Jokes

[Joey3308]

STRANGE SEX LAWS

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror. (Makes you hope you never need surgery!)

3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)

5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England
- but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam, though!!)

 

[Spare_Change]

THINGS YOU NEVER SAY TO A NAKED MAN

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

 

[Joey3308]

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his
wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW"! were heard.

A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised"

 

[veryblueeyes]

LMAO!!!! That's a good one...

 

[Joey3308]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the
evening. They turned on a night light, turned the
answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned
the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave
their house. The cat they had put out into the yard
scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the
taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, husband in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver
to know the house will be empty for the night. She
explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be
out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to
my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke
her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She
tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I
had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The taxi driver hit a parked car.

 

[biggbear8]

This will bring smiles to your face! I think!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WARNING
> > The following may be a bit too spicy for some tastes.
> > If jokes about things sexual give you heartburn, please,
> > hit the DELETE button NOW.
> >
> >
> > Definitions (SEX)
> >
> > SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
> > Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
> > "Oh, nothing special.I'm having Social Security sex."
> > "Social Security sex?"
> > "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but
> > not enough to live on!"
> >
> > LOUD SEX:
> > A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
> > problem, doctor." Every time we're in bed &my husband climaxes,
> >he lets out this ear splitting yell."
> > "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't
> >see what the problem is?"
> > "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes ME UP!
> >
> > QUIET SEX:
> > Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked
> > his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never
> >tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and
>replied,
> >"You're never home!
> >
> > CONFOUNDED SEX:
> > A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled
> >and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
> > that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
> > but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it
> > was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would
> > be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for medium and $14,000 for
> > "large."
> > The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor
> >urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made
> > any decision. The man called his wife on the doctor's phone
> > and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room,
> >and found the man looking dejected.
> > "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The
> >man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
> >
> > WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
> >
> > A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
> >40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm
getting
> >you a headstone that reads:
> > 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
> > "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
> > headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
> >
> > WOMEN'S HUMOR:
> > My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
> > "This will make you happy tonight." He was right.
> > When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the
> >doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
> >
> > SENIOR CITIZEN SEX:
> >
> > One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo
> > to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman.
> > She became violent and ended up pushing him off the
> > balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing
> > him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, The
> >judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She
began
> >coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have
>sex...he
> >could fly too!"
> >
> >
> >

 

[Joey3308]

A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of all the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.

The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest.

The wife picked up the card and read it to him:

"Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

 

[Succulent-one]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,"
the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says,
"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"



"Because you got an F in sex."

 

[Succulent-one]

Instead of a Nursing Home


There will be no nursing home in my future........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.



2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

 

[Succulent-one]

Happy New & Good Bye to 2004!


I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past year.


Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.


Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to


put "Under God" on their cans.


I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .


I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.


I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!


I will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.


I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin twice removed.


Happy New Year!

 

[Succulent-one]

Subject: Court Ruling


A seven year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.

The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Dallas Cowboys this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[Joey3308]

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phonecalls
from all the other guys I'm seeing)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the
same building)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating
you)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about
all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective
thing)



Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Guys

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly)
3.I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly)

 

[Joey3308]

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his
head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help.
First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....

The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”

 

[Succulent-one]

Norman and his wife live in Cleveland. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, " Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item.

Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine",said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing.

She said: "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

 

[Succulent-one]

Good Advice from Maxine



People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

 

[Joey3308]

Strange Sex Facts
*Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

*Taco Bell changed the Chilito's name to the Chili Cheese Burrito, only
after discovering that "chilito" was a derogatory slang term in Spanish that
meant "small penis."

*In many cultures, an unmarried woman is considered a virgin, even if she's
a prostitute. It's only after marriage that she loses her virginity.

*A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city
streets.

*Studies prove it¹s harder to tell a convincing lie to someone you find
sexually attractive.

*66% pet owners claim they allowed their pets to remain in the bedroom
during lovemaking.

*"Anorgasmy" is the clinical term for the inability to achieve orgasm.

*Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200.
Average speed of male ejaculation: 28 miles per hour.

*About 50% of women have one breast that is larger than the other.

*Ancient Greeks admired the small firm penis, and considered the large
member aesthetically unappealing.

*The word "vanilla" comes from the Latin word for vagina, because of the
vanilla pod's resemblance to the female genitalia.

*The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right, although the reverse
may be true of left-handed men.

 

[veryblueeyes]

> DEAR ABBY,
> My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs
> up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month. If I
> try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing
> his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids
> worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up
> with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and
> abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer
> speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom
> he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our
> bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious in a big way,
> although I don't quite understand it. And now he has been
> going to the gym an awful lot and is into wearing uniforms and
> cowboy outfits, and I hate to think what that means.
> Finally, the last straw: he's demanding that before
> anyone can be in the same room with him, they must
> sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!
> Can you help?
> Signed, Lost in DC
>
> Dear Lost:
> Stop whining, Laura. You can divorce the jerk any time
> you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for four
> more years!

 

[Joey3308]

Young fellow was about to be married and was asking his
grandfather about
sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all
the time... and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really
old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe... on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma
now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What do you mean? What is oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my
bedroom.

And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck You too!

 

[carrie-on]

An old man and woman were married for many years,
even though they hated each other. When they had a
confrontation,
screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the
night.

The old man would shout, "When I die,
I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come
back and
haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced
black magic because of the many strange occurrences
that
took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when
he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight
to the local bar and began to party as if there was no
tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety,
asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be
able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come
back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I
had him
buried upside down......."

 

[Joey3308]

In 1997, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis
was larger than the shaft.

After one year and $500,000, they concluded that the reason the head was
larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After Duke published the study, NC State decided to do their own study.
After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was
to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

East Carolina University, unsatisfied with these findings, spent $13.27 (for
a Playboy, a Penthouse, and a case of Budweiser) and concluded that the
reason the head was larger than the shaft was to keep a man's hand from
flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

[veryblueeyes]

In 1997, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis
was larger than the shaft.

After one year and $500,000, they concluded that the reason the head was
larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After Duke published the study, NC State decided to do their own study.
After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was
to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

East Carolina University, unsatisfied with these findings, spent $13.27 (for
a Playboy, a Penthouse, and a case of Budweiser) and concluded that the
reason the head was larger than the shaft was to keep a man's hand from
flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Umm... Joey, you are talking about one of my Alma Marters (yes, we were declared by Playboy as the biggest party school)

See why I am such a perv????

 

[Joey3308]

Umm... Joey, you are talking about one of my Alma Marters (yes, we were declared by Playboy as the biggest party school)

See why I am such a perv????

So which "study" did you participate in?

 

[Joey3308]

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers
just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets
to turn off the intercom. He says to the co-pilot,

"I think I'll go take a shit and then try to fuck that new blonde
stewardess"

The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him
the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass.

A little old lady looks down at her and says,

"There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first."

 

[Succulent-one]

Cowboy and the Minister
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After
the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a
drink.
Appalled, the minister replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken
advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips!"

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me
too. I didn't know we had a choice."