Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Canadian Retirement Plan

A retired gentleman went to the CPP office to apply for his pension.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind
the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.He
told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his
wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his
CPP application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience
at the CPP office.

And she said,...."You should have dropped your pants, you might have
gotten disability too."

 

[Succulent-one]

New Element

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
"Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant
neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take
over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a
second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay,
but, instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity
is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed with money
Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just
as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many
morons.

 

[Succulent-one]

Subject: Veterinarian


"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I
give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a
living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does
he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas
and one in Reno."

 

[Succulent-one]

Great philosophy...

I love it!


1. I don't do windows because...
I love birds and don't want one to run into
a clean window and get hurt.
(I am compassionate)

2. I don't wax floors because...
I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves,
I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.
(I am careful and poor)

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because...
they are very good company,
I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
(I am imaginative)

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because... I want every creature
to have a home of their own and my family loves spiders.
(I am kind)

5. I don't Spring Clean because...
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
(I am fair minded)

6. I don't plant a garden because...
I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.
(I am courteous)

7. I don't put things away because...
my family will never be able to find them again.
(I am considerate)

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make
when they invite me over for dinner.
(I am thoughtful)

9. I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when
they say "Permanent Press".
(I am trusting)

10. I don't stress much on anything because...
"A-Type" personalities die young and I want to stick
around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!
(I am winning this battle)

 

[midwestyankee]

Subject: Veterinarian


"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I
give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a
living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does
he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas
and one in Reno."

...and I'll bet there isn't a dog in either place.

 

[Succulent-one]

The Story of My Life ...

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced
me and took everything I owned.

Now I am older and wiser and i'm looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[Succulent-one]

Having a bad day !!!

A little guy is sitting at the bar looking at his drink for half an hour when a big trouble-making truck driver walks in and sits next to him, grabs his drink, and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on little man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver, "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept. I was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. I found my wife in bed with the mail man so I came to this bar to put an end to my miserable life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

 

[Succulent-one]

Mathematician...


Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

 

[---E---]

Paddy, Micheal and Ryan O'Shea are sitting around the table in thier local pub in Ireland, when with a raise of their glasses, they toast. "And with that it's decieded," the oldest O'Shea says, " we olny have enough money for one of us to go to America. So Paddy it's you! We will all work until there is enough money for Ryan to come and I will come last." So with a final toast of Guiness Paddy is off to America.
Once there Paddy finds a job and a home and a local pub. Every Friday Paddy stops at the pub and orders three Guiness, drinks them down, orders another three, drinks them and leaves.
After four weeks of this the bartender, who by now knows Paddy says, "Paddy I don't know the pub where your from, but here in America you can order one at time, there is no worries, when your glass empties I will pour another."
Paddy replies, "No you don't understand when I left Ireland I promised me brothers that every Friday I would stop at the pub and order three pints. Two for my brothers and one for myself as we did at home. And every Friday in Ireland they would do the same. So every Friday I order for Micheal, Ryan and myself and at home that do the same."
The bartender apologized and said he couldn't wait to met the next O'Shea.
Weeks went by and every Friday Paddy ordered 3 Guiness, then 3 more, then left. Then one day Paddy strolled in and ordered 2 Guiness. The bartender thought it quit odd, but not wanting to pry didn't question Paddy. Then Paddy orders 2 more, drank them and left.
Well the next Friday arrives and Paddy walks in and again orders 2 Guiness. The bartender, fearing the worst and feeling horrible, says, "Paddy I'm sorry for your brother who passed."
Paddy replies in shock, "MY BROTHER WHO PASSED?" And with that Paddy burst into tears and sobs, "How did ya know?"
The bartender replies saddly, "Well for weeks you come in here and order a beer for Ryan, a beer for Micheal and one for yourself, but the last two we all noticed you only order two and drink in silence, then leave."
Paddy's tears suddenly turn to laughter and he says, " No, no Liam, I order one for Micheal and one for Ryan, but I quit drinking for lent!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend:
"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached
the old man and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but
we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it
is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said:

"I thought it was a fart...........but I was wrong."

 

[Succulent-one]

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

[cymbline]

A father and son went hunting together, for the first time.
The father said "Stay here and be very QUIET, I'll be across the
field." A little while later, the father heard a blood curdling scream
and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked.
"I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake
slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my
neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't
cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the
poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my
pant legs ! and said, 'Shou ld we eat them here or take them with us?'
Well ... I guess,I just panicked."

 

[ffreak]

God, I've missed this thread - great jokes and I love both your wonderful avatars, cymbaline and succulent one. You keep me in stiches with your jokes and drooling with your avatars. Keep up the good work

 

[butterfly_rosen]

I love this one

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit,buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit,sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.

 

[ffreak]

Now, that's some good shit!

(couldn't resist)

 

[carrie-on]

Now, that's some good shit!

(couldn't resist)

LOL and here I was thinking it was FUNNY shit!

 

[Succulent-one]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning
jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at
his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much
energy. The 87-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every
day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great
stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he
was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you
get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows
about this Italian bread thing but me."

 

[Toadlee]

Same for me

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As
he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich..."What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40
please."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come into the restaurant again
and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich
says, "I'll have the same."

Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter the restaurant
again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,"
says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
comes to $18.62."

Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir,
how
do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
product every time?"

"Well," answers the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it to clean it off, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. "My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there."

"That's brilliant," says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir....what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

[Succulent-one]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

 

[Succulent-one]

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
From employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
Through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If
you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course,
Please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you
get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they
don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you
are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL
OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people, who need S.H.I.T in their life,
Just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had
their fill of S.H.I.T.

Thank you for your time. !
Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

 

[carrie-on]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The
doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to
start writing things down
to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man
gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" she
asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd
better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of
ice cream with
strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down,
I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the
kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the
kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says -
"Where's my toast?"

 

[carrie-on]

Letter of Appreciation

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you
have in Tide detergent !
I've used it all through my married life,
as my Mom always told me it was the
best!

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to berate me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a
pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up
with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried
to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but
it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased
a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative,and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains
came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the
detectives who came by yesterday told me that the
DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then
my attorney called and said that I would no longer
be considered a suspect in the disappearance
of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad
enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you,
once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the
Hefty bag people!!!

 

[carrie-on]

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who where fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George W. said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in
TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by this and said,"But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

 

[Succulent-one]

In Bridgewater, VA, a little boy was walking down a dirt road after church
one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little
girl coming from the other direction. "Hello," said the little boy . "Hi,"
replied the little girl. "Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,"
answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from
church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl.
"Which church do you go to?"

I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the
little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that
they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had
partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across
to the other side without getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my
Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the
little boy. "I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm
gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same
thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting
their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their
clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know , I never
did realize before just how much difference there really is between a
Baptist and a Catholic."