
----------------------------------------------------------------
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
===============================================
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
Somehow the woman looks familiar.
You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options:
You can save the life of Hillary Clinton
or
you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women (in her mind, at least)
===============================================
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer......
"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"
I think I would use the black and white to capture the historical event personally.
wally2450
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"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the
man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!"
demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in
a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."
man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!"
demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in
a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."
wally2450
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wally2450
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed," Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed," Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
wally2450
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wally2450
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"Senile?"
A couple are celebrating their fiftieth
wedding anniversary-they go down to
their old school-there, in a corner, they
hold hands as they find their old desk
where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On the way home, a bag of money falls
out of the armored car in front of them.
She picks it up and counts fifty thousand
dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give
it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And
when they get home she hides it in
the attic.
The next day, two FBI men show up
at their home. They say,"Pardon me,
did any one in this house find any
money that fell out of an armored
car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "My wife is lying,
she took the money and hid it in the
attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit
senile."
So they sit the man down and begin to
question him. The FBI guy says, "Tell
us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, my wife and I
were on our way home from school..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says,
"Let's get the hell out of here."
A couple are celebrating their fiftieth
wedding anniversary-they go down to
their old school-there, in a corner, they
hold hands as they find their old desk
where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On the way home, a bag of money falls
out of the armored car in front of them.
She picks it up and counts fifty thousand
dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give
it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And
when they get home she hides it in
the attic.
The next day, two FBI men show up
at their home. They say,"Pardon me,
did any one in this house find any
money that fell out of an armored
car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "My wife is lying,
she took the money and hid it in the
attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit
senile."
So they sit the man down and begin to
question him. The FBI guy says, "Tell
us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, my wife and I
were on our way home from school..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says,
"Let's get the hell out of here."
Succulent-one
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SENIORS' Prenuptual Agreement
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: T hat's fine with me.
She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me . . . put me down for Friday.
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: T hat's fine with me.
She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me . . . put me down for Friday.
wally2450
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The Monkey And The Car Crash!
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
DerelictionOfSanity
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Two women at a potluck were standing over a big pan of baked beans. The were talking about the fellow who had brought it and one of them mentionned that the man usually brought peach cobbler and how good it always was. The other one exclaimed that she absolutely adored peach cobbler and wasn't it a shame that he hadn't brought any. They then moved on to other topics of conversation.
About five minutes later, an older woman whose hearing was none too good, helped herself to a generous serving of the baked beans and took a big forkful right before spitting it out and hollering at the top of her lungs: "This is the WORST peach cobbler I've ever tasted."
About five minutes later, an older woman whose hearing was none too good, helped herself to a generous serving of the baked beans and took a big forkful right before spitting it out and hollering at the top of her lungs: "This is the WORST peach cobbler I've ever tasted."
wally2450
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Twins-She could be blond
The young girl was seated in her doctor's office.
"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the
physician, "and there is every indication that you are
going to have twins."
"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've
never been out on a double date in my life!"
The young girl was seated in her doctor's office.
"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the
physician, "and there is every indication that you are
going to have twins."
"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've
never been out on a double date in my life!"
wally2450
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Things weren't going too well for the husband business-
wise and he got his wife an imitation tennis bracelet,
instead of the real one she wanted for their anniversary.
"I hope you understand sweetheart, but you can pretend
it's real."
"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed, you can
pretend I'm there under you."
wise and he got his wife an imitation tennis bracelet,
instead of the real one she wanted for their anniversary.
"I hope you understand sweetheart, but you can pretend
it's real."
"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed, you can
pretend I'm there under you."
wally2450
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wally2450
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wally2450
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Things You'll Never Hear A Father Say
* Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to
stop and ask for directions.
* You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be
ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
* I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
attitude. I like that in a young person!
* Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO
CRAZY!
* What do you mean you want to play football? Figure
skating not good enough for you, son?
* Your mother and I are going away for while. You might
want to consider throwing a party.
* Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably
one of those doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes
it run or something. Just have it towed to the mechanic's
and pay whatever they ask.
* No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
an earring. Now quit your belly aching and lets get to the
mall.
* Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of
money for you to spend.
* Father's Day? Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big
deal.
* Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to
stop and ask for directions.
* You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be
ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
* I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
attitude. I like that in a young person!
* Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO
CRAZY!
* What do you mean you want to play football? Figure
skating not good enough for you, son?
* Your mother and I are going away for while. You might
want to consider throwing a party.
* Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably
one of those doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes
it run or something. Just have it towed to the mechanic's
and pay whatever they ask.
* No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
an earring. Now quit your belly aching and lets get to the
mall.
* Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of
money for you to spend.
* Father's Day? Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big
deal.
